#185: Perceptions of Right, Wrong, and What Really Is. (2/3)

[lordchen]

Uniform clothing for interviews is always just as bad as interviews themselves. The white collared shirts and the tight slacks and the feeling of anxiety that always seems to be the top coat over skin.

“Interviews are supposed to scare the ever living fuck out of you,” Baekhyun drawls into his ear, voice muffled as he’s in the middle of eating something. Baekhyun hasn’t been polite enough to tell him what and Jongdae figures he’s better off not knowing. “It’s important, because then they can see how you hold up under pressure.”

“Baekhyun, I’m not interviewing to join the bomb squad, I hardly need nerves of steel,” Jongdae tries to keep himself calm, palm pressed gently over the center of his chest where he can feel his tension building, pressing up and making it harder to breathe.

“You never know,” Baekhyun says as Jongdae frowns at his reflection and tries to fix his hair again because it just won’t stay. “Maybe there will suddenly be a run by bombing and you’ll have to dig out those latent super powers and save the day. Land the job just like that.”

“Why did I call you,” Jongdae half sighs, half whines as he steps back from the mirror. He feels like his nerves are going to snap. This is almost as bad as the job fair Chanyeol had signed him up for.

Except this time Lu Han isn’t here to spill coffee in his lap and feel him up.

Jongdae blinks when he remembers it, and instead of annoyance and irritation, the memory has no emotion, the whole thing numbed. He swallows down a tightening throat when he realizes the memory is completely uncharged, but the idea of Lu Han being here somehow lessens the balloon of dread in his sternum.

“Because I’m your best friend,” Baekhyun provides when Jongdae trails off. He sounds confused, like he was waiting for Jongdae to remind him how shit he is at pep talks.

“You should learn to be more like your fiancé,” Jongdae stumbles to recover, running his hands under cold water, focusing on that instead of the presentation he has to give. About himself. Which is basically a slightly glamorized version of please, please hire me or I might suffer a nervous breakdown. “Zitao is great at comforting people.”

“I comfort plenty,” Baekhyun replies easily, and Jongdae is pretty sure the next part of this sentence is going to be sexual.

“Clearly your methods are specific,” Jongdae interrupts because Baekhyun adds something like ‘with my dick’ to complete his job of being decidedly rude when Jongdae needs reassurance. “I’m going to hang up now.”

“And call Kyungsoo so you can whine at him instead?” Baekhyun says and Jongdae closes his eyes to breathe because he doesn’t whine. “Or Lu Han. You could call Lu Han and whine at him. I bet he’d love to hear you whine.”

“Goodbye, Baekhyun,” Jongdae tells his best friend firmly, taking the phone away before he can hear Baekhyun digress into how he thinks Jongdae and Lu Han’s relationship has progressed.

Hand still under the cold water, Jongdae tries to let himself focus on it rather than the watch on his wrist ticking down to when he has to go sell himself to a company to get paid. Sleeves pushed up to keep from getting wet, Jongdae’s eyes draw to his left wrist, and it feels a little strange to check it now when he hasn’t in months.

There was a time when he’d be checking every day, but now there’s not point.

Jongdae knows who his soul mate is, Lu Han’s small note this morning on his phone waking him up and wishing him luck.

His throat is tight and too dry when Jongdae swallows down, wetting his lips as he turns off the faucet and goes to dry his hands. He not sure if it makes the feeling in his chest worst or better when he thinks of Lu Han. It would be nice to have him here, somehow Jongdae wanting Lu Han there, now, hand on his back and rubbing gently down his arms, soothing the tension out of him.

Lu Han would say something stupid, probably crack a joke, and then make a comment about interviews that didn’t make a ton of sense and Jongdae could call him out on it. Lu Han might laugh, or be quiet, and just squeeze his hand and Jongdae wants him there.

The air in his chest hitches when he arrives at that realization; he wants Lu Han here with him, right now.

It feels so weird, to think like that, to have the idea of wanting Lu Han here, now, of being the person who he need when he’s stressed and scared. He wonders, as he stares at himself in the mirror and tells his heart to stop quivering like a timid bunny, if this is something similar to the Pull.

The Pull is what brings two soul mates together, gives them they sort of final drag to each other as their bodies indicate that they’re to be together, and it’s supposed to fade after that. Perhaps now it something similar, and that this is the bond, whatever they have, reaching out for Lu Han to help him calm down when he’s so stressed. He knows Baekhyun will remark about how sometimes he’s the only one who can get through to Zitao when he’s upset and how Chanyeol seems to need to hold onto Kyungsoo when he’s nervous and Kyungsoo relaxes when they’re together.

He remembers when Kyungsoo refused to sleep during a crunch period for work and he only relented when Chanyeol showed up and dragged him back, carefully folding him in his arms amid angered hits until he went limp. Jongdae had never seen Kyungsoo calm down so fast, and he’d been so jealous at the time.

That’s what it is, Jongdae tells himself, breathing out as he closes his eyes, focusing on his nerves and the interview and now the ghosting feeling of Lu Han’s hand in his. It’s not really him that wants Lu Han here, it’s the Pull, the stress and anxiety built up so much that he wants Lu Han to calm him down.

Maybe this will happen to Lu Han too.

Opening his eyes, Jongdae checks his watch again, knowing that he should go now, despite how his heart is rabbiting in his chest. Pushing down the urge to pick up his phone and press into his contact lists, Jongdae pockets it, and swallows down whatever nerves he can, and walks out.

Focus.

๑


“I do not think we need to have them in ivory.”

“No, see this, this is where you’re wrong,” Zitao is saying, frowning as his shoulders slump a bit in exasperation. “They should be in ivory. White is too stark and boring.”

“Why not make them black?” Baekhyun suggests and Zitao rolls his eyes, dropping his hands as if just giving up entirely. “Like, black with silver lettering.”

“And spend the entire budget on paper and ink,” Zitao sighs as Jongdae just watches, the quiet apparently helpful observer. “Sure Baekhyun, great idea.”

“What if we made it metallic red?” Baekhyun asks, a smirk spreading over his face. “It would look really cool.”

“Yeah, if you’re inviting people to a high class strip club,” Jongdae finally adds, taking a bit of pity on Zitao who looks far more frazzled about this than his fiancé. Apparently, Baekhyun’s way of dealing with wedding stress is to treat it like it’s the next best joke. “I’m with Zitao on the ivory.”

Zitao beams at him.

“Well, I’m so glad this is your wedding,” Baekhyun retorts, leaning over the boxes of small assorted cards and squinting. “Please be sure to give me my own invitation though, don’t include me in that whole ‘the family of’ shit I want a proper invite on perfumed pink paper.”

Zitao laughs at that, a nice break from the amount of fussing and nit picking over details that he’s been coiling up in tension about for the past two hours. Why Jongdae agreed to help them on his free Saturday morning instead of lounge around in his underpants at home, he has no idea.

Baekhyun should probably give him an award for the massive amounts of tolerance he’s exhibiting right now for the squabbling couple over envelopes and invitation cards.

“Tell you what, why don’t you just use the black paper and red metallic ink for your bachelors parties and choose like a normal eggshell for the invites?” Jongdae suggests, trying to get them back on track. In all honesty, Jongdae loves his best friend and his fiancé. He’s always been closer with Baekhyun, but Zitao is an absolute sweetheart to Jongdae and everyone else.

If he didn’t see how they both always managed to light up around each other, Jongdae would wonder how they worked together, but they always have. Somehow, it feels strange to be helping them with their wedding, considering in Jongdae’s mind they’ve been as good as married since Zitao finally graduated high school and he and Baekhyun almost immediately moved in together.

“Except you and Kyungsoo are organizing my Bachelors party for me,” Baekhyun reminds with a twisted look. “I expect strippers.” He laughs and yelps with Zitao punches him and Jongdae finds himself laughing, almost missing the sound of his ringtone.

Quickly excusing himself, Jongdae checks the number and feels his breath catch. “Yes, hello?” he answers, trying to sound calm and in check as he puts the phone to his ear, walking away quickly from the curious looks of his friends.

“Yes, is this Jongdae Kim?” asks the professional but cheerful voice on the other end of the line.

“Speaking.” Phone formalities somehow made him feel more formal and stuffy than those graduation banquets where he had to network with awkward trustees. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m glad I caught you, Mr. Kim,” Jongdae bites his lip, trying to not let his mind run wild with how this call is going to end. “I am calling on behalf of Twined Pendulums Music about the position you applied for.”

“Yes?” Jongdae doesn’t understand why there has to be a pause here.

“We’d like to offer you the position.”

Jongdae feels a bit childish that his immediate thought is of hyperactive joy and the next of Chanyeol fist pumping to the bolded letters ‘REAL PERSON ADULT JOB’ but that’s his reality. “Thank you,” stammers out and he feels like his smile just keeps getting bigger. The woman on the other end of the line can certainly hear it in his voice as she seems to be so amused by his replies.

“Who was that?” Zitao asks, looking curious and holding up a selection of invitation cards.

“Did you just get laid over the phone, why are you so happy?” Baekhyun asks, thumbing through a few envelopes. “Or was that Lu Han? I can’t tell these days you’ve become such a mixed bag.”

Jongdae chooses not to allow Baekhyun the satisfaction of being told he’s a dipshit and instead says, “I just got a job.”

Baekhyun drops the envelopes he’d been holding. It would be extremely dramatic if Zitao didn’t scream and drop his as well only to clasp his hands over his mouth in far more excitement than Jongdae has ever felt in his entire life. “You’re shitting me,” Baekhyun says, and to his credit sounds extremely excited for him.

“Fortunately not, as I don’t think either of us would enjoy that,” Jongdae says, feeling a little too giddy with the whole reality that he’s just landed a real full time job. “I start in a week or so.”

Baekhyun barely gets to congratulate him before Zitao is hugging him and Jongdae is laughing, feeling a little too light, and clutching his phone a bit too hard. It ends up being Zitao that notices it quacking and points it out, and Jongdae doesn’t stop smiling when he reads a message asking him what he’s up to this weekend.

Pervert – 10:57 I got some time off from the extra work hours. Are you free?

“Go play with your boyfriend,” Baekhyun says, and it isn’t until Jongdae is being shoved out of the shop by Zitao that he realizes Baekhyun hadn’t been teasing him at all.

Unlike Jongdae who lives in perhaps the slightly less desirable area of the city, Lu Han doesn’t. Instead, he’s situated not too far away, in the nicer apartments and nicer districts where people have flower boxes instead of broken pipes by their windows. “What’s up?” Lu Han asks. He’s still in his work clothing, but as it’s a Saturday it’s toned down a bit, and he has a soft looking sweater pulled over his collared shirt.

It’s still kind of strange to see him looking more proper, but Jongdae likes it. Just like he likes when Lu Han’s hand finds his so easily now as Jongdae steps closer and doesn’t stop, instead leaning in pressing their lips together. It maybe shocks both of them, but Jongdae is still humming with excitement as he pulls back still smiling.

It’s like winning a great victory, and he wants to shout. Kissing Lu Han had apparently been the next best thing to vocal projection. “I got the job,” Jongdae says, keeping his voice as controlled as possible.

It only takes a moment before the reaction plays over Lu Han’s face in a myriad of things that normal faces would envy being able to do. Wide eyes and dropped jaw and shock with bits of surprise and a few transitional phases before Lu Han lets out a choked yell and Jongdae is being wrapped in arms.

Laughing into Lu Han’s shoulder, Jongdae hugs back, arms wrapping tight around him as Lu Han holds him and his heart is soaring. His eyes are almost gone when Lu Han pulls back, cheeks pressed up in a huge smile, eyes creased up but they still glint as both his hands slip into Jongdae’s, squeezing tight. “Congratulations,” he says, sincerity lining his voice.

It’s hard to answer or say anything when all the sounds in his throat are happy stunted excited giggles. They’re shocked into silence when Lu Han leans down and kisses him, more definite than Jongdae’s breathless press of lips before, far more intentional, and warm.

Lu Han’s lips are softer than Jongdae always expects, moving slightly against his own as Lu Han gently squeezes his hands. Some of the excited buzzing calms, if only for a moment, to be replaced with a warm glowing hum as Lu Han slowly breaks the kiss, and Jongdae has to open his eyes, not realizing he’d closed them.

“Thanks,” Jongdae ends up saying in a whisper, finally answering Lu Han’s praise and watching as Lu Han smiles still at him, warm and pushing his chest too big for him.

“Have you had lunch yet?” Lu Han instead asks, instead of pressing about the interview when Jongdae is still a little foggy, the feeling of Lu Han’s lips still having him a little dazed. They’ve kissed, but it felt more intimate just then, with much more behind it than just a simple press of lips.

“I was out all day playing baby sitter for my engaged friends,” Jongdae says, pulling back a bit. “They were more focused on wedding invitations than feeding me.”

“In that case, do you want to eat out or grab take out and bring it back to mine?”

Lu Han has never once brought up bringing Jongdae back to his place. In all fairness, neither has Jongdae, but Jongdae lives in a tiny box of an apartment and Lu Han probably doesn’t. He opens his mouth to say no, they should eat out, but instead says “that depends on how comfortable your couch is.”

As expected, Lu Han does live in a nicer apartment than Jongdae. It’s got separate bedrooms and a common area with a television and is far cleaner than Jongdae might have expected. It also is currently occupied by a young man Jongdae realizes is Lu Han’s roommate, who shoots him a quick evaluating look before looking at Lu Han.

“Jongdae and I are just gonna get some lunch,” Lu Han explains, smiling at him. “I promise we won’t interrupt.” Lu Han smiles between both of them. “Jongdae, this is my best friend Minseok.”

They haven’t introduced friends yet. It’s been three months and they haven’t introduced friends yet. Until right now, Jongdae realizes he never even knew what Lu Han’s friends were named. Even if Jongdae talks about Lu Han to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, they have never met him, and he’s only mentioned them briefly to Lu Han. It feels like stepping forward without knowing he was walking in the first place.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, nodding to Minseok who nods back and goes back to reading, spread out on the couch.


“He doesn’t really like talking to strangers,” Lu Han says, pulling down a few plates and glasses from the cabinets in the kitchen. He’s smiling when he glances over at Jongdae. “He’s scared of them, see? Don’t make any sudden movements.”

“I can hear you,” calls from the living area and Lu Han’s grin widens in amusement, Jongdae finding himself hiding a laugh as well.

They had grabbed thai food for lunch and sitting at Lu Han’s kitchen table eating through noodles and rice, Jongdae tells Lu Han about the interview he had earlier this week. It’s been a bit busy for both of them, and he hadn’t had a chance to see Lu Han since. He’d been a little scared to, especially after calling Lu Han after his interview and not even talking about it much, instead just focusing on Lu Han’s voice to calm down.

It feels different at the same time it’s so much of the same. Except instead of the idea Jongdae had when he’d spent years dreaming of finding his soul mate and falling in love, Lu Han has a smear of curry on his cheek and is laughing at his own joke that wasn’t incredibly funny and Jongdae is smiling anyway. Instead it’s Jongdae telling Lu Han about his actual interview and asking how he’s been, comfortable enough to nudge Lu Han’s shins under the table with his socked feet.

Lunch ends when Lu Han finally traps his legs under the table with his own and Jongdae lets out a laugh, finally caught and happy.

When he stands to help Lu Han clean up, he doesn’t think about wedging into his space, flicking him with water, teasing him for flinching and then yelping when Lu Han grabs him. Instead of being shocked, of being swept off his feet, Jongdae leans in a bit when Lu Han does and when Lu Han kisses him softly it’s not amazing or overwhelming. It’s a kiss, one that he likes enough to lean in for another, and then another, pulling in the feeling of Lu Han’s lips against his own, moving gently and he gasps when Lu Han’s hand, wet from dishes, brushes against his skin.

Jongdae likes kissing Lu Han, the way their mouths move together and Lu Han teases just a little bit with his lips and tongue and teeth. He lets out a small sigh as Lu Han pulls back, his lips tingling and opening his eyes to see Lu Han smiling that softer smile at him before it morphs into a grin and he’s flicking soap suds at him.

“Jerk,” Jongdae laughs, jumping back and trying to scowl at Lu Han’s laugh as it follows him.

Rather than what Jongdae is used to, which is mostly he and Lu Han going out on specific dates and doing things and activities that have been premeditated, Jongdae finds himself sprawled on the couch with Lu Han, chatting idly. Minseok had excused himself a while back, stepping out to run a few errands, leaving them together alone.

It’s different, far more relaxed and easy to just hang out with Lu Han even if he keeps feeling a nervous jitter under his skin like they should be doing something. Jongdae doesn’t want to push it though, where he might have before with others, instead just wetting his lips at the feeling of Lu Han’s fingers tracing gently at the inside of his wrist as they lean together.

This is far more of a relaxed lull, where Jongdae catches himself looking at Lu Han, the way his hair falls into his face and his neck arches as he leans into the couch pillows. The feeling of not having to do anything, just stay there and be with Lu Han, be himself, joke and tease and take how their legs drape over each other as nothing abnormal. How he keeps finding himself looking at Lu Han’s mouth and wanting to touch him.

It’s not like before, where Jongdae had been so driven, so wrapped up in everything, pushing forward with hot hands and wanting, pushing so close and so fast he got lost in it all. This isn’t a fast tumbling fall, and Lu Han isn’t pushing him. Jongdae’s heart isn’t racing in his chest to reach out and pull Lu Han to him and push to feel and fuel a fire.

Jongdae’s heart is beating at an even steady pace as it feels a bit too full and he watches Lu Han without feeling anything aside from okay. He has a job, still slightly head rushed with the news.

Lu Han reaches out to brush his hair from his face, eyes on his face and that softer smile on his lips and Jongdae leans into the touch automatically. He tilts up without thinking when Lu Han’s eyes flicker and he leans in to gently brush their lips together. He feels a small quiver under his skin as Lu Han’s fingers card into his hair and they keep kissing, Lu Han’s lips sliding over his and Jongdae feeling a little too breathless.

Lu Han’s hands are warm as the rest against him, his breath hot as it puffs against Jongdae’s lips before he leans back in, Jongdae meeting him halfway eagerly. The way his hands slide over his arms, down his sides, pulling him closer as Lu Han moves into him has Jongdae reaching out for him. Lu Han makes a soft sound in the back of his throat as Jongdae sucks on his bottom lip, fingers tangled in his soft hair, messing it up. Jongdae breaks the kiss with a shudder, a small gasp, feeling Lu Han’s hands at his hips, thumbs pressing gently but not demanding and realizes belatedly he’s practically in Lu Han’s lap.

Rather than pushing, dragging Jongdae down and Jongdae surging forward to move faster, looking for something, Lu Han just lets out a long breath, resting their foreheads together. Jongdae doesn’t push because he’s already too warm, and somehow just resting tangled up with Lu Han is what he wants. He can feel it tickling over his skin pleasantly.

“That was nice,” Lu Han comments, hands on Jongdae’s sides over his shirt and thumbs still pressing small circles into his skin. In the back of his mind, Jongdae wonders of the comfortable hum over his skin is connected to their soul mates tie. If that’s why he wants Lu Han to kiss him again, and to lose himself in how Lu Han’s lips don’t taste like anything except residual Thai food.

Not trusting himself to speak, Jongdae just hums in response, fingers twisting in Lu Han’s hair absently, as he closes his eyes. He’s nervous, but in a kind of excited way. It’s like standing on a dock in summer and getting ready to jump into the soothing cold water.

Lu Han only kisses him once more, leaning in and brushing their lips together softly, before he settles in, arms around him and breath ghosting against his neck.

“I didn’t realize kissing tired you out,” Jongdae tries to tease him, cracking an eye to see both of Lu Han’s closed.

“It doesn’t,” Lu Han murmurs, his lips catching on the skin of Jongdae’s neck where his shirt as pulled down. It feels like he’s being wrapped up, drawn in and not in the way that’s drowning. It’s more intense than that, which Jongdae didn’t think possible, and it’s still scary and still exciting as Lu Han’s arms settle around his waist. “You’re just exhausting, I guess.”

The shove Jongdae gives Lu Han has him laughing, Lu Han finally opening his eyes, bright and alive and full of him Jongdae can’t stop his smile. Light headed, almost dizzy, Jongdae lets himself be pulled back into Lu Han’s arms, heart fluttering and skin prickling and air catching in between his lungs.

“I was up late last night,” Lu Han explains finally, voice a bit slower in tired. “Had to work past hours at the office. Whole thing of being the new guy. I promise we can go play soccer in twenty minutes.”

“I don’t like soccer,” Jongdae tells him, watching as Lu Han cracks open an eye to peer at him.

“Well that you can watch me and be my personal cheerleader,” Lu Han tells him casually. Jongdae pinches him and gets a satisfactory flinch. “Or we can go swimming.”

“Swimming,” Jongdae repeats, and can feel Lu Han’s hands still warm and resting at the small of his back. Comfortable, close and intimate and safe and the fullness gets bigger so it presses at the back of his throat.

“You know, when you go in water and don’t drown,” Lu Han begins to explain unnecessarily and dissolves into laughter as Jongdae shoves him back into the couch. “I’m just being helpful,” he laughs as Jongdae presses over him, having rolled so he’s looking down on Lu Han.

His boyfriend, as Zitao had called him earlier that day. His soul mate.

In his chest a wiggle turns to a curl turns into a bubbling hum that rises as Jongdae leans down to press their lips together and tries not to think about what part of him wanted him to do it.


๑


That lock of gazes, the Pull that drags under skin until two people drift together in a crowd, eyes fixed and smiles beginning to pull over lips, hearts falling into sync before hands link and it all falls into place. That skip of the heart in a chest, the ringing in ears that sounds like happiness at the realization that this is it, this is the one.

This is a soul mate.

Jongdae sighs, running his hand down his face for the fifth time that night as he pushes his hair back from his forehead and feels even more uncomfortable. It’s like there’s an itch under his skin, incessant and won’t go away and he can’t tell if he wants to scratch it or likes it.

Which doesn’t really make sense.

“Stop sighing, you’re making the room emotionally polluted,” Kyungsoo tells him, frowning at his laptop as he sits all scrunched up at the kitchen table. He doesn’t look at Jongdae, and Chanyeol isn’t here to throw him concerned looks and try to get either of them to talk.

So it’s just mostly been Kyungsoo, tacking away at work emails and schedules, as Jongdae lies on his couch and tries to sort through the mess of thoughts and feelings and other bits in his head.

“Well if you would just-“

“I’m not helping you any more than I already have,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, still not looking at him. “You’re the one that keeps sticking your head further into your ostrich hole.”

It’s frustrating that Jongdae wonders if that’s what it really is. Then there’s the whole aspect where so much doesn’t match up. From what Jongdae knows, soul mates fall into sync with each other, pushing and pulling and lining up and they’re supposed to be good together. There is that rush, the feeling of ‘the one’ and it all clicks. They’re bonded, by some form of fate, to be together, always coming together and staying that way.

Or something.

While Jongdae and Lu Han are definitely dating, Jongdae still wonders how much of what pulls at him and has skitters flying over his skin is that bond, rather than what he feels. With others, he’d felt that jump in his chest, the shortness of breath. It was always the most frustrating thing, because every time Jongdae met someone who was just right, his heart thundering in his ears and he wanted to touch, the mark around his wrist stayed resolutely brown.

In retrospect, the Pull when he’d finally felt it was less like that rush of connection and much more like feeling sick.

Which makes him really wonder if maybe there was a mistake, and if he’s scared and excited because of that rather than because of Lu Han.

How much of him kissing Lu Han is him actually wanting to and enjoying it and how much is the bond satisfying itself.

“Fine,” Kyungsoo snaps and Jongdae didn’t even realize he’d been sighing again. With a disgruntled huff, Kyungsoo closes his computer and stands up to walk over to him. He sits, Jongdae widening his eyes at the resolute expression on his friend’s face. “I’m listening, so talk about what the hell has you sighing.”

“I thought I talked too much,” Jongdae tries to tease, a little alarmed at how Kyungsoo looks so strained.

“Well, you’ve been silent aside from wistful annoying sighs since you got here,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “I actually prefer the babble. I can tune that out.” He sighs, finally letting his shoulders droop, and closes his eyes, breathing out before looking back at Jongdae. He’s wearing his I’m more tolerant now because I’m a good friend face and Jongdae wets his lips.

Baekhyun is amazing as his best friend, joking and funny and sharing his energy and sense of humor. But for real talk and for being told straight, Jongdae falls back to Kyungsoo. Under his short words and sometimes short temper, he’s one of the few people who can see through the mess and get to the problem.

Opening his mouth with the intention of keeping things concise, because Kyungsoo is working and obviously a bit tired, Jongdae ends up not knowing where his mouth is going as it launches into everything. He tells Kyungsoo about Lu Han, about how Jongdae was so frustrated and annoyed and pissed and uncomfortable and then realized with help that he was being an asshole just as much as he was accusing Lu Han of being one.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo interjects here, when Jongdae is in the middle of explaining his date and how Lu Han had looked on the verge of walking away forever and Jongdae had been scared. “You are an asshole.”

“Are?” Jongdae repeats, frowning because that just sounds rude.

“Are,” Kyungsoo repeats, though the small softening around his mouth indicates he’s not entirely serious and he doesn’t think Jongdae is complete scum. Which, he supposes, is supposed to be reassuring.

Kyungsoo watches him as he sighs, rambling now, talking about everything in between. About the dates, about getting to know Lu Han, about his new job, about the soul mate bond, about how he thinks about Lu Han and doesn’t feel anything and feels everything at the same time. Kyungsoo looks away, mouth forming a line as Jongdae mentions the Pull, about how he wonders if it’s real or if this isn’t him and finally stops talking, feeling tongue tired.

“But that’s how it works, right?” Jongdae asks, wetting his lips, as he looks at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo stares at the wall. “Like, with you and Chanyeol, you two just know when you’re upset. I’ve seen it, and it’s like some weird thing where you two need each other unlike you need other people.”

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo’s voice comes out quieter and lower than Jongdae expects. He doesn’t look at him, and he doesn’t smile. “What you just explained to me,” he pauses, breathing in and wetting his lips, now frowning at the wall. “That’s called falling in love.”

A spike of something hot and writing wrecks through Jongdae, making his fingers clench on his knees. “But the whole soul mate-“

“The Pull only happens once,” Kyungsoo says, and his voice is a little sharper. “The soul mate bond is an aspect of relationships, yes, but it’s not what makes them happen. You’re not being pulled to Lu Han, you’re falling in love with him.”

Kyungsoo still doesn’t look at him, mouth closed decisively as he frowns at the wall as Jongdae begins to feel sick to his stomach.

“I feel ill,” he says aloud and somehow a smile begins to snake over Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“Yeah,” he says, and something about his face relaxes a bit, and Jongdae doesn't understand. “Love is like that.”


๑


I’m not he texts Kyungsoo when he gets home later, pacing his one room apartment from the slightly less nice part of the city in barefeet and his hair sticking up in the front.

I’m not, Jongdae tells himself in the mirror, brushing his teeth aggressively. His body is doing a weird hot and cold things and he thinks maybe he’s getting sick but then the thought of going to the doctor and it morphing into Kyungsoo and telling him “Love is like that,” makes him yell at his towels and stop to his bed. Which he dives into headfirst, burying his face in his blankets as he is generally overwhelmed.

This is wrong of him, he, Jongdae, who has been not thinking about how Lu Han is his soul mate and ignoring it but not ignoring it. Because Lu Han is being given a chance to be something that could work.

And he is working. Jongdae sees him at least once a week, and thinks about Lu Han when his mind wanders at work, between shifts of learning details on new recording artists and how the hell mixers work. Jongdae uses emoticons and gets excited about seeing him and likes how Lu Han’s fingers fit against his and the way he kisses him.

But this is giving a chance and being surprised, right?

Jongdae isn’t in love.

not yet? whispers a stupid optimistic voice in his head as he rolls over and stares at his ceiling. He swallows down and feels bile burn in his throat as his heart is loud in his ears.


๑


I’m not in love becomes a lot more complicated as the next few days roll in and around.

Work at Twined Pendulums catapults as Jongdae is taken out of training and instead pushed under his supervisor, a smiling and slightly intimidating woman named ‘Hyo’ who refuses to go by anything else. His rent for his apartment comes in and Jongdae realizes he can pay it on time without crying about it, and Soojung and Amber decide that he’s not paying enough attention to them and drag him out.

I’m not in love becomes hard to explain when Jongdae sits and watches Soojung and Amber sitting together, happy and teasing and stealing kisses in front of him as Baekhyun and Zitao bicker romantically beside him. In the back of his mind, Jongdae wonders how he ever got through the years of being the only single one left amid a sea of lovers.

I’m not in love leaves a burn to his stomach and a curl against his skin as he stands in the sunlight and tries to smile back at Lu Han, sunglasses hiding his eyes. He tries to pass it off, the nervous constant nag in his mind as he accepts a bucket from his soul mate and lets him lead the way, walking into the many rows of bushes and feels the tall grasses brushing his thighs.

This had been his idea, and he’d expected Lu Han to say no, suggest something else, and instead Lu Han had asked him where they should go. Jongdae has never actually been berry picking before, but it seemed like a good way to get food for the week and spend time with Lu Han.

It seemed like a great idea, and it ended up being a great idea, with the two of them walking and filling their own buckets with berries, chatting and Jongdae can focus on the task at literal hand. Finding the best blueberries on the high bushes rather than think about Lu Han just a few bushes down in a low sleeved tank and the sun making his dyed tawny hair shine gold.

It’s incredibly hard for him to even try to figure out what he thinks love is and isn’t when Lu Han smiles at him, sneaking over his shoulder and arms wrapping around his waist. It’s hard to think of anything with his breath catching and Lu Han’s laugh rumbling into him through his back.

The sun on his skin is just as pleasant as Lu Han’s fingers twining with his own as they have their buckets filled and are lounging in the long grass. Jongdae focuses on the taste of berries in his mouth when Lu Han kisses him and tries to tell himself that’s what he enjoys the most.

“We should stop eating these,” Jongdae says, watching as Lu Han pops another berry between purple stained lips.

“Why?” Lu Han asks, leaning back and looking all the vision of someone Jongdae never saw himself with. Dark tinted sunglasses, loose tank and hideously patterned shorts topped with a backwards snapback, Lu Han looks like a poorly placed teenage-wannabe rather than the grounded soul mate Jongdae envisioned.

Then he leans forward, quick in motion and presses a quick kiss to Jongdae’s cheek, before pulling back with a smile and Jongdae is all twisted up again, and everything races and spins. “Cute,” Lu Han says and sticks his tongue out between his teeth with a grin.

I’m not in love with him Jongdae forgets to tell himself as Lu Han chases him after a few berries were thrown and Lu Han’s hat stolen. He forgets as he laughs when Lu Han tackles him, tumbling to the ground and breathless, flushed in the warm sun. He doesn’t think at all as he brushes Lu Han’s hair from his face, bangs getting a little long and sunglasses fallen off before Lu Han leans down and he melts under the press of their lips together.

It isn’t until later that he remembers, in the car ride back with sun warmed berries and the radio playing and their usual conversation dies down to nothing. Jongdae’s lips press together, eyes on his berries and he’s scared at how much he thinks maybe he might have been so wrong.

Lu Han doesn’t comment on the silence, and he doesn’t bother him, only kisses him goodnight and Jongdae just wishes he wasn’t so overwhelmed all of a sudden.


๑


A week passes. A week of Jongdae running around with early coffees and ignoring his phone as it flashes a message light, the soft quack pushed to the back of his mind.

A week and a half passes and Jongdae spends the weekend voluntarily hanging out with Baekhyun as he and Zitao have a long discussion about china. Jongdae frankly agrees with Baekhyun that it doesn’t matter mostly seeing as food will cover up whatever pattern is there.

Zitao looks so done with the both of them by the end of the day Jongdae ends up feeling vaguely responsible for the fate of their marriage and offers to buy them dinner.

Baekhyun checks his forehead. His eyes widen as he pulls his hand back. “Just checking you weren’t running a fever,” Baekhyun explains to Jongdae’s perplexed and slightly violated expression. “You know, considering the last time you offered to buy us dinner, it was pizza in tenth grade. I remember, because you begrudged me about ordering breadsticks for four months like an asshole.”

“I still maintain those were entirely unnecessary,” Jongdae tells him to try to get off the topic.

“Besides,” Zitao says, looking a little confused. “I thought you would have had plans with Lu Han for dinner.”

Jongdae has to laugh to keep himself from shaking. “No, I’m not meeting him.”

“Why not?” Baekhyun presses, frowning now. “I liked when you were always with him. Like I said, he’s good for you. And it gives me more alone time with Zitao.”

Zitao rolls his eyes like Baekhyun is full of shit (which he might actually be) as Jongdae stares at his best friend. “What do you mean he’s good for me?” All week, he’s been feeling extremes, one moment resolving to just scrap it all and the next he’s back to square one, drawing up comparisons and playing a matching game with all the wrong pieces. And it just gets worse, regardless of if he’s thinking of Lu Han or not thinking of Lu Han, and he wants to grab Kyungsoo and demand if there is a science study to back his earlier arguments.

“I mean,” Baekhyun pauses, frowning in contemplation. “He makes you alive.”

“Alive?” Jongdae repeats, frowning now too. Zitao is also frowning. Well, at least they all match.

“Like, when you’re pissed, you’re pissed. When you’re confused, you are literally the most lost shit on the planet, and when you’re happy, it’s disgusting and I want to throw up.” Baekhyun smiles widely as Zitao gapes at him. “He makes you actually do stuff aside from wander around in limbo land and your own stubborn head.”

“I feel insulted,” Jongdae tells him and Baekhyun just continues to grin.

“I don't blame you,” says Zitao, and it’s with half an exasperated sigh and an amused coo that Baekhyun positively beams at.

Jongdae decides they’re gross and revokes his offer for dinner on account of Baekhyun being a dick.

This leaves him alone and Jongdae twists and watches television without paying attention, curled up on his couch and stuck on what it means to be soul mates with a weird coffee pervert named Lu Han who is the cactus to his balloon and falling in love with him.

Possibly.

That is if he is in love with Lu Han.

Which he is. Not? Isn’t. Is.

After two weeks, the only thing Jongdae can surmise from his random unexplained hiatus from Lu Han is that Hyo is possibly more of a dude than he is and popular media creates the worst expectations of love. Romance movies don't tell him what love is like at all, they just make him want to eat ice cream and make fun of the shitty dialogue.

After two weeks, his stomach still twists when he sees how many messages from Lu Han he’s ignored and how he misses him and still has no answers aside from the ones which he isn’t sure he wants.


๑


Whatever Jongdae had envisioned about the first time he’d have someone aside from his close friends see his apartment, he isn’t prepared for this. Neither is his apartment, really, and he ends up stumbling back into it with a fumbled series of apologies about how many socks are probably lying around.

Instead of looking mildly terrified (Kyungsoo would be impressed), Lu Han just looks around, blasé in countenance, before giving a slow nod. “Not going to lie,” he says, toeing off his sneakers by the door. “I thought it was going to be much worse considering the area.” He smiles and Jongdae feels more self conscious than he wants to. “It’s nice.”

“You don’t have to be polite,” Jongdae tells him, taking Lu Han’s shoulder bag for him and leading him into the apartment unit. “I know it’s not nice.”

“Well, you’re here,” Lu Han says, amusement keeping his voice light. “That makes it a lot nicer.”

“You do have a point,” Jongdae teases back, smile spreading as he watches Lu Han look around, eyes scanning over the smaller apartment. They’re supposedly having a quieter day, the rain outside cancelling their initial plans for hiking, and Jongdae really didn’t want to bother with the movies. “I am a pretty important feature.”

“It’s a draw between you and that couch though,” Lu Han says, flopping onto said furniture with a grin and Jongdae just rolls his eyes. He may have prepared a bit for Lu Han to be here, thinking to himself that it didn’t meant anything how much he wanted Lu Han to think well of him. Fridge stocked and real food in the cabinet and laundry organized in his hamper rather than playing a game of hide and seek in various surprising locations around the unit.

“Charming,” Jongdae says, before walking to the kitchen top drop Lu Han’s bad into a chair.

Lu Han doesn’t move when Jongdae walks back into the living area. Instead, he grins up at Jongdae and wags his eyebrows, stretching more on the couch where Jongdae has to sit. “Hey,” he says to Jongdae’s small expression of displeasure at his refusal to move.

“Hey,” Jongdae replies, before making the executive decision to not care and just sit on Lu Han instead. This results in a loud yelp, Lu Han groaning, face going all shapes of strange, and Jongdae laughing as he feels Lu Han try to shove him off. He keeps laughing as Lu Han finally manages to get himself out from under Jongdae enough to have them half sprawled together and doesn’t stop until Lu Han’s lips cover his. He keeps smiling into the kiss as Lu Han’s hands slip around him, warm and wanted and Jongdae leans into him.

It’s when Lu Han’s hand slips under his shirt, skimming over heating skin with his fingers and Jongdae gasps that the kiss breaks and he pulls back. Lu Han looks at him with that softness in his eyes that has his heart feeling too big in his chest. Today is the first day that they’ve really spent time together since Jongdae’s period of absence, which Lu Han hasn’t even brought up, instead letting everything fall back. It’s like nothing ever happened, nothing changed, and there was no period of time where Jongdae ignored everything and spent hours on this exact couch telling himself he wasn’t falling in love with Lu Han.

It’s like none of that ever happened with how Lu Han smiles at him, soft and warm and thumb gently stroking against his back as his hand lies there solid and his. It’s scary, because here like this, Jongdae finds it harder to think of this just being him and Lu Han giving this a shot rather than this being his ending story. It has a jolt in his chest flashing fast and him pulling back, leaving Lu Han with a flurry of confusion over his face as Jongdae breathes to calm down his suddenly racing heart.

“What do you want to watch?”

It’s easier to ignore the ache in his throat and the lingering feeling of Lu Han’s hands on him, how he wants them back but the fire that threatens to burn in him scares him. He stays quiet, chewing his lip as Lu Han follows him to the television and chooses a movie. After vetoing the movie theater, somehow it was decided movies at home on a rainy day were better, and since Jongdae had seen Lu Han’s apartment, it was only fair Lu Han saw his.

Lu Han chooses an action film from the list showing on the channels and Jongdae nods, turning away from a kiss to get snacks from the kitchen and leaving Lu Han on the floor, holding the remote. He doesn’t see the look on his face, only can still feel his hand on his thigh and the short breath in his throat.

It’s nothing, he tells himself, watching the popcorn bag inflate as it pops in the microwave. We’re just dating, and he’s my boyfriend and this is normal. Jongdae wets his lips, the word boyfriend feeling like it weighs heavier than soul mate. It’s stupid, considering that for years he equated soul mate with a commitment like marriage, and yet he stands in the kitchen realizing Lu Han in the living area has his heart shuddering more than any of his other relationships.

Jongdae didn’t want any of his other boyfriends to touch him like he wants Lu Han too though, the others all just flying into intimacy and Jongdae pulling too close too fast. But he wants to touch Lu Han, to have him touch him, to waste hours with him and for Lu Han to bring up the period of absence and be bothered by it. He wants Lu Han to snap and do something, to push or twist him the wrong way so he can have a reason to say no aside from that he’s scared.

Walking back into the living room, Jongdae stops and stares as Lu Han drops another pillow and few blankets on top of a small pile on the floor. “What are you doing?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend as Lu Han shuffles around his pile of blankets and pillows.

“Come here,” Lu Han says instead, reaching down and pulling the last of the pillows from the couch to the floor. “And put down the snacks, I need your help.”

“With what? Dismantling my apartment?” Jongdae asks, none the less setting the snacks on the small coffee table. Lu Han just grabs his wrist, pulling him closer.

“We have to make a movie nest,” Lu Han tells him, taking one of the blankets and pushes a few blankets and a pillow into Jongdae’s arms. He grins before bopping him on the head with another pillow.

“What the hell is a movie nest?” Jongdae asks, grabbing the pillow and smacking Lu Han with it in the side, smiling a bit when Lu Han wrinkles his nose back at him. Behind them, the television plays commercials at varying degrees of enthusiasm and Lu Han is smiling at him in amusement.

“A nest to watch movies in,” Lu Han says. “What did you think?” He laughs and pokes Jongdae with his pillow, ducking with a muffled laugh as Jongdae goes to hit him again. Jongdae ends up tumbling down into the mess of blankets and pillows when Lu Han hooks a foot around his ankle and trips him down. He laughs as Jongdae lands on him, smiling in satisfaction.

“Quiet,” Lu Han tells him, lips pressing to his hear and sending a shiver through Jongdae as the feeling of Lu Han’s arms wrapping around him, pulling him close, has a nervous rise in his chest, wanting. “The movie is starting.” He doesn’t move, not locking Jongdae in his arms, but holding him, the heat from his body seeping into Jongdae’s as the television plays the opening credits to a movie.

Jongdae is used to watching movies with Baekhyun and Zitao, with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and with Soojung while Amber laughs a her side. He’s used to sitting and running commentary, laughing loudly at the accidents and the poor scripting, and making up side dialogue, joking and fooling around (even if Kyungsoo kind of hates it some times). Jongdae, therefore, makes it only until the first commercials until he’s opening his mouth and commenting on how the main character has very nice abs but definitely needs to lose the cocky attitude if he’s going to stay alive until the end.

Instead of staring at him or arguing with him, Lu Han laughs, the sound vibrating into Jongdae as he’s settled against Lu Han’s side. “Maybe this was all just a false lead up and he did actually die in that opening fight,” Lu Han suggests. His eyes tease and Jongdae allows himself a laugh.

They spin through theories about what is actually going on, each theory getting more and more ridiculous until the movie comes back and Lu Han tells him to hush. Jongdae makes to protest as he was in the middle of a theory, but allows Lu Han to drag him back into his arms, fitting against his chest to watch the movie. He can feel Lu Han laugh as his stomach tenses and relaxes under his hand, settled on his stomach. He makes vague dialogue adjustments and additions as the scenes play out, and Lu Han adds his own, gently running fingers down Jongdae’s arm before slipping to his waist, pulling him closer.

By the end of the first movie, they’ve rewritten all of the movie to their own reasoning and Jongdae is so wrapped up in blankets and Lu Han he doesn’t think of protesting when Lu Han suggests they see what else is on. They spend the second movie, laughing at the dialogue, commercial breaks dissolving into rough housing and Lu Han trying to feed Jongdae popcorn onto to have a fist full shoved into his mouth. The floor and blankets and pillows scatter with limbs and crumbs and popcorn missed when they throw to try to catch it with their mouths. Every time Lu Han manages to succeed, he steals a kiss from Jongdae that leaves him giggling.

The rain continues on, the movies mixing and only when Lu Han excuses himself to the bathroom does Jongdae acknowledge that they’d been so tangled together he could feel Lu Han’s breathing all around him. It’s only when Lu Han is gone and Jongdae can feel the cold where Jongdae had been pressed up to him and the warm buzzing in his nerves that he has to calm quaking breaths.

When Lu Han returns, Jongdae doesn’t allow himself to think, moving to let Lu Han back into the empty and wanting space beside him, with him, and smiling as Lu Han fits with him. Slides into place with his arm around him and hand flitting to his chest. Jongdae doesn’t think as he pulls Lu Han in and presses closer, sighing into the kiss and pushing for more, hands venturing to dance to warm skin.

“We’re missing the movie,” Lu Han murmurs, soft and voice a tinge darker as his lips drag along Jongdae’s jaw, pulling hot faster breath from Jongdae as his skin prickles to Lu Han’s touch.

“Don’t care,” Jongdae says, scratching the words with his nails up Lu Han’s abs teasingly and earning a gasp. He wants Lu Han to touch him, biting his lip at the feeling of Lu Han gently sucking at his skin, kissing down his neck, pulling him closer with a pleasant curl in his abdomen. Under his hands, Lu Han is soft skin and toned muscles, shifting and moving under his touch as Lu Han leans into his touch, orienting to make things easier to move, a soft exhale passing from his lips and fanning over skin damp from kisses.

Kissing, touching and hands pushing aside shirts and threading into hair, Lu Han’s eyes darker when they meet his and his lips swollen before Jongdae takes them again with his own, it’s too hot. Jongdae feels warm, his skin simmering from where Lu Han’s hands run over it, feeling drunk with presses of lips and touches and the slide of their tongues together.

When he’s pressed back into the pillows, Lu Han’s hand at the small of his back, Lu Han’s name slips from him as his hands slip down. Jongdae blinks, looking down at Lu Han as he lets out a gasp from where Jongdae’s hands are resting over his crotch.

“Are you hard?” Jongdae asks, and flushes when Lu Han raises a look at him. It should be a bit obvious, considering that Jongdae’s hand is resting against the obvious strain of Lu Han’s erection.

“My penis just has an opinion about you it’d like to make known,” Lu Han says easily, nonchalance, and Jongdae is laughing before he can stop himself. He’s still laughing, Lu Han joining him, as he pulls his hand away, a darker curl slipping into his stomach as the weight of Lu Han presses to his side.

It grows and twists as Jongdae realizes Lu Han is hard, Jongdae wrapped up and not far from being hard as well, and Lu Han may want him to touch him. Jongdae’s laugh tightens when he thinks of how he wants to touch Lu Han, to feel him in his hand, to push that line and drag Lu Han down and roll their hips together until they’re both gasping and he’s all Jongdae can feel, see, or hear.

Jongdae’s laugh chokes in his throat when it hits him that this isn’t just him wanting release, wanting to fuck. Jongdae had never been one to wait, falling in and out of bed with lovers when he’d tried to find connection, but it had been fast, fucking for the sake of fucking. This isn’t fucking though, because Jongdae doesn’t want Lu Han to touch him out of the desire to make it real, but because it’s Lu Han.

Jongdae has wanted people before, but not like this. It has him pulling away, a rush in his chest and skin skittering with sensitivity as he thinks if he pushes it, it’ll all crumble and he’ll drown in it. Drown in Lu Han.

Hands pulling away, Jongdae curls them to his chest, leaning back and waiting for Lu Han to frown, to grab him back, to pull them together and push him. He waits for Lu Han to crawl into his space and make him push back, tell him no because Jongdae wanting Lu Han can’t be real. He’s just caught up, laughs squawking in his throat as Lu Han lets his laugh fade.

"Oh,” finally manages to break out of Jongdae’s mouth as he pulls back, pushing down and trying to suffocate the want to reach out and lean in. He’s doesn’t want Lu Han, he tells himself, the warm weight of him heavy and hard in his hands, the gasps that might spill from his mouth, or the way Lu Han would rock into his grip before pulling Jongdae apart with his soft but strong hands. “I see.”

Waiting for Lu Han to snap, to frown and grab and fuck up, Jongdae’s rushed breaths build up behind his throat as he watches him.

Lu Han doesn’t frown, instead watching Jongdae with a small fade to his smile but not in disappointment. “No worries,” he says, voice less dark even as it still sends a shiver over Jongdae’s skin. Calm down he tells himself as Lu Han pulls back, hands slipping out from under his shirt.

Jongdae closes his eyes, swallowing hard as Lu Han presses a simple kiss to his cheek and untangles a bit, ignoring the fact that he’s hard and instead turning back to the television.

“Any idea what’s going on?” Lu Han asks, not pushing him, dragging Jongdae into intimacy without his permission and Jongdae feels sick around the curl in his stomach that won’t die.

Over four months of seeing Lu Han and it’s the longest periods of time Jongdae has known someone he’s supposedly seeing without having sex with them. Over four months and Jongdae is pushing down rather than digging up the urge to climb into Lu Han’s lap and meld them together.

“No,” Jongdae mumbles, focusing on his fingers twisting in his lap instead of Lu Han’s fingers brushing over his shoulder. They stay quiet through the rest of the movie, the plot flimsy and without a proper ending but Jongdae keeps his mouth closed, not leaning to Lu Han and clenching his teeth at the want to.

Movie over, Jongdae gets up, leaving Lu Han looking up at him with a slightly confused expression as he mutters about popcorn and needing drinks. Standing in the kitchen and letting the water run over the dishes he never bothered to do from breakfast, Jongdae lets the water focus him. It had been easy to get worked up, and Jongdae’s feelings about Lu Han have been complicated at best, spinning further and further into Kyungsoo’s echoing words of how he’s falling in love with him.

I’m not in love with him Jongdae tells himself, eyes squeezed shut as he pushes out the feel of Lu Han against him, the rushing sound of his pulse in his ears and how he could feel the curling heat of arousal in his gut. I’m not.

“Hey,” startles Jongdae to turn with a snap to see Lu Han leaning against the counter, watching him with a small frown. “You okay?” he asks, and Jongdae almost looks down to see if he’s still hard. He swallows down a drying throat.

“Fine,” Jongdae says, and turns away before he touches. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Lu Han asks, and the note of concern, of care in his voice grates in Jongdae’s mind as it clashes because he doesn’t want Lu Han to care.

Except he does. He does but he doesn’t because Lu Han shouldn’t care he should prove Jongdae right that this isn’t what he wants, what he needs, what makes his heart stutter and his heart sing because Lu Han isn’t perfect.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jongdae snaps, not looking at Lu Han as instead he opens the fridge and pulls out waters. “I’m fine, Lu Han.”

Lu Han’s mouth is in a line, unsmiling when Jongdae turns to look at him again, and his eyes aren’t as soft. Jongdae should feel victorious, but instead he just feels achy and twisted.

They settle to watch a historical movie, something to do with criminals. Jongdae sits with Lu Han in their movie nest and doesn't lean into him, instead lists all the ways Lu Han isn’t perfect in his head. Lu Han doesn’t bother him, only glancing over a few times and making a few comments on the movie, joking a little as Jongdae makes small sounds of acknowledgement, too lost in his own head. He tries to focus on it, the dialogue and the plot and whatever is on the television and not how Lu Han is still there, beside him glancing over every now and then.

When, during a commercial break, Lu Han shifts, leaning back against the sofa, his arm stretching to rest over Jongdae’s shoulder, he stiffens. Tucking his knees to his chest, he leans away, eyes on the advertisement and not looking at Lu Han.

“We can watch something else if you want,” Lu Han suggests, a little too quiet and Jongdae bristles because he doesn’t want to watch something else. This is fine and it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even know what’s going on in the movie, his concentration wavering between ignoring Lu Han and not ignoring Lu Han because he’s too aware of him.

Of everything. How Lu Han moves and how he’s too quiet and his jokes are weird but still funny and Jongdae wants to laugh but doesn’t because it’s all getting stuck. He wants to lean into Lu Han, to ignore the movie instead of Lu Han but instead he’s doing the opposite, thinking of all the backwards things that this is.

Where Lu Han is his boyfriend, which is somehow more intimate than soul mate and Jongdae wants him even if he’s the wrong formula to all the equations Jongdae memorized since he can remember.

“No,” Jongdae says, shaking his head and pitching his voice lofty. “This is fine.”

“Really?” Lu Han’s voice is light, a little too light and distant and Jongdae finally turns to look at him. He’s irritated and on edge and Lu Han’s eyes are hard even if he’s smiling, and it makes Jongdae’s stomach clench.

It’s the same look Lu Han had during that dinner, the one where he told Jongdae he could always tell him no.

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling his own irritation rise because this isn’t fair. “It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.” His skin itches because it’s not fine but he doesn’t want to get into this.

“Are we?” Lu Han asks, and he doesn’t sigh this time, doesn’t look away and let it go, just stares at Jongdae. “Because a lot of things indicate that it isn’t fine. And I’d kind of like to know if I did something wrong.”

Lu Han hasn’t done anything wrong, anything and it bothers Jongdae because he’s been waiting for Lu Han to do something wrong as he grasps and pulls up and down. Lu Han can’t be the person he really falls in love with, right? “Nothing is wrong,” Jongdae shakes his head, thinking of how Lu Han and he were fine, actually fine, just a while ago and so close it felt too real. “I thought we were watching a movie together.”

“I think we’re doing a lot of things, and then it turns out we aren’t,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae frowns, feeling a sudden curl of anger in his chest.

“What?” Jongdae isn’t ignoring him now. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean,” Lu Han sighs now, but it’s not to calm himself down, Jongdae can see that in him, and he clenches his teeth because he realizes how he can read him now. “We’re dating, and it’s fine, and you’re happy and fun and it’s like everything is okay,” Lu Han says and runs a hand through his hair. “And I think you’re happy, and I’m not the only one who feels like this, but then suddenly it flips, and not in the fun way, where you’re sarcastic. It’s like you remember something and don't want anything to do with me.”

Lu Han’s hand drops from his hair, and he looks tired, leaning back and looking at Jongdae, like he’s waiting for him to tell him no, that what he’s just said isn’t actually what is happening.

“That’s not true,” Jongdae says, even as it steers drastically to the truth. Jongdae is just…

“Isn’t it?” Lu Han doesn’t wait for Jongdae to make an excuse, to fish in his sea of explanations to dig one up and shove it at him. “Isn’t that exactly what keeps happening? You like me, then you don’t, then you want to be with me and then you don’t talk to me for two weeks. Then you miss me, want me again, and I don’t push it because I figure you have your reasons, and I’ll find out. And then it’s fine, and we’re okay and you’re happy to be with me and then suddenly you’re shutting me out again. So tell me what the fuck is wrong.”

“Is that what you’re mad about?” Jongdae frowns, trying to stamp down the surge in his chest of irritation, of guilt, of discomfort. “Because I didn’t talk to you for a bit and then just wanted to watch a movie instead of jack you off?” He’s getting angry, and it’s probably not entirely based, but Lu Han’s words hurt.

Mostly because it feels like they’re true.

“No,” Lu Han says, and sits up, face set. “I’m not mad because you didn't jack me off,” he bites out. “I’m mad because you act like this is some sort of fucking game that you can dick around with, like you’re the only one playing it.”

“I never said this was a game,” Jongdae protests, sitting up and turning to stare at Lu Han, annoyed. “What? Because I want to watch a movie you immediately assume that something is wrong?” He doesn’t like this, the twisting in his stomach and the burning feeling in his chest very much anger and very unpleasant. It’s not like he’s enjoying the whiplash that he’s throwing back and forth. “It’s not like this is easy for me.”

“Easy for you?” Lu Han laughs, and it sounds so humorless it grates in the air, because Lu Han doesn’t look happy. He looks angry, actually angry, and hurt and it’s worse than that night at the restaurant. “Look, this isn’t supposed to be easy. This isn’t some game that you’re play where you can just treat everything as it is convenient and ‘easy’ for you. These are my feelings you’re playing with.”

Lu Han’s voice stays at the same level, but Jongdae almost wishes he was yelling. It would be easier then to explain his own irritation, his own want to fight back and tell Lu Han he’s wrong. The tension in his chest, around his heart, gripping and squeezing until it aches, is something he never wanted, or thought he’d have to deal with.

A soul mate is supposed to be there with him, to understand him, to support and love him and it’s not supposed to hurt like this. To make him so confused and angry and mixed up. “I never signed up for this,” Jongdae blurts out, nearly shouts and Lu Han’s expression closes off like he’s been slapped.

Then it darkens, and Jongdae can’t read it at all. “I never signed up for anything!” Lu Han’s voice is raised, and it cracks a bit, feeling like a punch in the chest. “Jongdae, this isn’t signing up for something. This is just life.”

The tightness in his throat get worse, feeling like he’s being backed into a corner and the only way out is through Lu Han but Lu Han is what put him here. Because this is all because of Lu Han in the first place. “You aren’t the person I thought I’d fall in love with,” Jongdae snaps, because Lu Han isn’t, and he’s still lost trying to figure out why it is him.

“Neither are you!” Lu Han yells and Jongdae freezes.

The words are like being slapped in the face, and Jongdae gapes at Lu Han. Lu Han, whose shoulders heave with suppressed breaths and whose face is dark and tight and looks more hurt and angry than Jongdae has ever seen him. “What?” Jongdae has never heard Lu Han say anything remotely like this, and he doesn’t know how to process anything but shock. It takes a second before his shock clicks to anger though. “What the fuck?”

“You have all these ideas, Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and raises his hands to drag over his face. “You have these expectations that I keep fighting against, and I know I do.” His hands drop from his face and Lu Han shakes his head, like he’s shaking off a irritant. “I didn’t expect anything from the person I was soul mates with aside from that I’d fall in love with them.” That hurts, and Jongdae doesn’t like how much it hurts. Lu Han is looking directly at him and it hurts and he’s angry. “That’s it,” Lu Han continues, and the laugh he lets out is raw and cruel. “And so far that’s been you.

“You’re funny, you’re genuine, you never let people tell you what to do, and when you aren’t thinking about it, you’re really nice.” Lu Han smiles, like this isn’t hurting, like this doesn’t feel like the ending of something before it really started. “I love spending time with you, because I fell in love with you because I didn’t think I would do anything else.” He sighs, and Jongdae has nothing to say from the pain in his chest and the buzzing in his head. “I’m sorry it doesn’t work the same way for you,” Lu Han says, and his voice has such an edge to it, Jongdae winces.

Then Lu Han is looking away. Lu Han is standing up, and not looking at him, and Jongdae is watching him move away, walking from their movie nest which had been fine just an hour ago, and Jongdae feels shut out. “Lu Han,” Jongdae says, pushing up and moving after him, not sure why he sounds angry because all he feels is rushed and frantic.

“Don’t,” Lu Han’s voice is a slap. So hard Jongdae stops and watches Lu Han grab his shoulder bag. “Just stop it. You can keep playing your game, just stop asking me to play with you.”

Jongdae never hears him actually say I don’t want to but the strain in Lu Han’s voice is enough

He doesn’t see Lu Han’s face before he leaves but the sight of Lu Han’s back is enough walking away and not turning back is enough to make him feel terrible.

Standing in the living room looking down at the mass of blankets and pillows that he and Lu Han had made together to watch movies in, the sinking in Jongdae’s chest tells him that this isn’t Lu Han doing something wrong. This isn’t Lu Han being wrong for him.

This is Jongdae. Fucking everything up and finally reaping the results of it.


๑


“No,” is out of Kyungsoo’s mouth before Jongdae can even properly tell him what happened. “I don’t even want to hear it. The look on your face tells me enough.”

“What does that even mean?” Jongdae huffs, trying to step into the apartment past Kyungsoo so he can wallow properly on their couch. Kyungsoo remains firm, a foot behind the door and preventing Jongdae entry. “Please? Can I come in?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and frowns more, purposefully looking more menacing. “I’m busy.”

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae tries, leaning into the door and the whine in his voice isn’t intentional this time. He really needs to talk right now, to someone that isn’t Baekhyun. He can’t talk to Lu Han because Lu Han is entirely the reason he needs to talk to someone about this. “Please?”

Kyungsoo gives him a long stern look as Jongdae looks at him pitifully. Then Kyungsoo sighs, hanging his head and Jongdae feels a small little bump of victory in his chest as he lets the door open a bit. Finally being allowed entry, Jongdae slumps into the apartment unit of his friends to Kyungsoo staring at him and Chanyeol looking up from the couch.

“What did you do?” Chanyeol asks, eyebrows raising as he puts down his newspaper and takes in Jongdae’s deflated form.

Sighing, Jongdae flops down into the couch, putting a hand over his face. “Why do you immediately assume I’m the one at fault?” he asks, feeling heavy and tired and entirely bad.

“Because it usually is your fault,” Kyungsoo says, following behind him and sitting down in the arm chair opposite to stare at him in disapproving deadpan. “Especially these days.”

“What happened?” asks Chanyeol, the less annoyed and far more patient one at the moment, turning to give Jongdae his full attention.

“I-“ Jongdae pauses, faltering for a moment before he sighs. Lu Han’s face flashes through his mind, the expression on it, and the words that hit hard and which he turned over and over in his mind later and felt worse and worse. “I fucked up.”

“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, monotone. “Such a surprise.” He throws Chanyeol a dead look when Chanyeol tries to look at him in what Jongdae thinks is supposed to be a ‘kindness is important’ reminder.

“How did you fuck up?” Chanyeol asks, and something about his tone makes Jongdae feel like he’s being treated like a tempermental five year old.

Jongdae isn’t really good at organizing his thoughts, and explaining things in a sequential order and turning it into a running dictation and well ordered speech. Chanyeol is good at this, which is why he’s so good at his job which involves so much PR it makes Jongdae’s head spin. Usually, this ability helps Chanyeol pick apart what he says and organize it into a succinct and easy to understand reasoning behind his action so he can tell Jongdae he isn’t a complete nut job.

Today, as Jongdae sits on the couch and tells Kyungsoo (who looks increasingly annoyed and fed up) and Chanyeol about what happened, about how Lu Han basically told him he was in love with him and Jongdae is disillusioned, Chanyeol doesn’t look so forgiving. Instead, he looks very similar to Kyungsoo, and having two people semi-glaring at him makes Jongdae feel even worse.

As if the last twenty four hours hadn’t been bad enough, with Jongdae sitting and spinning over the ways in which Lu Han kind of had a point. Where Jongdae had to sit and think about his feelings and Lu Han’s feelings and ended up feeling even worse than he started.

“So then what happened?” Chanyeol asks, and he doesn’t sound understanding and forgiving at all, instead painfully disappointed.

“He,” Jongdae is really not doing well with forming proper smooth flowing sentences today. He sighs for the seventh time in the conversation and pulls a finger through his hair. “He walked out.” He wants to wince, to grimace, and maybe he does, trying not to let the flare of discomfort spread too fast through his chest. “He just walked out and hasn’t answered my calls.”

“Well, at least you’re trying to call him for once,” Kyungsoo scoffs, arms folded over his chest as he looks resolutely at the coffee table.

“Why are you so angry with me?” Jongdae finally snaps, turning to Kyungsoo. These are his friends, and he feels very much like they aren’t at all on his side right now.

“Because,” Chanyeol says and reaches over to pat him on the knee. “You’re kind of a piece of shit.”

“Harsh,” Jongdae grumps back at him, letting his hand slide off his face to flop beside him, as sad and pathetic as he feels at the moment. “I’m not that bad.”

“But you kind of are,” Kyungsoo says, and still just glares at the recent edition of Knitting Know-How on the coffee table. “You’ve been acting like this is all some huge struggle for you since you met Lu Han.”

“It has-“ Jongdae starts to protest.

“Shut up!” Kyungsoo snaps, and the sharpness of his voice has Jongdae snapping his mouth closed very quickly. “This isn’t Lu Han’s fault. He never asked for this any more than you did. This isn’t a huge trial, this is you, being a dick.”

Jongdae has never had Kyungsoo yell at him before. Granted, Kyungsoo wasn’t actually yelling, instead far more of an angered regular tone of voice, but it still makes Jongdae feel like a scolded child. Before he can try to say something though, try to apologize, Kyungsoo is sighing and pushing up, walking swiftly to the kitchen and shaking his head angrily.

“Don’t,” Chanyeol says, tightening his grip on Jongdae’s knee. “Neither of you will be happy if you try to talk to him right now.”

“He’s my friend,” Jongdae protests, and frowns at Chanyeol. Chanyeol is Kyungsoo’s boyfriend, and Chanyeol hasn’t known him as long, been through as much, and despite his hard efforts to become a part of their friend group, he’s still not as close.

“And I’m telling you to give him space,” Chanyeol says and lets out a long sigh. “He’s mad at you right now-“

“Everyone is mad at me right now,” Jongdae grumbles.

“Yeah, well you kind of deserve it,” Chanyeol tells him, and while his voice is even and light, the words make Jongdae wince. “Jongdae, you haven’t exactly been the greatest example of a good friend, or person, to anyone in your life lately. Including yourself.”

“Is this one of those times when you give me life advice?” Jongdae asks, leaning a little away, because Chanyeol dishing out life advice always feels vaguely surreal.

“This is me telling you that you’re messing things up when you should just take a moment and think,” Chanyeol says. “Look, do you even know why you don’t like Lu Han?”

“I do like Lu Han,” Jongdae immediately jumps back, the knee jerk response flashing out of him faster than he can stop it. It scares him, because he does like Lu Han. A lot.

“Then why do you keep pushing him away?” Chanyeol asks, and Jongdae opens his mouth to answer but finds his answer too stale and stupid to say. Chanyeol smiles and, to Jongdae’s embarrassment and benefit, answers for him. “Jongdae, you need to stop comparing Lu Han to this idea of what you should be in love with compared to what you are falling in love with.”

“I’m not-“

“You are,” Chanyeol doesn’t let him make excuses. He isn’t angry, like Kyungsoo, but he definitely isn’t letting Jongdae whine. “You have been since you met him, because he isn’t this prince charming fantasy you built up telling yourself you should have. I haven’t met Lu Han, but I can tell he’s far better than those stylized ideals you keep looking for in other people.”

Jongdae swallows, wanting to hold something to him or just grab onto a surface to keep from faltering. Chanyeol just pats him on the knee, like some sort of weird uncle, and smiles.

“You’ve been trying to find this idea of someone perfect for you as this soul mate but you’ve missed the whole thing.” Chanyeol sighs. “All those other people you dated, starting with Joonmyun and rolling on from there, you were in love with the idea of them, but this isn’t an idea, this is real.”

“So, you’re telling me I’ve been living in a fantasy,” Jongdae asks, sagging into the couch and feeling heavy. Chanyeol makes sense, his words sinking into him heavily and the more he says, the worse Jongdae feels.

“Basically,” Chanyeol says with a slow nod. “And now you’ve just been slapped in the face with reality.” He smiles, looking far too smart for his silly face. “About time really.”

“I’m glad to know you think I deserve this punishment,” Jongdae wiggles a bit more into the couch, just wanting it all to go away, the pain in his chest, and feeling of being sick at not being with Lu Han, the wonder of if this is the soul mate thing or something more personal.

“Actually,” Chanyeol says, and smiles wider. “I think you deserve worse for the shit you’ve put him through. I’d have punched you before now.” He lets out a soft laugh and Jongdae doesn’t think it’s funny. “He must really like you to have put up with that for so long.”

“I suppose I should thank Lu Han then,” Jongdae says dryly.

“Probably,” Chanyeol says and pats his knee again. “But I suggest being realistic with yourself and deciding if you’re ready to stop fucking him over first.”

“And apologize,” Kyungsoo says, striding back into the living room and wiping his hands on a towel. “Properly. And pray he forgives your sorry ass.”

“I’m so glad I have such supportive friends,” Jongdae sighs. He doesn’t feel better, instead just feeling more like a piece of shit, but at least his head is less tangled up in a mess of thoughts and feelings.

“Glad you appreciate us,” Kyungsoo says, snapping his towel in a way that Jongdae classifies as menacing. “Now get out.”

Jongdae ends up leaving after Kyungsoo snaps the towel again and Chanyeol takes his hand off his knee. Walking back from Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s place, trying to think through the muddle of what Chanyeol had said and which flows through his own head, he ends up scrolling through his contacts list.

Since as long as Jongdae can remember, he’s had the vision of what he wanted, what he was going to find. As his friends fell in love, Jongdae watched them, seeing them sigh and smile and look like they just fit together so easily. He watched and waited for it to happen to him as well, to meet his soul mate and got scared when he didn’t instead looking for who he knew he was supposed to be with.

People like Joonmyun. People like Li Yin. People like Yixing, and Sooyoung, and Donghae and Sojin who stepped into Jongdae’s life like something out of a dream, his dream. The people who he felt his heart stop for, his breath catch, and who he wanted to see he belonged with because they were exactly what he thought was just for him.

Jongdae doesn’t realize he has his phone pressed to his ear until Joonmyun picks up and answers with a polite sounding “Hello?” and Jongdae jerks back to attention.

“Hi,” Jongdae stumbles out. It’s been so long since he talked to Joonmyun, since he actually saw him in person, the last time being Joonmyun’s wedding when he smiled and kissed the woman he was supposed to be with. “How are you?”

“Jongdae?” Joonmyun sounds surprised, and happy, like he never expected to really hear from him. To be honest, Jongdae had kind of hidden away for a while after the wedding, bitter that it hadn’t been him that was supposed to be with Joonmyun. “Wow, it’s so great to hear from you. It’s been so long, over a year I think.” He laughs, the sound so familiar and it makes Jongdae smile.

He missed him.

“How are you?” Joonmyun asks, and Jongdae can almost see him, the smile on his face and the patient expression lighting up his eyes, indulgent and kind and attentive. Aware and careful and detail oriented. “I haven’t heard from you in so long, I almost worried you were dead. Glad to know you are still with us and not speaking to us as a 4D Dae.”

Jongdae cringes when Joonmyun laughs, apparently still thinking the things he says are funny when they aren’t. “No, still alive,” Jongdae says, letting out a soft chuckle because Joonmyun did at least try to be funny even if he was so embarrassing while he did so. “How about you? How are things?”

As Joonmyun tells Jongdae about his life, rambling about his job, successful, his marriage, successful, his friendships, also successful and his hobbies, Jongdae realizes why he called him. Because Joonmyun was his ‘it’, the ideal and his first perfect match, who he should have been soul mates with and spent the rest of his life with.

According to himself, what he fixated on and saw in Joonmyun.

Hearing Joonmyun ramble on the phone about how his wife is almost as good at golf as he is and how he is pretty sure when their kid arrives, it’ll be taller than him, Jongdae realizes that Joonmyun is perfect.

Joonmyun is a wonderful perfect person. He’s just not actually perfect for Jongdae. It is kind of relaxing, as if Jongdae has just pulled up a huge weed in the garden and found the entire root system underneath that went so deep it clogged the ground around it.

“Anyway,” Joonmyun says, after a long winded explanation of how interesting accounting is. “Enough about me, what is new with you?”

Jongdae called to tell Joonmyun about Lu Han, about how things weren’t perfect and Joonmyun was and to try to get some sense out of this. Now, Joonmyun waiting on the other end for his reply, Jongdae doesn’t need to say anything, can’t say anything. Joonmyun is happy, in love with the person he married, his own soul mate, and Jongdae doesn’t need to drag him into this.

Jongdae isn’t soul mates with Joonmyun even though he thought he should be. Jongdae was in love with some parts of Joonmyun, the parts that he saw through his mind as perfect and what he should want and be in love with, but it wasn’t really Joonmyun. Hearing now how his wife teases him about his poor humor and yet indulges in his terrible want for couple outfits during golfing outings, Jongdae knows he didn’t love Joonmyun.

He loved the idea, his idea, of Joonmyun.

It makes him smile. He isn’t happy, but he is relieved, and while it feels like this is something he should have realized a long time ago, it feels nice to finally grasp.

“Nothing much,” Jongdae answers, watching his feet travel over the sidewalk down town, walking to Soojung and Amber’s apartment. He doesn’t want to be alone right now, still feeling a little too big inside of his body and too shaky to be left alone “I just wanted to say hi.” He can picture Joonmyun, and the mental image of his smile makes Jongdae do so as well. “I haven’t talked to you in a while.”

For years Jongdae told himself he was in love with people like Joonmyun, but now, talking to him now after what seems like being pushed in all the wrong directions, he can’t tell Joonmyun. He can’t tell him that he was in love with him.

Because he never was.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy and you never pick up your phone,” Joonmyun grumbles a bit, sound coming from his end of the line. “Does it still squawk?”

“Quack,” Jongdae laughs, turning down a side street. “Yes, it still quacks, Joonmyun.”

“I take it Baekhyun is doing well then,” Joonmyun says, and his voice is fond. It’s nice to talk to him, and Jongdae feels warmer, comforted almost. He really is talking to an old friend, and it does help him feel just a little better. “I got his and Zitao’s wedding invitation the other day. I can’t believe they sent it with metallic red writing though.”

“Zitao insisted,” Jongdae says, smiling at the memory of compromise between the couple, which was, in fact, Zitao hitting Baekhyun and complaining about him for an hour before Baekhyun told him he’d already put in the order and to cease the physical assault.

“Of course,” Joonmyun chuckles. “I guess I’ll see you at the wedding.”

Jongdae ends his brief conversation with Joonmyun as he enters the subways. He closes his phone without really telling Joonmyun why he called and feeling okay that he never really touched on the subject. Joonmyun doesn’t know about Lu Han, at least not until Jongdae figures things out and feels less like punching himself.

Calling Joonmyun had been good, because hearing him now, talking to him, and listening to him, had Jongdae not feeling that sudden rush of emotion, but just calm contentment. He stopped being in love with Joonmyun a long time ago, and perhaps he never was.

“No,” is out of Soojung’s mouth as soon as she opens the door and sees Jongdae standing there.

“What is it with people telling me no today?” Jongdae sighs as Soojung attempts to slam the door on him and Amber steps in to prevent it.

“Kyungsoo and I are starting a new movement known as Jongno Kim and we’re activating our protest today,” Soojung huffs at him before throwing Amber a suffering look and flouncing into the apartment.

“Hey,” says Amber, giving him a brief once over. “You look like shit.”

“Charming,” Jongdae gives her a weak smile. “That’s what I was going for. A visual aid to ensure I was given sympathy.”

“Try harder next time,” Amber says with a small amused smile as she steps back and lets him in. Soojung glares at him and refuses to let him sit on the couch. She also refuses to offer him any words of kindness and instead just shakes her head in disapproval in his general direction as he appeals to hers and Amber’s wisdom.

“So, good job,” Soojung says, when Jongdae finishes explaining what happened and how Lu Han just left and nothing is resolved and Jongdae feels vaguely ill constantly. “You finally found someone who works and who you actually care about and you fuck it up.”

“It all didn’t work for so long,” Jongdae tries to protest, feeling very attacked at the moment. Soojung has that effect when she looks at him sometimes.

“Because you kept refusing to look at things from under your stupid ideas,” Soojung interjects before Jongdae can continue. “Stop trying to explain why you can’t be in love with Lu Han when you could. Soul mates are one thing but in the end, you either fall in love or you don’t. And right now, you either drop it and stop or find a way to fix it because the way you’ve been acting is hurting both of you more than anything.”

If there were a general all encompassing word for the feeling of being hit in the face, given a long doctoral course in another language, and been put through the washer, it still wouldn’t entirely surmise Jongdae’s current emotional sentiments. As it is, he sits looking at Soojung and settles for the term ‘greviously and slightly nauseously forlorn’ instead.

He swallows, figuring opening his mouth is probably a dangerous thing to do with Soojung glaring at him at the moment. There are a few glares she has perfected, and this one usually means ‘defy me and I’ll eat you’. Amber looks vaguely more understanding sitting on the armrest of the couch.

Licking his lips, after a long pause when it looked as if Soojung was completely giving up hope for him, Jongdae finally inhales. It shudders, because he feels like he’s shaking. It’s the worst kind of shake, because his hands aren’t shaking, nor the rest of him, but inside his chest is, where his heart can’t figure out what it’s supposed to do aside from make problems. “So,” he says, an it warbles out of it.

Somehow, the tremor in his tone seems to have garnered some degree of appeal to the women before him. “What do I do?”

Jongdae barely ducks the pillow thrown at him by Soojung before she gets up and brushes her hair back with a haughtiness only Zitao could challenge. “Figure it out,” she says, before throwing Amber a look that Jongdae can’t quite read.

Amber sighs, shaking her head a bit before looking at Jongdae. “Really, this is your thing you have to figure out this time,” she says. “We’ve already told you what we think. You have to find out what you think now.”

“What does that even mean?” Jongdae half sighs, knowing kind of what it means but also still feeling shuddery and wobbly and an ache in his chest.

“Not sure,” Amber admits and at least has the humor to smile a bit. “But it sounded pretty cool.”


๑


The crack through the sky has Jongdae’s spine stiffening, curling a little bit closer to his keyboard as he bites his lip. It’s always been something he never liked, the whole thunder and lightning spontaneous bangs and rumbles, cracking through the sky.

When Jongdae was younger, he’d lie in bed as the thunderstorms rolled over head and the sudden flashes of light and roars following had him curling closer to his teddies. He’d lie there, and think of when he would grow up and find his soul mate, when they’d hold him instead of him holding a teddy, and tell him it was going to be okay.

Not many know how, despite being the least likely to startle person most of his friends know, there’s something about those big storms that has always made him feel so small.

It’s a bit ironic how now, when he’s older and already feeling small and confused and trying to find his feet, just wanting someone to hold him, there’s another huge storm, this one raging outside of the office. The windows are gray and rain washed as Jongdae glances out of them, the fluorescent lighting casting the floor into a strange eerie glow. Another flash warrants through the sky, and Jongdae winces, feeling his spine lock as he waits for the rumble or the crash to shake the sound around him.

“Stop day dreaming,” Hyo says as she walks by, a stack of important looking documents in her arms. She barely looks up at him, instead just looking far too aware of the office around her. “Or I’ll give you something else to do in case you’re bored.”

“I’m conceptualizing,” Jongdae tells her and gets a raised eyebrow as she passes.

Except he’s not. Jongdae is instead sitting with a few hunches further into his computer feeling exactly the same as he did a few weeks ago before going in for the interview for this exact job. He feels shaky and worn and empty, wanting.

Wanting Lu Han.

Years ago, Jongdae had thought of a soul mate and what it meant to him. For most of his life, he’s kept on the same idea, thinking of meeting his soul mate, getting more and more anxious about it as his friends all paired off and he was left behind, alone and wondering if the line around his wrist would ever fade. He passed from job to job because he was more focused on finding his ‘one’ than finding what he actually needed.

That’s kind of what it all boils down to, Jongdae realizes, sitting there and looking over the latest mix track line up for the new song-set of basic jingles they’ve assigned him for this week. Find any mistakes, is his job.

It all boils down to how he’s spent his whole life looking for the one he wanted, the one he believed was his and had this grand idea of, this perfection. It wasn’t a bad person, and Jongdae had met and dated some of them and in the end…

It wasn’t what he needed.

Jongdae can look at Yixing and Joonmyun and see how perfect they are, like the piece of music before him for the basic jingle that has no errors and is exactly as it should be. What he wants.

But compared to the piece he had earlier this morning, which was something one of the trainees at the company had given him, big eyes shining behind his glasses and with shaking hands, it pales. The one from this morning was riddled with mistakes, small errors and didn’t follow the preset ideal of a piece.

But as a musical piece, Jongdae liked it immediately.

The idea of perfect that Jongdae has been holding onto since he was young and scared of the thunder rolling through his bedroom was never the prince charming he imagined coming in to banish the thunder. No one can banish it.

Sitting in the office and closing his eyes as he hears another roll of thunder, Jongdae breathes out slowly, trying to focus. Rather than the image of someone, this perfect idea, Jongdae thinks of Lu Han, who might not tell him everything is okay and the thunder will go away.

Lu Han would probably take a minute, looking for something else, and take his hand, hold on because Jongdae needs him there, and then smile. He might step too close and tell Jongdae with lips brushing to his ears to wait, counting between the flashes of lightning to thunder and hold his breath. He can let it out when he hears the thunder. When Jongdae did, Lu Han might laugh and tell him he almost failed, or try to tease him instead, but he would be there.

Lu Han isn’t perfect, his jokes weird and the way he laughs is far from attractive and he’s about as good at explaining things and understanding what Jongdae is saying sometimes as a stranger. Lu Han isn’t the idea of perfect that Jongdae wanted.

However, when Jongdae is sitting in the office and pushing down the bulge of fear in his throat, he wants Lu Han there, because Lu Han isn’t perfect, but he is kind of perfect for Jongdae.

Which is maybe what Jongdae was supposed to know all along, and just got wrapped up with when he focused so much on the idea rather than what was right in front of him.

“Seriously, I have other work for you to do,” Hyo says, passing by again, this time with another coffee. “Remember, you don’t have time to space off and slack off. You’re still on thin ice, boy.”

“Yes, sir,” Jongdae says, trying to tease and it falters as another crack of thunder has him hunkering down into his computer. Hyo simply raises an eyebrow before sauntering on down the office aisle.

Turning back to the work he has to finish up before he can tackle the next project, Jongdae remembers all the times that Baekhyun used to remark about how perfect Lu Han seemed for him. He cringes as the thunder rolls again and imagines how he will be coming to terms with the fact that Baekhyun was absolutely right.

Now, with the text messages and phone calls coming from his end, he can only hope that Lu Han meant it when they last were together and he as good as said he was in love with Jongdae. Jongdae figures he doesn’t have much else going for him at the moment.


๑


“I’m proud of you,” Baekhyun says, around something crinkly and crunching into Jongdae’s ear over the phone.

“For talking to my boyfriend?” Jongdae asks, one eyebrow raising. It would work better if Baekhyun were here to see his expression, the impact mostly lost on the phone.

“No, for taking your head out of your butt,” Baekhyun says. “Mostly I’m amazed at how far shoved up there you managed to get it, but then again, people have put stranger things up their assholes.”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae wants to hang up, to exile Baekhyun from his life, but he kind of needs his moral support. He’d call Kyungsoo, but the last time he mentioned trying to ‘fix things’, Kyungsoo told him ‘good’ and then started aggressively shredding cheese.

For the sake of Jongdae living past the age of thirty, he’d elected to call Baekhyun.

“Shh,” Baekhyun hushes him. “Just accept my praise and be honored I am giving it to you.” Jongdae resists the urge to roll his eyes. There would be no point. Instead, he shifts so he can avoid a stranger running down the street in extremely short athletic pants. “But really, this is good. Now you can finally get a plus one for the wedding instead of being lame and making us look bad.”

“Glad to know you’ve got that priority list sorted out,” Jongdae says, smiling a bit. It’s a nice day, and he’s off for the Saturday. It’s weird, considering he’s become so used to meeting with Lu Han on the weekends, that they’re not meeting with plans.

The curl of nervous apprehension gets stronger as he walks, trying to remember the way to Lu Han’s apartment and hoping he’s not actually busy today. Jongdae pushes down the idea of him out with other people, laughing with them and giving them his full attention, leaning in with that soft look in his eyes.

“Have you rehearsed your apology speech?” Baekhyun asks and Jongdae pushes his hair back.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, looking for landmarks. “It mostly goes ‘I'm sorry I was a dick can you please forgive me and by the way I like you a lot.’ Good?”

“You’re going to get dumped,” Baekhyun tells him before laughing loudly directly into Jongdae’s ear. “I hope you’re not actually telling Lu Han that because I’m judging him if he forgives you. That was terrible.”

“No, that’s not what I’m actually telling him,” Jongdae tells him and Baekhyun makes another eating sound. “I’m still figuring it out, but the basic details are talking to him about stuff, feelings, and apologizing.”

“Apologizing is probably good,” Baekhyun hums to him. “You could also go for a blow job but I feel like from what you’ve said, you two have been boring as shit.”

“Sex isn’t always the answer.”

“Says the guy who fucked Yixing on their third date,” Baekhyun throws back and Jongdae’s throat goes dry. He’d forgotten a bit, how it used to be, how it was before Lu Han. He’d forgotten how he would throw himself at people, like how he and Yixing barely got past truly getting to know each other before they were in bed and Jongdae was holding onto telling himself this was what he wanted rather than thinking.

“Yixing was different,” Jongdae says, though it sounds lame.

“Why? Because he was hot, or because you thought sleeping with him would magically make him your soul mate.” Jongdae swallows, feeling a little sick at the memories. He and Lu Han have only kissed, touched a bit, but mostly only kissed. The last time they were together, Jongdae shut him out so fast it sent them both spinning just because Lu Han got aroused. “You haven’t even hit third base with Lu Han, have you?”

“Not all people have to broadcast their sex life to their friends,” Jongdae says, the nervousness in his chest getting worse as it twists with regret. Jongdae is very good at judging people, he just didn’t realize he could judge himself, and he realizes he’s brutal.

“You literally told me about Yixing’s pecs in excruciating detail for an hour after dating him for a week,” Baekhyun throws back. “Don’t give me that shit.”

“Yeah, but Yixing was different,” Jongdae says, turning the corner that leads into the neighborhood Lu Han lives in. “He was-“

Jongdae’s voice dies at just the same moment as he almost drops his phone, nearly walking into the two people rounding the corner. He steps back fast, blinking fast, an apology forming on his lips, before he sees who it is and instead of “sorry,” he says, “Lu Han.”

As much as people talk up the whole ‘long time no see’ reunion, Jongdae doesn’t actually find the mix of surprise and happiness and fear and nausea all that great of a feeling. It actually makes him want to give up feeling things entirely just for that moment, especially since Lu Han is staring at him wide eyed and Jongdae has forgotten everything he’s going to say.

Thankfully, or unfortunately, depending on what perception is taken, neither Lu Han or Jongdae have to say anything, as instead the person Lu Han is with speaks instead. “Jongdae, what are you doing here?”

Jongdae recognizes that voice, and his own stomach plummets to Hell when he turns to look at sees who Lu Han is with.

“Please tell me I didn’t just hear Yixing’s voice,” groans Baekhyun over the cell phone still pressed to Jongdae’s ear. Jongdae snaps his phone closed, throat dry, and looks at the very obvious smiling face of Yixing who is standing beside Lu Han in one of his low cut shirts and looking polite and happily perplexed.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, because he has no idea what else to say. Long time no see, thanks for all the sex too bad we didn’t work out sounds pretty fucking terrible as it rolls into Jongdae’s brain unhelpfully.

Lu Han is looking between them. Jongdae tries to look at him more than Yixing, but it’s awkward, because Yixing is looking at him like they used to be childhood friends and not semi-romantic fuck buddies – wannabe soul mates.

“How have you been?” Yixing asks, still smiling and now Lu Han is just staring at Jongdae.

Jongdae has only met Minseok, and Jongdae never met Yixing’s friends when they were dating. Yixing barely knew his friends; they never reached that point in their relationship, and it ended before that was brought in. Jongdae didn’t even know they knew each other, and now he wonders if Lu Han knew him before.

Fuck.

“I’ve been okay,” Jongdae answers, because it’s polite and if he ignores Yixing then it’s just going to make things worse. Though, seeing his current soul mate and boyfriend with his ex is a pretty bad situation, he will admit. “Actually I was on my way to-“ he looks at Lu Han, trying to implore in a look that this isn’t bad, that he’s not bad, to please ignore everything right now.

“You two know each other?” Lu Han says, speaking over Jongdae’s fading explanation as to what he was doing. If Lu Han had only answered his damn phone, maybe Jongdae could have avoided this.

Avoided Lu Han possibly knowing that until him, Jongdae had been so desperate to find his soul mate he’d tried to force it. He cringes internally.

“Yeah,” Yixing says, still smiling and apparently the only person unable to feel how uncomfortable this is. Yixing laughs and looks at Jongdae like he knows him. Technically, he does. “We used to date a few months back.”

Lu Han stiffens, staring at Yixing and completely ignoring Jongdae, who can do nothing but look at Lu Han and hope this stops before it rolls away from him, before he can even try to fix this. Yixing is looking between them, still smiling a bit but looking a little confused. Jongdae tries to jerk his head to say shut the fuck up but Yixing misses it.

“You were - wait,” something dark passes over Lu Han’s face, and when he turns to look at Jongdae, he looks so unlike the Lu Han Jongdae is used to seeing, it almost scares him. It doesn’t, because it hurts more and Jongdae just wants to reach out and stop it because this isn’t how Lu Han was supposed to find out.

Lu Han wasn’t supposed to find out.

“This is the guy you were fucking who broke up with you because it wasn’t working for him” Selfish. The words hit in daggers and Jongdae does wince this time. “This is the guy you were dating when you met Sehun and fucked things up? The guy who came onto you and tried to make things work and then kicked you out after fucking just like that. That was Jongdae?” When Lu Han says his name, it isn’t kind, nor warm, it’s cold and hard and laced with disappointment. He almost spits it out, but the dip in his voice catches and Lu Han has never looked like this before.

Like he’s about to break but is holding it together only to be angry, fists clenching at his sides.

Jongdae wants to tell him no, that wasn’t him, but instead all the words stick behind his tongue and he can only watch as Yixing gets a small look of concern on his face.

“Well, it wasn’t quite that bad, but-“ Yixing looks at Jongdae like he’s apologizing to him for how rude Lu Han is being.

In his mind, Jongdae can hear Chanyeol’s deep voice saying but you kind of deserve it. He doesn’t want to deserve this, he wants to stop it all so Lu Han stops looking at him like that.

Like he’s lost him.

“But that’s basically what happened,” Lu Han bites out. “Fucking hell.” Lu Han doesn't even look at him, just turns around with a thin mouth and fury in his eyes and Jongdae feels something snap.

“Lu Han!” cries from his lips before he can control it and Yixing’s eyes widen. Jongdae has no real idea what he’s going to say, only that he doesn’t want to see Lu Han walk away from him again and this time he knows why. Except now he has no idea how to keep him.

Lu Han does turn around. He turns around and glares so viciously at Jongdae that he may as well have hit him, shoulders shaking as his jaw clenches. “What?” he half yells, clear and sharp. “What, Jongdae? Is there more I need to know here? More people who are better, more idealistic shit about how this isn’t your fault and you don’t know? Or is it just that for some damn reason you couldn’t think that I’d be worth your time?”

Jongdae bristles at that. Jongdae may not have been great the last few months, and has had a worse time sorting through his feelings, but it’s not like he didn’t care. It’s not like he didn’t care last time they were together when Lu Han got mad after Jongdae didn’t get him off or ignored him or whatever. “If you’re pissed because I fucked other people and not you-“ he begins but Lu Han cuts him off with a sudden step forward.

“I don’t give a damn who you fuck,” he snarls, and his eyes flash before he grimaces and takes a step back, shaking his head. “No, I take that back. I do care.” His face pinches and he turns to the side, away. “This wouldn’t be such a punch in the gut if I didn’t care.” He opens his eyes and when he looks at Jongdae, Lu Han’s eyes aren’t closed, they’re blocked and hard and empty. “I just don’t care that I wasn’t one of them.”

Yixing looks scared now, staring at Lu Han like he’s putting together the pieces of a puzzle that he’s only just realized he’s doing. Jongdae wants to tell Lu Han no, that this isn’t what Lu Han sees, but the wise part of him (that sounds horribly like Chanyeol), tells him that’s a bad idea.

“It’s not like I was actually in love with them-“ Jongdae begins, trying to pull this back in the direction he needs it to go. Yixing gives him a strange look now that borders on the verbal equivalent of ‘excuse me?’

“Are you kidding me?” Lu Han scoffs, voice low and words under his breath as he steps back, a humorless smile on his face as he looks at Yixing.

“-and I didn’t fuck them because I was in love with them.” Yixing is now giving him a slightly soured look, but just looks a confused rather than insulted. Jongdae pushes on, hoping Lu Han would just listen, and understand that this is different. “I just hoped I would be.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Lu Han asks, and Jongdae is pretty sure he’s half asking him and half making a rhetorical question.

“I am!” Jongdae defends, wanting to grab Lu Han, be the one pushing into his space for once. He would, if he didn’t think Lu Han might hit him. “I’m trying to say I want to have sex with you because I want to be with you.”

That came out wrong, but it didn’t, and Jongdae doesn’t really want to take it back when it was true. He wants to be with Lu Han, he realizes that now, and he wants it in all manners.

Lu Han doesn’t look pleased though, instead the opposite. “This was never about sex, Jongdae!” he yells, actually yells, and even Yixing flinches now as Lu Han’s voice cracks. He steps forward, as if to advance, and then stops, freezing before he looks away. Again. “You know what, you were right,” he says, voice suddenly quiet after his outburst and tight. “Maybe we can’t be soul mates.”

No. No, that’s the exact opposite of what Jongdae is saying right now. “Lu Han,” he says, voice getting firmer as his own irritation grows. Lu Han isn’t listening. “You’re not listening to me. I want to be with you.”

“No,” Lu Han is stepping back now, jaw clenching as his shoulders tighten. “I am listening to you.” It’s so cold, the distance Lu Han has put between them too big and Jongdae feels like even as he tries to make it smaller, it keeps getting bigger. “I’m finally listening to how you only care about what you want and not what others want, what they feel, and it doesn’t matter if I loved you regardless of if we had sex or not, because I don’t matter to you. That’s it.”

This is not at all how it’s supposed to be. Jongdae never wanted this. It’s been a rough time getting here, but this is the point where things should get better, not worse. “Lu Han,” he says, and puts as much into his name as he can, willing Lu Han to look at him in anything but borderline hate.

“Lu Han,” Yixing says, carefully, like he’s worried if he speaks too loudly Lu Han will fall apart. Jongdae is pretty sure Lu Han will punch something before he breaks down though. “Maybe you should-“

“No!” Lu Han yells, stepping back further, as if burned. He closes his eyes, face pinching and Jongdae wants to reach out and comfort him for once. Even Yixing flinched when Lu Han yelled, and looks at his friend with pity, as if he wants to comfort him. “Fuck you, Jongdae,” Lu Han says in almost a whisper, turning further and raising a hand to push his hair off his face. He lets out a long shaking breath as words stick in Jongdae’s throat. “I’m not playing this game anymore.” His face twists hard. “Fuck you.”

Lu Han takes another step back, small, but enough that Jongdae feels a surge of fear, mixed with desperation and frustration. He’s trying here and he keeps hitting walls that Lu Han is throwing up. “But I want to make this work!” he half yells, because he does.

And if Lu Han could only-

“Exactly, Jongdae!” Lu Han is yelling now, eyes opening to fire as his hand cuts through the air angrily. “You want to because it’s always about you. It’s only about you and I’m tired of waiting for when it’ll be about me, or us, and when you’ll think of someone else instead of your own stupid wants.”

“I’m trying!” Jongdae says, sounding pathetic even to his own ears, Lu Han’s words biting into him and making him hurt, all over. That isn’t true. Jongdae…

“No, you’re not,” Lu Han hisses out between clenched teeth before he pulls back. Back and away and out of reach of Jongdae’s hands and words. “And if you are, it’s definitely not hard enough.”

That has a curl of anger rise in his chest, because Jongdae is trying. “Fine,” he snaps back, his own fists clenching. “Then what do you want me to do, Lu Han?”

Lu Han finally looks at him, full in the face, and his mouth is set in a thin unforgiving line. “Leave me the fuck alone,” he says, low and serious.

“I don’t want to!” Jongdae growls back. If Lu Han had been listening, he would know that, but apparently-

“Well, too fucking bad!” Lu Han yells, and steps back once, twice. “For once think of what I want instead of what you want, and leave me alone.” Without another word, he turns, not even looking at Yixing as he walks swiftly away, shoulders tight and steps hard.

And it’s everything Jongdae didn’t want to have happen, making to go after him, follow him and make him stay even if he’s pretty sure if he touches Lu Han he’ll get punched. “Just-“ barely gets out of his mouth before Yixing is grabbing him and holding him.

“Let him be,” Yixing says, shaking his head as Jongdae struggles for a moment. “Really, don’t talk to him right now. I don't think it would do either of you any favors.” He smiles a little bit when Jongdae stops trying to fight him and sags, watching Lu Han’s back get farther down the street, Lu Han shaking his head violently a few times.

“So,” Yixing says, letting go after a moment of making sure Jongdae isn’t going to try to make a break for it. “You’re Lu Han’s soul mate hard love baby.”

Jongdae cringes. “I really hope that’s not what he actually calls me,” he says, sighing before running a hand through his hair. His heart is beating in his chest like a sad feebly defeated bunny.

Yixing laughs, and it’s still a nice sound, still handsome when he smiles. Despite the circumstances, it is kind of nice to see him again. Yixing is a good guy, even if he wasn’t the guy for Jongdae.

“No, that’s what Sehun calls you,” Yixing says, his eyes lighting up as he smiles at him.

“Oh, well, that’s a relief,” Jongdae says, nodding a bit. “Who is he?”

“My soul mate, actually,” Yixing says, sounding slightly bemused and casual even as his smile turns up with a tinge of mischief.

Oh.

“I met him when we were dating actually, and he’s known Lu Han for a while.” Yixing is still smiling as he speaks, looking at Jongdae like he doesn’t care they used to date and Jongdae broke up with him after fucking. Definitely not the best move. “He doesn't like you, by the way.”

Jongdae’s stomach plummets. “Lu Han?”

Yixing laughs again. “No, Sehun.” He lets out another laugh. “Lu Han is kind of crazy about you.” A small quiver of hope rises in Jongdae’s chest. “Except now I think he wants you dead.” The quiver had as disappointingly short life span. “Just not permanently.”

“Of course,” Jongdae says, choosing not to argue with the way Yixing talks. He stopped a long time ago, knowing that sometimes Yixing just says things even he doesn’t quite understand. It’s best to just let him continue, lest everyone get confused.

“But you should give him some space,” Yixing says, looking a bit more serious. “I don’t think he’ll be ready to talk to you for a bit.”

“How long is a bit?” Jongdae asks tentatively, looking back after where Lu Han had stormed off.

“Probably less than a year,” Yixing says, and smiles at him like this is actually great news.

Unsurprisingly, Jongdae doesn’t find it so easy to smile back.


๑


Before, when Jongdae had tried to call Lu Han after the ‘movie day altercation’, Lu Han had simply not answered his phone. This time, when Jongdae tries to call him, he gets met with either nothing, an answer and immediate hang up, and, on lucky occasion, Lu Han telling him “Fuck off” before ending the call before Jongdae can say anything.

Sitting during his lunch at work, Jongdae sighs after trying to call Lu Han three times and runs his hands over his face, trying to push down the tired lines around his eyes and the ache in his throat and heart. When his phone rings, Jongdae grabs it and answers with embarrassing desperation.

“Lu Han?” he blurts out, not caring that a few of his officemates look up with skeptical expressions.

“No, sorry,” answers back and Jongdae sags again, holding in the groan that threatens to crawl up his throat and flop into the receiver morosely. “He’s not really up to taking calls right now.” Minseok at least sounds a little apologetic. “Well, your calls.”

“Glad to know I’ve garnered a special status,” Jongdae grumbles, leaning on the table as he holds back a long heaving sigh.

“He’s pretty pissed at you,” Minseok tells him.

“That’s surprising, I hadn’t noticed,” Jongdae says, feeling dry and derisive and distaining of most bad news. Minseok doesn't think he’s funny. Jongdae doesn't think he’s funny either. “What are my chances of getting him to talk to me?”

“Pretty low,” Minseok tells him, and he sounds honest. “Definitely low, considering all his friends are pissed at you.”

“Including you?” Jongdae asks, trying to keep light but his stomach twists. Minseok is Lu Han’s roommate and best friend.

“Yes, including me,” Minseok tells him, and there isn’t any lightness in his voice. “He’s pretty miserable right now. I don’t like seeing him like this. And you did that.” There is a pause where Jongdae feels vaguely threatened. “I don’t like people who hurt my friends.”

“So you called me to warn me?” Jongdae tries, feeling a bit nervous on the phone. If all of Lu Han’s friends are pissed at him, sans Yixing, then Jongdae is going to have a hard time.

“No,” Minseok replies. “I called to tell you Lu Han doesn’t want to talk to you, or see you, or have anything to do with you. I called to tell you that you fucked up, and to make sure you get that right now you’re just making things worse.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Jongdae hasn’t been in this situation before. He’s not exactly sure how to apologize to someone or fix things when they won’t talk to him.

“Figure it out,” Minseok says. “And make yourself something that he deserves.”

The line clicks as Jongdae’s mouth opens in indignation to protest, and his strangled garble of a rebuttal is given to a dial tone.

Jongdae almost considers going to see Lu Han in person again, but the memory of Yixing’s expression and the echo of Minseok’s words have him sighing and putting his face on the break room table again instead.


๑


The thing is, without Lu Han, Jongdae has a lot of free time he never thought about before. Granted, now that he’s also not juggling two jobs and whatever else it was to be busy with before, he has more free time as well, but those don’t feel so much like empty spaces in his life. When it got like this, Jongdae isn’t exactly sure, but sitting around and realizing all the time he had been spending with Lu Han that he isn’t now makes him even more aware of Lu Han’s absence.

Lu Han still isn’t answering his phone calls, and Jongdae still isn’t any closer to figuring out how to find him and tell him he’s sorry when he isn’t sure exactly what he should be sorry for.

“Are you serious?” Baekhyun asks him before shaking his head and getting up, leaving Jongdae in the sitting space with Zitao as he frowns.

“What do you mean am I serious?” Jongdae asks, frowning as he looks after his best friend. “I was talking to you right before it happened. You know that wasn’t my fault!”

“Your fault?” Zitao scoffs, now frowning too. Both he and Baekhyun have been frowning at him since he came over today and Jongdae feels very targeted. “Of course it’s your goddamn fault. You slept with his best friend.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jongdae argues, frowning as well. “I never met Yixing’s friends and Lu Han never mentioned him before. How was I supposed to know? Besides, my thing with Yixing is in the past.”

Zitao is frowning too now, and he scoffs and turns away when Jongdae finishes only to look at Baekhyun with a sort of ‘can you believe this shit?’ expression that has Jongdae bristling. “I’m not a bad person!”

“I didn’t say you were,” Baekhyun replies. “Jongdae, I’ve never once have said you were a bad person for doing what you were doing.” Baekhyun is being serious, and it’s weird, considering usually it’s Kyungsoo who does the serious talks. Kyungsoo is currently late though, something to do with Chanyeol and Jongdae is sitting with Baekhyun and Zitao and feeling frustrated. “You just kind of have a habit of fucking things up.”

“I’m not trying to screw this up,” Jongdae protests. “I’m trying to make this work. Look, before I met Lu Han, I was trying to find my soul mate. Then Lu Han showed up, and we were soul mates but it was wrong. But I realized I didn’t understand that he’s perfect for me, and now when I try to tell him that, he’s angry.”

Zitao’s frown is even worse now. Baekhyun just sighs and pulls his hand through his hair, sitting down beside Zitao with a grunt. “We get that Lu Han is angry. You’ve said it like twelve times.”

“How am I even supposed to fix things if he wont talk to me?” Jongdae asks. “He told me to leave him alone and it’s kind of hard to talk someone around when they refuse to even listen.”

“Do you even know what you’re going to say?” Zitao asks, as a knock sounds on the door and Baekyun gets up to answer it.

“To Lu Han?”

“Of course to Lu Han,” Zitao snaps. “Do you even know why he’s really upset? Why he’s pissed at you? Honestly, if I were him, I’d be pissed to.”

“For what?” Jongdae is exasperated. He’s been talking himself and others in circles, trying to call Lu Han and tell him he’s sorry so they can just move past this. “Why is he so angry with me? Yeah, I dated people before we met, but it’s not like I’ve been sleeping with them since. I’ve been dating Lu Han and together with Lu Han and giving this a shot. He’s the one refusing right now.”

“Seriously?” Kyungsoo asks, already looking disapproving as he walks in. “You don’t know why Lu Han is pissed and you’re trying to apologize to him?”

“It’s not like he isn’t at fault too,” Jongdae points out, thinking of how Lu Han hadn’t listened, still won’t listen. If only he’d answer and talkto him, maybe Jongdae would understand.

“His fault,” Zitao scoffs, and stands a moment later, shaking his head. “According to you, it’s almost always his fault.”

“It’s not!” Jongdae doesn't feel helped, he just feels lost and terrible. “It’s not always his fault. It’s not his fault that I didn’t get it for a while, but now I do get it. And I’m trying to tell him that I get that he’s perfect for me, that we should be together.”

“So you’re going to just tell him that?” Chanyeol asks, following Kyungsoo into the living area. He looks exhausted, and Kyungsoo ends up pushing him into the sofa with a furrow to his brow. “Just tell him you've come to the stunning revelation that you should be together and that’s that?”

“Yes.” Jongdae wants to wince as soon as he says it, because while that is kind of the case, he feels like it’s wrong. It’s all been kind of wrong since Lu Han stopped talking to him, and since he can’t get the words right. “I mean, no, but-“

“You know what,” Zitao says, standing up and looking down at him with a severe frown. “You don’t really deserve someone perfect, for all your clamor and projecting, Jongdae,” he says and it stings. “Because you’re kind of a piece of shit.”

“What did I do?” Jongdae demands almost desperately as Zitao walks, looking pissed and fed up, Baekhyun sighing and shaking his head. “Why is it always my fault.”

“Because it is your fault most of the time,” Baekhyun tells him, and he sounds tired, drawn as he follows Zitao down the hall leading to their bedroom.

“What did I say?” Jongdae asks, flabbergasted as he looks at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

“A lot, honestly,” Chanyeol says, giving him a sympathetic look. “And not enough.”

“It’s kind of a trend with you,” Kyungsoo tells him, and he sighs. He leans into Chanyeol when Chanyeol wraps an arm around him, a small faint smile ghosting before it’s gone and he just looks tired. “We’ve gotten used to it.”

“I thought I was doing something right,” Jongdae says. He’s so confused. Tired and confused are not fun, and Jongdae is discovering he really doesn’t do well with rejection, especially when he feels so drawn to Lu Han right now it’s making him sick. He can count the hours he slept last night on one hand. He doesn’t even use all the fingers.

“Well, you kind of were,” Chanyeol admits. “But you also went about it in a bad way. Then you had bad timing, and Lu Han got to see a part of you that definitely didn’t help things.”

“The side of me that slept with people?” Jongdae looks at Chanyeol with a raised brow. “I hardly think knowing I’m open to sex is a bad thing.”

“Him knowing you’ve had sex before doesn’t draw into it,” Kyungsoo grunts. “It’s the fact that you’ve literally been pushing him away since he met you and he just found out that he’s the exception to your ‘please have me’ rule of courtship.”

“I do not act like that.” Jongdae swallows down to a writhing stomach.

“You kind of do,” Chanyeol tells him, with a pained but supposedly sympathetic smile. “And until Lu Han, you haven’t really cared about the other part of the relationship.”

“Yes, I have,” Jongdae argues. They don’t know him, they don’t know what he felt or believed or how Lu Han is actually different. It makes him feel guilty, and he has enough making him feel bad right now.

“Okay, let me rephrase,” Chanyeol says. “You cared about the person you thought they were, how they ‘fit’ you because they fit the picture of perfect you latched onto.”

“But I know the difference now.”

“Which is good,” Kyungsoo says. “Because now you can try to find out all the things you are doing wrong with that old mentality.”

“Lu Han is angry-“

“No shit.” Jongdae doesn’t really know how else to explain Lu Han right now aside from ‘angry’.

“- but he’s also hurt,” Chanyeol continues, like Jongdae hadn’t rudely interrupted him. “You haven’t exactly made this easy for him Jongdae, and finding out the reason why definitely would be a blow for him, especially when he’s been trying so hard.”

“He’s…”

Lu Han always showing up and surprising him, taking on dates, and not getting too close when he found out it bothered Jongdae. Lu Han and his soft smiles, patience, his teasing and how he listened and didn’t change for Jongdae, just worked with him and how once Jongdae let himself, how easy it was for him to fall into comfort with him, how Lu Han let him in. How he knows Lu Han’s secrets now, his fears and his flaws and how Jongdae still was so quickly falling in love with him anyway.

The way Jongdae misses him, not just because they were intimate, because they haven’t been, not really, and especially not by Jongdae’s usual speeds. It felt better to go slow though, the build up between touches and how last time, Lu Han never made him do anything he didn’t want. Something about that, where he knows how Lu Han isn’t perfect but fell for him anyway, feels so different.

“He’s never expected me to be perfect,” Jongdae says, sitting back and feeling heavy.

“You’re very far from perfect,” Kyungsoo tells him, though it is with affection rather than malice. “He just found out, in probably the hardest way possible.

“Like ripping off a band-aid,” Chanyeol adds with a nod. “Made of ducktape. So it really fucking hurt when it got ripped off.”

“So I have to apologize for not being perfect?” Jongdae is pretty sure there is something wrong with that picture.

“No,” Chanyeol says and almost looks like he wants to laugh. It’s hard to tell, because Chanyeol’s laughing face is also his potentially in pain face. “But now you have to figure out what you do have to apologize for.”

“We can’t do everything for you,” Kyungsoo tells him. “We have enough to deal with already.”

“Says the perfect couple,” Jongdae grunts, curling up on the couch. He’s exhausted, and the sigh Chanyeol lets out mirrors how he feels. “Why can’t I have it easy, too?”

“I think the only person not making it easy is actually you,” Kyungsoo says, and Jongdae presses his eyes closed to block out for just a moment. Block out how this would all have been easier if he’d never built up those expectations at all, and if maybe Lu Han had never spilled coffee on him in the first place.


๑


It’s been over a week since Jongdae last saw Lu Han, and over two weeks since Jongdae saw Lu Han and neither of them was upset. It’s been a really long time since Jongdae got to spend time with him, see him and joke and tease and just have him there and Jongdae has discovered that he really, really misses him.

“I didn’t realize how bad this would be,” Jongdae sighs, curled up in the squishy armchair and tugging at his shirt cuff.

“Yeah, well you two were always around each other,” Soojung says, sipping carefully from her tea cup. “When it was you playing ‘hard to get’ he was always trying to see you and then once you stopped being a dickhead, it was almost like you saw each other daily.” Jongdae lolls to look at her, all pretty and dressed up as he sits across from her at this nice café in the shirt he went to bed in last night. “You really made a mess of this for yourself. I had hopes for once.”

“For once?” Jongdae asks, as she takes a bite of cake and looks so nice eating. Lu Han looks horrible when he eats, because mostly he does it to consume whereas Soojung is aware of not looking like a starving human. “Is your faith in me that low?”

“Yes,” Soojung says bluntly and Jongdae relents as she arches a perfect brow at him. “But I can see you are suffering now.” She smiles.

“You’re pleased,” Jongdae observes.

“You kind of asked for it,” Soojung tells him with a shrug. “But I’m glad that you care so much about him. I’m glad he cares so much about you, too. You wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he didn’t. You’d never be feeling like this if he hadn’t tried so hard.”

“Now I feel more like an asshole,” Jongdae sighs. It’s like every person in his life has made it their mission to tell him he’s a jerk. This never happened before, the other dates and people he got involved with just passing by and some small smiles, but nothing where he called out as a dick bag.

“Good,” Soojung says, smiling more now. “You should. But you should also try to think about what you actually feel now that you have some space because Lu Han doesn’t want to see or talk to you.”

“I feel miserable,” Jongdae surmises simply.

“Because you’re in love with him?”

“Because.” That’s not why. “Because.” Jongdae frowns, the real answer somewhere just out of his grasp. “Because I don’t like being this way.”

That has Soojung raising both of her eyebrows. “What way?” she asks slowly, setting down her teacup.

“I don’t know,” Jongdae sighs, finally sitting up and taking his own now lukewarm tea. “The kind of person who thinks only of himself and screws up things without seeing their worth.”

“Kind of like how you’re not messing up with your job?” Soojung asks, and Jongdae pauses.

“Yeah,” he says, slowly. The job where he’s almost through the two month trial period before he’s an official employee, given certain stability. The job that Lu Han helped him initially get and which he’s actually focusing on. Trying hard in. “Kind of like that.”

“Lu Han isn’t a job though,” Soojung tells him, a small smile on her lips as she takes another sip of tea. “But think of how your mind changed with your job, your life, and what it means.”

“That I grew up?” Jongdae suggests.

“More like you found a reason to try.” Soojung puts down her teacup. “I’m not saying you never tried before, but you’ve always had expectations of things in your life. I feel like you started over with this new job, forgetting what you thought you should have and actually focused. Expectations aren’t bad, but with you, they’re a mixed bag.”

“So I shouldn’t expect things,” Jongdae frowns at her.

“Well, if you go about it like that, you should probably expect to be smacked,” Soojung informs him. “Just think about yourself, what you actually feel, and what’s important to you. Why is Lu Han important to you?”

“He’s my soul mate,” Jongdae answers, feeling confused but somehow relieved.

“Aside from that,” Soojung waves off. “Sure, he’s your soul mate, but that’s not the reason you love him. And it’s not the reason he loves you.” Sitting back, she smiles, almost fondly at him like he’s a silly kid just learning about crushes.

Why is Jongdae in love with Lu Han?

That rolls around in Jongdae’s mind for the rest of the early afternoon, after saying goodbye to Soojung and leaving to go poke around the bookshop downtown. He kind of misses working here a little, the feel of the books and the quiet so different from when he’s in the bustle of Twined Pendulums Music. He smiles though, because while he has many memories of all the jobs he used to work, he’s happy where he is now.

His mind is turning over things about Lu Han that crop up as he pulls over why his heart does things regarding him when his phone quacks. Quickly checking the message, he tries not to feel disappointed when he sees a message from Yixing rather than Lu Han.

Yixing: 3:27 – Hey. Are you busy this afternoon?

Jongdae types back a brief vague ‘not really?’ before wandering back into the sunlight.

His phone quacks again.

Yixing: 3:29 – Good. Do you think you can come chat for a minute?

Jongdae frowns at his phone, staring at the message and wondering where exactly he’s supposed to go. Yixing’s apartment seems like a terrible idea considering Yixing is supposedly happy with his soul mate who apparently doesn't like Jongdae. He looks up though, and his answer is given to him when he sees Yixing waving at him from the small deli across the street.

Yixing smiles when Jongdae walks in and towards him. The taller man with intense facial structure and hardcore eyebrow game beside him doesn't smile as much as stare at him, and Jongdae assumes this might be a good time to be polite.

“What’s up?” Jongdae asks, after waiting for Yixing to introduce his companion and being left disappointed.

“I just haven’t seen you in a while,” Yixing says as his companion sits and stares at Jongdae and doesn’t smile. In fact, he looks rather pissed. “I wanted to catch up. We didn’t really get a chance to when I ran into you before. You know, because of how you and Lu Han-“

“Yeah,” Jongdae cuts him off, watching how Yixing shrugs apologetically and his friend looks even less happy that he’s alive. “Yeah, not a lot of time to catch up with all that. Not really a great reunion.”

“No,” says Yixing’s friend, a very low voice coming out of his mouth and Jongdae swallows at how serious he looks. “Definitely not a great reunion.”

Jongdae swallows, half tempted to back away slowly as the other man stares him down.

“Oh, sorry,” Yixing says, and laughs. “I forgot to introduce you. Jongdae, this is Sehun. He’s my soul mate actually. Sehun, this is-“

“I know who he is,” Sehun says, and he’s frowning now. It’s much more unnerving than just staring, seeing as he genuinely looks displeased that Jongdae is here, alive, and breathing. “You don’t need to tell me who he is.”

Sehun looks angry. Jongdae faintly remembers Lu Han mentioning that Yixing and Jongdae had been dating when Sehun and Yixing supposedly met. Jongdae doesn't remember seeing Sehun ever, but recalling that Yixing waved it off as unimportant in passing, Jongdae hadn’t thought it was a big deal.

Judging from the look on Sehun’s face though, he might actually consider it a big deal. It may also contribute to how he looks ready to glare him to death, or hit him, depending on what that scowl indicates.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, and tries not to say something like ‘I see you’ve got your face stuck, that’s unfortunate’ and instead smiles politely. “Nice to meet you.”

“Can’t say the same,” Sehun says and Yixing looks a bit wilted as he glances between them. “I‘m sorry, but your reputation precedes you a bit, Jongdae.”

“I hope you aren’t disappointed,” Jongdae tries for lightness. It falls as flat as Sehun’s face and Yixing even winces. “I’m also not here to have people pissed at me,” he adds, stepping back a bit. “I have enough of those at the moment, so if you’ll excuse me.” Jongdae already has Lu Han angry with him, he doesn’t need Yixing’s actual soul mate pissed at him too and shoved in his face because Jongdae supposedly fucked up their meeting.

“Actually, we wanted to talk to you,” Yixing rushes to say, reaching out to grab his arm.

“Really? I thought you were glaring at me and making rude remarks,” Jongdae says, looking directly at Sehun. “Look, I’m sorry that I apparently fucked up how you two met, but you obviously found each other again and-“

“I don’t dislike you because you broke up with Yixing in a shitty way,” Sehun interrupts him, eyes widening a bit as he glances at Yixing. “Frankly, I’m glad you dumped him, because then we got to be together. I’m don’t like you because you’ve hurt my best friend, and watching Lu Han hurt is pretty pathetic.”

Jongdae frowns. “I thought Minseok was Lu Han’s best friend,” Jongdae says, feeling slow and also wary because Sehun looks like he’d crush him right now and not feel a smidgeon of remorse.

“Yeah, well, apparently you fuck up a lot of things and get them wrong,” Sehun snarks back and rolls his eyes in a manner that suggests Jongdae breathing exasperates him.

“So you’re here to make me feel bad about what’s going on with Lu Han and me?” Jongdae retorts. He can feel his irritation bubbling under his skin. “To make me feel like shit? You don’t have to, okay, I already do.” It’s probably a bit overstepping, but Jongdae really does feel bad, and he’s got enough to deal with having his own friends on him about fixing things.

“No,” Yixing says, and somehow still looks sympathetic even as Sehun looks entirely unforgiving beside him. “Not exactly.”
“Well, a little,” Sehun says and when he looks at Yixing, Jongdae can see his eyes soften a bit. It hurts, because Jongdae is immediately reminded of Lu Han, how his eyes would soften, and he misses it. He misses him. “But mostly I wanted to tell you that he’s miserable.”

“Great,” Jongdae replies. He doesn’t want to think about it, though he can’t stop thinking about it. “Thanks for that. Really helpful.”

“Jongdae, wait,” Yixing says, tugging at his wrist and Jongdae just wants to leave. He doesn’t want to keep being reminded that this is his fault, how he has to fix something he’s still working out and how his feelings are complicated and Lu Han is angry at him. He just wants to breathe.

“Why?” Jongdae asks, turning sharply to them both. “So you can remind me that it’s my fault?”

“I don’t like seeing Lu Han hurt any more than you probably like causing it,” Sehun says and the bite in his voice isn’t what catches Jongdae to pause, it’s the concern. “He’s miserable, and unhappy and sighing and it’s terrible and it’s because of you.” Sehun closes his eyes and breathes out, tongue poking out to wet his lips as he apparently controls himself. “So we’re asking you to do something about it, because I hate seeing him like this.”

Up until that last point, Jongdae may have felt a little less caustic, but when Sehun opens his eyes and looks at him like he’s just told him the answer to everything, he stiffens. “And you think I do? Fuck, I haven’t even been able to see him, and I don't know what is worse right now. Not seeing him or seeing him and actually knowing.” he snaps back. “It’s not like I haven’t been trying to contact him. He’s the one ignoring me and refusing to talk to me.”

“You keep calling him during his work shifts,” Sehun snaps back, looking annoyed again. “What do you expect? Of course he’s going to ignore you. Do you even understand why he’s hurt?”

Jongdae wants to say yes, because he does have kind of an idea as to why, but he can’t really because there is still a part of him that doesn’t know.

“Sit down,” Yixing tells Jongdae, looking far more patient than Sehun as he pulls out a chair for Jongdae and offers it to him with a smile. Glancing at Sehun to see if he’ll be rabid about his boyfriend being overly courteous to him, Jongdae carefully takes the seat. “I promise we’re not here to make you miserable.”

“You’ve already done that for us,” Sehun says and smiles. It’s such a dramatic change from his previous facial expressions Jongdae isn’t quite sure how to react.

“So what are you here for?” Jongdae asks, looking between the two of them.

“Lu Han is miserable,” Sehun says. “We want to make him not miserable. And the best way to do that-“

“Is to help you,” Yixing finishes with a look to Jongdae.

Jongdae sits and stares at them, feeling a little numb.

“You fucked up,” Sehun says, and tilts his head as if in further judging assessment of Jongdae. “Really bad. So I’m here to tell you how bad-“

“And to help you understand what to do,” Yixing adds.

It’s strange, watching them talk together, like Sehun is one edge and Yixing pulls at it a little bit. It’s like they’re a push and pull, Sehun more direct and flat facts and Yixing revealing with just a turn that what Sehun is saying isn’t entirely malicious. “Okay,” he says, looking between them both.

Jongdae for as long as he can remember had an idea of a soul mate, someone he would be with and focused on that, only that really, for most of his life. He built up an idea of them, held people against it, and in the end began looking for people who fit that mold. People like Yixing.

Lu Han, as Sehun explains, is the opposite. Lu Han grew up not caring about finding the perfect one, but rather focusing on what he thought was important. He tried hard in school, in sports, in extra activities and focused on his friends. Lu Han dated a few people before, but never forced feelings. Lu Han was patient, and just kept in mind that he’d meet his soul mate, and he’d either fall in love with them and make it work, or he wouldn’t.

“And then he met me,” Jongdae says after Sehun explains a few things, about how Lu Han would tease him when Sehun got upset over how their other friends had love and he didn’t, telling him not to worry.

“Then he met you,” Sehun nods, and sighs. “In one way, it was better how you two met, because you never really tried to act like someone you aren’t. Lu Han gets frustrated and annoyed, but he likes challenges and when he has something he likes or wants, he fights for it. Really, really hard. It’s a bit like a contest, and you gave him that.”

The weeks of Lu Han trying, of learning about him and Jongdae giving in bit by bit. It was like a game, and Jongdae never realized he was playing it. Thinking back now though, he remembers how Lu Han’s eyes would light up when he moved forward with him, or how he’d smile when he did something to fluster Jongdae.

“He kind of saw me at my worst,” Jongdae sighs, eye catching his wrist and remembering when it had always had a line to show he was waiting.

“No,” Yixing says. “Never at your worst, but he definitely knew you and he was definitely honest about himself. Which is rare.”

“What do you mean?” Jongdae frowns.

“Lu Han doesn’t like to let too many people in,” Sehun explains after exchanging a brief look with Yixing. “He likes to keep a distance with some people, keep them guessing but also to keep himself safe. He didn’t really do that with you. It scared him, a lot.”

“He thought for a period that you really might have been right,” Yixing says quietly. “About not being soul mates, and it being an exception. He almost just stopped.”

The night of their dinner floats to Jongdae’s mind, when Lu Han had looked so closed off and shut down, pulling away and a fake plastic smile slipping over his features. It felt so wrong, and Jongdae fidgets as he thinks of Lu Han doing that to others. Of what it means that Jongdae never saw it.

“The problem is that you never really held back,” Sehun says, and presses his lips together as he looks at Yixing.

The reality is that Jongdae never really showed anything but himself, not caring to try to make a good impression and instead just brushing things off. Apparently, instead of deterring Lu Han like he’d initially thought, Lu Han hadn’t seen it as a bad thing. “Lu Han fell in love with you,” Yixing tells him. “Not an idea of you, because you never really gave him a false idea in the first place.”

“He’s still under ‘coffee pervert’ in my phone,” Jongdae admits absently, the thought playing through his mind and out of his mouth before he thinks it through.

“Charming,” Sehun says, wincing.

What broke is that Lu Han was afraid that while he knew how he felt about Jongdae, never had any reason to question it or be upset about it, he knew it wasn’t necessarily mutual.

“But it is mutual,” Jongdae rushes to say and Yixing shushes him.

“Is it?” Sehun goads. “Because nothing you’ve really done or said or shown him would never tell him that.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Go apologize with flowers?” Jongdae asks, feeling tired and wrung out. This is grueling enough, and as much as Sehun and Yixing help, it also just shows Jongdae how much he never really paid attention to Lu Han and learned about him.

“Definitely not his style,” Sehun says, and something about his mouth suggests a smile but Jongdae isn’t sure. “Also, don't go with chocolates. He’s too much of a health nut and not enough of a romantic.”

“I wasn’t being serious,” Jongdae says, feeling a little lost that Sehun is now outright holding down laughter. “About the flowers, I mean.”

“Good, don't do flowers,” Sehun says and the sudden dramatic shift from ‘almost giggling’ to ‘serious with some attitude’ has Jongdae side eyeing Yixing in confirmation this is real. Yixing is currently busy smiling at Sehun in affectionate amusement. “But yeah, go and apologize. Lu Han doesn’t like talking about his feelings-“

“Most of the time,” Yixing adds helpfully.

“- but if you two don’t work this out, I’m going to have to listen to him sigh at me for the next who knows how long. And I can’t take much more of it.” Sehun finishes with a sigh of his own. Then, to Jongdae’s disbelieving eyes, he leans over and rests his head on Yixing’s shoulder, as if greatly fatigued by the ordeal of discussing things at length with Jongdae.

“I’ll do my best,” Jongdae tells him. Sehun watches him and scrunches up his nose a bit before he softens as Yixing takes his hand.

“Good,” Sehun says, and nudges Yixing with his head to get him to also look at Jongdae. “You should. From what I’ve heard, it’s about time you did.”


๑


The nice thing about being back in touch with Yixing, is that aside from Sehun’s glowing personality added to his group of friends, he also has far more insight as to how to stalk Lu Han. Granted, Jongdae isn’t especially familiar with stalking, seeing as he typically operates on a far more direct approach, but considering Minseok supposedly is watching for him like an overbearing protective hawk, Jongdae has elected to more ‘crafty’ measures.

“So you’re stalking him in a creepier way,” Amber surmises when she overhears Jongdae on the phone with Yixing.

“It’s not stalking,” Jongdae tells her with a hand over the receiver. “Stalking is malicious. This is loving.”

“That’s what stalkers say,” Amber points out with a significant look and Jongdae frowns rather than argue.

But it is through checking in with Yixing on a causally attentive basis that Jongdae knows Minseok is going to be out on most of Sunday to see his girlfriend, leaving Jongdae the opportunity to try to see Lu Han. Which he does, dressed nicely after Kyungsoo redressed him four times the night prior before just telling him to wear black. Jongdae had wisely refused, knowing that showing up to see Lu Han dressed like he was going to a funeral was probably not wise.

Just out of courtesy, Jongdae did try to call Lu Han about three times this morning, hoping that he’d pick up and Jongdae could do something like warn Lu Han before he came over and sat him down. Or sat on him. Whatever it took to get Lu Han to listen to him and talk to him again. As he stands outside Lu Han’s door feeling his heartbeat in his tongue, he rationalizes Lu Han as good as asked for Jongdae to come and visit him in person.

Just to make sure he wasn’t dead.

Knocking in tandem with the pulse in his ears, Jongdae waits. And then waits more. Knocking again feels rude but he does it anyway, trying to breath through the nerves and anticipation and trying to remember what he has to tell Lu Han. It’s been nice having a little bit of time, and a bit more of clarity. Considering the time between his initial conversation with Yixing and Sehun, Jongdae has had a bit of time to consider how he feels, how Lu Han may feel, and has a bit of an idea of what to talk about.

If Lu Han opens the door.

After ten minutes of waiting, Jongdae tries to call again, and as his cell phone is pressed to his ear, knocks again.

“C’mon,” he says without meaning to into the receiver, mind of waiting for the door to open or for Lu Han to pick up or give him something to work with. Currently working with nothing has been extremely frustrating. “Open the door or pick up your phone. C’mon Lu Han, work with me here.”

It might be asking a lot, considering Jongdae himself did a bit of a poor job initially working with Lu Han, and only marginally got better.

A small part of him twists as the phone continues to ring out, wondering if this is how it’s always going to be. If they’re always going to be pushing and pulling each other. Yixing and Sehun were one thing, but he and Lu Han are different. It makes him both excited and anxious and his mind is turning over how if this is how they start, where it goes from there when the door clicks and suddenly swings open, nearly smacking him in the face.

“For Fucks sake, I heard you the first thousand knocks,” growls from a familiar voice that has Jongdae’s heart jumping into his throat.

To put it nicely, Lu Han looks like he just got out of the shower. To put it honestly, Lu Han looks tired and angry and worn, squinting and with his hair untidy and in clearly hastily thrown on clothing. He also looks confused, squinting and blinking for a moment before his eyes widen.

“Hi,” Jongdae wants to say, forcing it past his lips as Lu Han stares at him half hanging out his door and looking like he’s just been rolled through the shower rather than properly taken one. It’s amazing how seeing him even like this, tired and shitty, is definitely a sight for a sore heart. Jongdae wants to say “hi” but instead when he opens his mouth, Lu Han stiffens and his eyes narrow.

“What are you doing here?” comes out low and gruff, Lu Han straightening up and standing at his full height, so he looks down on Jongdae. His grip on the door handle has tightening and Jongdae’s throat tightens with it.

“I wanted to see you,” Jongdae says, as honest and sincere as he can. He wishes, as stupid as he knows it is, he had brought flowers. Flowers are for apologies, and even if Sehun told him no, at least they’d be some sort of defense if Lu Han decided to punch him. Lu Han doesn’t smile at all, instead the corners of his mouth turning down.

“Why?” he asks, and there is a bite to it. “To see if I’m perfect yet? If I can live up to your standards?” Jongdae’s stomach twists, and not in the good nervous perhaps this will work sort of way. “I’m not,” Lu Han continues, his eyes flashing before they close behind another wall. It’s horrible, Jongdae realizes, being so shut out from him. He’d never realized how open Lu Han was with him until he wasn’t. “I thought you decided that a long time ago.”

“I’m not here to see if you’re perfect, Lu Han,” Jongdae says, making sure he’s clear. Because he knows Lu Han isn’t perfect. But he doesn’t need to have Lu Han perfect because Lu Han is kind of perfect in an imperfectly perfect sort of way. Which is what is important. “I’m here to see if you’re still mad at me-“

“I am,” Lu Han cuts him off, voice sharp and glare sharper as he stares down Jongdae. “I am still mad at you and I don’t really want to be reminded of why.”

“I’m not here to remind you,” Jongdae begins, wishing he had cue cards or something, because everything he wanted to say is getting jumbled into itself in his head. “I’m here to talk to you. Because I miss you.”

Maybe not the first thing he was supposed to say, but at least it is honest.

“Well that sucks,” Lu Han says, and his voice still cuts. “I don’t really want to talk.”

“What do you want then?” Jongdae asks, because most of the whole ‘fixing things’ depends on them talking.

At that, Lu Han’s mouth closes, pressing into a thin line. “I want to start over,” Lu Han says, and his voice comes out softer than Jongdae expects it. This time, when Jongdae looks at him and matches his gaze, he can see the flicker of pain behind Lu Han’s eyes.

The worst feeling in the world, Jongdae discovers, is not having his heart broken or being let down or disappointed. The worst feeling in the world is seeing the person he loves in pain, and knowing it’s his fault.

“We can’t start over,” Jongdae says, because they can’t. That’s the worst part of this, because it’s been fucked up from the beginning, since they met and Jongdae hated him before he ever gave him a chance. “We can only keep going forward.”

Lu Han’s face wrinkles up in a grimace, his messy hair giving him a sloppy unkempt look and Jongdae still wants to reach forward and run his fingers through it. “I’m tired of fighting to go forward,” Lu Han tells him, and his eyes drop.

“Are you giving up on me?” Jongdae asks before he can stop himself and Lu Han looks back up at him sharply. His eyes are no longer dulled and shut down, they’re angry.

Damnit.

“I’m giving up?” Lu Han asks, his voice heated. “Sure, Jongdae. I’m giving up. I’m frustrated and mad and I don’t want to talk to you because I’m sick of bullshit.”

“I am not trying to feed you bullshit,” Jongdae interjects, wanting to gesture and push his way into the apartment that Lu Han looks about to shut him out of. “I never really fed you bullshit.”

“Didn’t you?” Lu Han’s glare is extremely hard. “Or was the whole thing about how you had been waiting and wanted to take things slow just a show. A game to you. This isn’t a game, these are real feelings and real people you’re fucking around with.”

“I am not trying to fuck with your feelings, Lu Han,” Jongdae retorts, a bit louder as his frustration mounts. “It’s not a game, and I’m not laughing. But it is a game, I just want to stop playing because right now I’m losing.”

“Well, that must suck for you,” Lu Han spits, jerking back. “Have fun dealing with losing for once.” Before Jongdae can open his mouth and tell him that’s not what he meant though he isn’t sure what he meant now, the door slams shut and Lu Han is gone.

It is highly unlikely that Jongdae knocking on the door will get Lu Han to open it again, and even less likely he’ll answer the phone if Jongdae calls. Jongdae spends a few moments in the hall getting his own temper under control, keeping from yelling in exasperation and yelling at Lu Han through his door. It certainly wouldn’t help things.

Neither would slumping against the door and sliding down it to sprawl uselessly on the floor. Jongdae does it anyway, pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts, trying to figure out who to call.

“Why are you here?” startles Jongdae out of switching between Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s names of who is better to call at the moment. Looking up, he sees Minseok standing hand in hand with a woman Jongdae doesn't know, both of them holding coffees and staring at him in perplexity.

Sighing, Jongdae lets his phone drop to his lap. “I wanted to see Lu Han.”

Minseok’s expression darkens. “Jongdae,” he says, and then closes his eyes, letting out a sigh that Jongdae hadn’t been expecting. “Go home.”


๑


It takes about four days before Jongdae hears anything really. Yixing tries to keep him in the loop, but apparently Minseok caught wind of what he had been doing and isn’t ‘happy.’ Sehun is just annoyed at him, or exasperated, or has given up. Jongdae hasn’t really understood how to read Sehun well enough yet to tell.

The improvement is that Lu Han finally answered one of Jongdae’s many text messages. This ended up being less helpful and progressive though when they got into a conversation that spun in circles and was in the middle of the work day for both of them. What started out as a simple conversation ended up with Jongdae’s phone quacking at him during a meeting with Hyo and ended with something being said wrong and Lu Han leaving the chat with a curt dismissal.

“He’s being a drama queen,” Jongdae had huffed when he handed his phone over to Chanyeol to read through.

“Are you sure you’re not the one being dramatic?” Kyungsoo asked, looking at the messages over Chanyeol’s shoulder and raising a skeptical eyebrow. “He doesn’t sound dramatic in these messages, he sounds upset.”

“I know he’s upset,” Jongdae sighed, hands in his hair and tugging. “I’m also upset. We’re both upset and it’s clearly a bad combination. For future reference, Lu Han and I do not do well when we’re both upset.”

“And you still can’t get in touch with him?” Chanyeol proposed, surrendering the phone to Kyungsoo who heaved a heavy breath before filtering through the rest of the conversation.

Jongdae shook his head. After that and continuing up to the present moment of Jongdae leaving work to try to find something suitable to eat for dinner that wasn’t instant, Lu Han still hasn’t answered Jongdae’s texts.

It has risen to the point that Jongdae almost just wants to give up, and sending messages or trying to call Lu Han has proven so fruitless he hasn’t really done so in a few days. Sure, Lu Han is annoyed at him, but Jongdae is getting annoyed as well. “Why can’t this just blow over?” he muses to himself out loud, walking down the steps to the street and squinting in the dying sun.

It’s not like he’d hold a grudge this long if the situation were switched, right?

Pausing, he glances down at his phone, a new twist in his chest that feels far less comfortable and far more unfamiliar than all the previous had. Pursing his lips, he almost flips it open to send off a message to Lu Han, when it suddenly quacks in his hands. He stares in surprise, almost expecting to see Lu Han’s number, and then frowns when instead it’s an unfamiliar number and no name.

We need to talk. Meet me in the Mexican restaurant you and Lu Han used to go to at 7. – Minseok

Jongdae didn’t think that Lu Han would have told Minseok that they had gone there for dinner. They had, after all, only been there once or four times, but it was more than Jongdae had gone to one of his favorite places with most of the other people he dated. He just never really thought about how Lu Han may have talked about him to his friends, such as Minseok, like Jongdae talked to his friends about Lu Han. Certainly Yixing was an example of Lu Han not talking to his friends, so it is with that feeling of oddity that Jongdae sits in the Mexican place waiting for Minseok and picking at his sleeve cuff.

Minseok is a punctual person, arriving exactly at seven in the evening and looking like he came directly from work. A crisp suit and tie on, he sits down across from Jongdae and looks at him expectantly.

“Do you want dinner?” Jongdae asks after a moment of patient silence and Minseok’s mouth quirks.

“No, just to talk. You can eat if you like, I know you don’t keep the best food at your apartment.” Minseok smiles at him simply.

“How do you know?” Jongdae fires back, the itch under his skin getting to be even worse. He’s only met Minseok a few times and all of those in passing. How Minseok knows anything about his personal life is disconcerting.

“I hear a lot about you,” Minseok says easily. “I always did. I’m better at listening than talking.”

“Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses,” Jongdae says, looking over at the counter. He isn’t sure he truly wants Mexican tonight, but Minseok is right that he doesn’t really have much at home to suffice.

“Yes,” Minseok says, his voice a bit more firm. “They do.”

It sounds like it should be a hint of some sort, a clue that Jongdae is supposed to understand. He doesn't really, but looking back at Minseok he’s sure he’ll find out from the expression on Minseok’s face; a mix between resolution and resignation.

Jongdae doesn’t know Minseok incredibly well, and there’s really not many reasons for him to be here aside from- “How is Lu Han?” Jongdae asks.

“Are you asking because you actually want to know about how he’s doing or because of how it relates to you?” Minseok asks, and Jongdae blinks.

“What?”

Minseok sighs, leaning back a bit in his chair. “I’m here because I’m tired of this stupid dance you two are in. He’s unhappy, you’re obviously unhappy, and you’re being a dip shit about this whole thing.”

“Excuse me,” Jongdae interrupts, bristling a bit at that.

“No, you shut up and listen for once,” Minseok cuts him off easily, a sharp looking having Jongdae snap his mouth closed. “You’re stubborn, which isn’t a bad thing always, but it has been. I’m sick of watching you just hurt him more with the shit you’ve been pulling because you refuse to admit you’re wrong.”

“Wrong about what?” Jongdae asks, the feeling of ice slipping into his stomach. “Wrong about Lu Han.”

“Yes, wrong about Lu Han.” Minseok’s eyes are hard.

That cold begins to spread, and only after swallowing and breathing for a moment does Jongdae find his voice to speak. The possibility of being wrong, about assuming that Lu Han still had feelings or that he could fix things, flashes through his mind. “So, what?” Jongdae frowns, feeling less hungry but more irritated. “I’m just supposed to stop?”

At this, Minseok sighs. “Like you have been?” He holds up a hand when Jongdae opens his mouth to retort. “No, let me finish before you get all defensive. I know you’ve been trying to contact him, but you haven’t been thinking of him when you’d been doing it.”

“And you are an expert on this,” Jongdae retorts. Minseok may be Lu Han’s best friend, but he doesn’t know Jongdae at all, and those are some rude accusations.

“Yeah, I kind of am,” Minseok says and the confidence in his voice is jarring. “Lu Han is pissed at you, enough that he’s really not up for dealing with your shitty attempts at trying to make up. Which have all been self centered and mediocre. You miss him, so you want him back.”

“Of course I want him back,” Jongdae interjects but Minseok frowns at him and it makes him choke on his next remark.

“Exactly,” Minseok says, and his tone is a bit harsher. “You want him back Jongdae, because you miss him and you’re doing things as they work for you. Not for him. Have you ever really thought about how he feels right now?”

“Of course I have,” Jongdae says, because anything else is stupid.

“Really?” Minseok raises an eyebrow slowly and imposingly, as if questioning not only Jongdae’s words, but Jongdae’s existence itself. “You’ve really sat down and thought about Lu Han, how he feels, and put yourself in his place of if this exact same thing happened to you.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, but feels as if from Minseok’s look he should be saying no. The more disconcerting things is that he’s pretty sure he should say no. The wiggle in his stomach that resembles week old worms indicates the same.

“So you’ve really put yourself in his place, where the supposed love of his life is ignoring him except where it’s convenient. The person he finally grew to trust, rebuffed him after a progressive point in their relationship, exiled him for two weeks, is hot and cold, and was recently just revealed to treat him, and only him this way. Because apparently he not only used to date his best friend, but did many other people just because he thought they were better. And you feel worthless.”

The wiggle is a writhing discomfort and Jongdae sits and looks at Minseok and feels like the absolute definition of shit.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Minseok says evenly, looking down and wetting his lips.

“Really?” Jongdae asks, voice a bit dry and he has to clear his throat. A large part of him is sick with himself, sick with what he’s just heard himself painted as. It’s worse, in a way, because while Jongdae could object and tell Minseok no, it’s just been laid out for him and he can’t lie to himself. He’s spent the last weeks learning how to stop doing that.

“Yes, really.” Minseok doesn’t sound malicious. Just factual.

“Well, you did a pretty bang up job of doing it anyway.”

“If I wanted to make you feel like scum, I could tell you exactly how Lu Han has been feeling, and exactly what I really think of you,” Minseok tells him, and the look he gives him ensures that Minseok could. “But I don’t, because having him pissed and upset is enough.”

“So I’ve heard,” Jongdae says, thinking of Sehun and Yixing talking with him, thinking of Lu Han himself when he’d last seen him. “And apparently I’ve been going about everything wrong.”

“You have,” Minseok tells him. Jongdae hasn't been around Minseok much, but he’s learning quickly he’s a very straightforward person. “You’re not wrong with what you’re doing, but it’s wrong with him.”

Jongdae has to laugh at that, the irony of everything, how it all seems to swing back to being right and wrong at the same time. “Will it ever really be right with us, though?”

The words are barely dead on the air before Minseok’s look is solemn. “He’s pissed at you,” Minseok tells him, and the heavy writhing fluxes worse. “That doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have feelings for you. I think that’s what’s making it hardest for both of you.” He sighs. “Because now you’re the one who doesn’t want to give up, and he’s not used to that.”

“Not used to me caring?” Jongdae wants to laugh, because he does care, and it’s alarming almost how much he cares. It’s a different feeling than what he used to have, where he cared more about finding his soul mate and who was perfect, desperate to fix what wasn’t a really a problem. It’s different and he realizes with embarrassing delay this is what Kyungsoo was talking about when he said this is falling and being in love.

“Not used to being on the receiving end of his own game,” Minseok says. “He’s used to chasing you, not being pursued by you.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do?” Jongdae asks, feeling a bit woebegone. He doesn’t want to lose Lu Han, and while it feels like all Lu Han’s friends are giving him a crash course in his boyfriend, Jongdae wants to learn him for himself.

“Keep doing it,” Minseok says, and the firmness in his voice startles Jongdae. “Don’t let him think you’ve given up on him, and don’t actually give up on him. Lu Han isn’t easy, but I don’t get the impression you are either.” He smiles, and there’s something there, something deeper that Jongdae doesn’t understand but realizes has meaning. “You really are kind of perfect for each other.”

That has Jongdae letting out a laugh unexpectedly. “So I’ve been told,” he mutters, a sort of soft hollow feeling in his chest that fills gradually. He’s not sure why, but hearing it said now, after everything has been pulled down, is reassuring.

“It’s true,” Minseok says, and his smile widens. Somehow, Jongdae finds himself smiling back.

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Perceptions of Right, Wrong, and What Really Is. (2/3) →