#185: Perceptions of Right, Wrong, and What Really Is. (3/3)

[lordchen]

It's a stunning day outside, the sun shining and the weather a beautiful temperate balance between not too hot and not too cold, instead keeping a pleasant feeling where all that is needed is a light jacket. Jongdae’s is thrown over his shoulders as he wanders through the venue and his shoes crunch over gravel, eyes on the small pebbles and imagining each of them as another thought that he’s stepping on to get it to shut up.

“I’m still not sure this is where we should hold the reception,” Zitao is saying, looking around with a small line to his lips and hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I mean, what if someone gets drunk and falls in the pool?”

“Then we can have an excuse to laugh at them for hours,” Baekhyun says, reaching up and closing a hand around Zitao’s as he looks around the area. “Plus, Chanyeol once was a lifeguard and Amber was an EMT for years, we’re covered in case of life or death situations.”

“But-“ Zitao begins before sighing and looking at Jongdae. “Jongdae, what do you think?”

It’s a stunning Saturday and Jongdae is torn between being a good friend and helping out Baekhyun and Zitao (because they asked) and going to try to find Lu Han and see if he’ll look him in the eye.

“What?” Jongdae asks, jogged from his thoughts of what to do with himself aside from walk behind his two friends.

“How nice of you to join us,” Baekhyun remarks, turning to him and stretching a smile wide. “We’ve been wondering why you haven’t been responding to our insults for the last hour.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jongdae tells him, and doesn’t give him the right to bother him. Jongdae has enough things that are bothering him; he won’t let Baekhyun be one of them.

“We’d noticed,” Zitao says, and looks half humoring, half miffed. “Let us know when you’re ready to come back to helping us out.”

“It’s not like we’re in a rush or anything. The wedding is only four weeks away.” Baekhyun’s smile broadens to consume his entire face. It’s probably meant to be alarming.

“So a month away,” Jongdae clarifies, raising an eyebrow at him. It feels like they only just sent out the invitations, but then, Jongdae has had a lot going on.

“Yes, Jongdae,” Zitao says, now just sounding exasperated. “Our wedding is a month away. And you’re supposed to be Baekhyun’s best man-“

“One of them,” Jongdae corrects, feeling a bit unnerved now he thinks of how Kyungsoo had asked him recently about venues for the bachelors party.

“Yes, one of my best men,” Baekhyun says, and looks up at Zitao. Jongdae can’t really read what they’re communicating, but there has always been a part of their relationship that he’s never been included in. It always was easy to push past, especially since they’ve been together since middle school, almost over twelve years now, and just accept. “You’re one of my best men, Jongdae.”

A soft and intimate relationship that always just so easily came to them, something Jongdae never really let himself be bothered by, or envious of even when he felt so alone. “I haven’t forgotten,” he tells Baekhyun, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’m still here, unless you’ve decided to ask someone else.”

“I haven’t,” Baekhyun says. “You still get make sure I get wasted at my bachelors party.”

“Not too wasted,” Zitao comments with a knowing look.

“Look, you have Song Qian and Chansik in control of your side, I’m allowed to get wasted when I know you’ll be smashed,” Baekhyun tells Zitao with a slightly indignant look. Zitao simple laughs, stepping back and smiling, almost glowing under Baekhyun’s scolding that feels more like teasing. “I hope they get me wasted.”

“I could just get you wasted now and save the trouble,” Jongdae suggests and Zitao laughs as Baekhyun throws him a look that tells him he’s not helping. “I am pretty sure dragging feet and getting hung up on reception venues will be less grueling if we’ve had a few shots.”

Zitao’s laughter peters out, Baekhyun’s face falling slightly before he sighs and turns away. Perhaps Jongdae went a bit far, and he has been on edge since he talked to Minseok a few days back. It’s one thing to know his efforts hadn’t been working, it’s another to feel an abject asshole and have it all thrown into his lap. It’s a little ironic, the burn just as bad as Lu Han’s coffee had been the first time they met. Except Lu Han isn’t there to smile and try to help him clean up, because this is Jongdae’s mess this time.

It was probably always his mess. Always a mess of emotions and ideas and beliefs and problems where nothing went right. He and Lu Han never even started on the right foot, a mess of soaked pants and a bad day and misunderstandings.

It’s never been easy.

“Yeah, that might make it a bit easier,” Baekhyun says, and his voice snaps Jongdae back to focus, pulling him from his thoughts to look at his friend. “A few drinks would make a lot of things easier.”

The hint of irritation in his voice has Jongdae laughing, a derisive note to it as he looks at the pair before him, Baekhyun’s face falling and Zitao looking almost concerned. They’ve never really had it hard, not like he has. They found each other so early, and just fell together. This is a long time coming, but not for the first time does Jongdae think that his best friend really has no grasp on what this is like. Baekhyun and Zitao have never had it hard, always had it easy, working together in their own way, with their own language, and Jongdae never let it bother him.

Maybe it’s because he’s stressed, because he doesn’t sleep well thinking about what to do to fix things, what he needs to do so he doesn’t lose the person he fell in love with. It’s not easy for him, like he thought it would be, like it has been for Baekhyun and Zitao.

Even others can see it, have said it, that they’re wrong and it’s hard and that his relationship with Lu Han isn’t simple, but that he can’t give up.

Not giving up and making things work is hard, and Jongdae never expected it.

“What?” Baekhyun asks, and sounds just as Zitao puts a hand on his shoulder. “Was I funny without meaning to be? I know that can happen sometimes.”

“No,” Jongdae says, and shakes his head. It’s a stunning day, and the couple before him are about to get married in a month and have never gone through what he’s dealing with right now. “You didn’t say something funny. I just thought how stupid this is.”

Baekhyun’s face falls. Zitao’s darkens and then saddens and Jongdae wants to leave before he says more but if he leaves, it would be to find Lu Han. And he has no idea what to do when he sees Lu Han, because they’re fighting and it’s not easy and it’s all so unfair.

“What’s stupid?” Zitao asks, softer.

“Are we stupid?” Baekhyun asks, gesturing to himself and Zitao, giving Jongdae a stark look. “Are we bothering you, Jongdae? Are we giving you more problems than what you already have? I know you tend to always have a few, and we always get to hear about them.”

“Unlike you,” Jongdae says and it snaps out, making Baekhyun’s mouth snap shut and Zitao’s fall open. It sounded harsh, and Jongdae has to close his eyes to remind himself that he’s not angry at them, just angry at a lot of other things. “Sorry, it’s just like sometimes I feel like you two have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“Why? Is it because you’re talking in tongues?” Baekhyun fires back, his voice hardening and Jongdae frowns at him.

“You just-“ Wording this in a way that isn’t rude is difficult, so Jongdae swallows and tries his best. “You’ve just had it easy, always easy. Both of you just got together early, and it’s just been you two together and happy with that since as long as I know. You’ve never had to deal with what I’m going through.”

“Oh, here we go,” Baekhyun says, and it’s so unlike his usual response that it shocks Jongdae. Zitao throws him a look but Baekhyun frowns at him. “No, I’m done.” Baekhyun turns to him, and the look on his face isn’t joking. It’s serious and annoyed. “Zitao and I have always had it easy, right?”

Jongdae wants to throw his hands up, give up and just yell yes. He’s been talking to them through this whole thing, and maybe that’s always been the problem, because they don’t understand. “Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling just a little bitter. “You have. You’ve never been through fights like this, or falling outs, or wondering if it was actually going to pull through or if you’d just lose it all.”

“Actually, Jongdae,” Zitao says, and Baekhyun huffs and pinches the bridge of his nose, looking pissed. Zitao isn’t angry, but he looks annoyed himself. “We have.”

“The thing is,” Baekhyun says, dropping his hand. “We have had our fair deal of shit. You think we don’t fight? That we haven’t been pushed to the edge and that we didn’t nearly break up, leave each other and stop this multiple times? You’re wrong.”

Jongdae stares, feeling a bit shocked. He’d never heard of them fighting, at least not seriously, and it all feels ungrounded. “But you’ve never-“

“Yes, we have,” Baekhyun cuts him off. “We fight, we go through ups and downs and Zitao gets pissed and me and I get annoyed with him and I nearly lost him and nearly walked out on him a few times but you know what? We fucking made it work. Why?” Baekhyun looks at Zitao and the resolution and promise in his eyes is so strong Jongdae can almost feel it. Zitao doesn’t look taken aback though, instead a soft smile and consent spreading over his face. “Because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, when you love each other. You make it work.”

It’s probably the most prolific Baekhyun has ever really been about his and Zitao’s relationship, the two of them mostly coasting on a series of banter and chatter and teasing. They’ve always been a constant in Jongdae’s background, just the two of them, never really fighting, or at least as far as he knew.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Jongdae asks, looking at his best friend and his soon to be husband, hands held and not looking at him. “I’m your best friend, why wouldn’t you tell me if something was going on?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” Baekhyun gruffs back, giving him an annoyed look. “Yeah, Zitao and I are soul mates, but that doesn’t mean it’s ever easy to be together. No relationship is easy, regardless of if you’re soul mates or not.

“But isn’t that the whole point?” Jongdae finally gets out, feeling overwhelmed. He never knew, he never knew about something so big for his best friends, something he had apparently taken for granted. “Your soul mate is for you, and it’s-“

“Bull shit!” Baekhyun yells, loud and drowning him out. “Soul mates are just another relationship! They’re people, just like you and me and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and Zitao and everyone and they’re special because you can be with them for your life or not. It’s you’re fucking choice! Either you make it work or you don’t.”

“But it’s easier!” Jongdae tries, feeling like his final safety net is being ripped from under him. Baekhyun and Zitao were always safe.

“No, it’s not,” Zitao says, adding in while his hand squeezes around Baekhyun’s. “Soul mates aren’t the people you’re madly in love with, your perfect ideal person in your dreams.” Baekhyun looks at him and it’s not with passion or wild abandon, but with the kind of look that asks. Zitao doesn’t look at him, instead his eyes on Jongdae, a patience in them that is slightly patronizing but also kind. “They’re the person who matches you best and is your other half. They’re the one who balances you, not who you think is best for you.”

“Like Zitao is for me,” Baekhyun says, and Zitao turns to him with such warmth it almost is dizzying for Jongdae to watch. “And like I’ve been telling you Lu Han is for you. He’s not perfect, but he is for you. So either deal with it and accept that things aren’t going to be easy, and that you have to work to keep it together and fix your fuck ups.” Baekhyun lets out a short breath. “Or let him go.”

“I can’t just let him go,” Jongdae tries to counter, a little overwhelmed by all of this. He tries to think back to when Baekhyun and Zitao may have fought, to when things were falling apart. “It’s not like it’s an easy decision to just-“

“It’s not supposed to be easy!” Baekhyun yells, and a red flush begins to creep up his neck and color his ears. “Life isn’t easy, Jongdae. Love isn’t easy either, and if that’s all you care about, then I really feel bad for Lu Han. It’s never been easy, for me or Zitao or anyone who has ever dated. If you don’t want to take my word, then go ask Kyungsoo, or Soojung. We make it work, because we want it to work.”

“I do want to make it work!” Jongdae yells back. This isn’t fair, and he isn’t here to argue with his best friend about this. He’s here to support Baekhyun and Zitao with their wedding, and he’s here to get advice and support from them. He’s here because he wants to be, and because he doesn’t know what to do. “I do want to make things work with him.”

“Then go find him and fix it!” Baekhyun snaps. “Stop being self absorbed and invested and thinking about how this isn’t easy for you because life isn’t easy, love isn’t easy, and Lu Han is going to keep being pissed at you because you still haven’t fixed this. You still haven’t really tried, Jongdae. And until you do, it’s going to keep being difficult and suck and I’m sick of hearing about it.”

With an angry face and stiff shoulders, Baekhyun turns from him, pulling away from Zitao’s hands and voice and walking off angrily into the venue they’re supposed to be reviewing for the reception of a wedding that’s a month away. Jongdae watches him leave and feels selfish, again, because he said the wrong thing, again.

“I’m really not doing so well,” Jongdae sighs to himself, looking at Zitao. Zitao is looking after Baekhyun with concern but also understanding on his face.

“No,” Zitao agrees, but he’s smiling. “You keep kind of doing the wrong stuff, but you’re kind of learning on a crash course. He’s just-“ Zitao looks back to where Baekhyun disappeared and lets out a sigh. “He’s stressed. We both are. Except he’s been bottling it up for a while, and it’s just finally getting to him.”

“I can see that,” Jongdae grumbles, looking after where Baekhyun had gone and trying not to feel personally attacked.

“That doesn’t mean he wasn’t telling the truth, or over reacting really,” Zitao says, and looks around the area they’re in. “It’s been bothering him for a while, because he kept watching you making the same mistakes but didn’t want to really throw what we go through on you.” Zitao looks so fond it’s almost like he’s emanating the sentiment. “He figured you had enough to deal with, and our business is our own.”

“I never really knew,” Jongdae says, looking at Zitao and feeling a bit closer to him. It’s strange, how despite how Baekhyun and Zitao had dated for so long, they always had their own swing, where Jongdae never really breached into it and pushed into Zitao’s space, forcing friendship. Sure, they’re friends, but Zitao had always been Baekhyun’s, and not his business.

“Good,” Zitao says. “So, do you think you can figure your own shit out? Because I’m pretty sure Baekhyun isn’t really able to sit you down. Neither am I, honestly.”

“You two really fight that much?” Jongdae asks, slightly bewildered.

“Yes,” Zitao says before laughing. “And no. We’ve been through our own share of drama. Everyone deals with it, you’re just getting your feet wet.”

“That’s reassuring,” Jongdae says dryly. “I’m glad I have more of this to look forward to.”

“Don’t get too excited,” Zitao laughs before reaching out and giving him a few very firm pats on the back, squeezing his shoulder in a genial manner that manages to make him smile. “It’s not easy, but I will tell you it’s worth it.” He smiles. “It has to be, otherwise Baekhyun never would have said yes when I proposed.”

Jongdae blinks. “I thought he proposed,” he says, looking up at Zitao in confusion.

“We both did,” Zitao tells him, stepping forward to walk through the venue and looking to him to follow. “Except Baekhyun always tells the story that happened before we almost broke up for good. We usually don’t tell many people about that one, because it's the whole reason he broke his wrist last year.”

“I thought that was because of a hiking accident.” Jongdae remembers that, and he remembers how Baekhyun was slightly subdued during the injury. Jongdae had thought that it was because Baekhyun was moping over a broken bone. Apparently, he’d been wrong.

Zitao laughs. “Jongdae you’ve been best friends with Baekhyun since before I met him. Do you really think Baekhyun and I actually went hiking overnight? I would never describe my fiancé as the exercising type.”

“You kind of take care of that part for both of you,” Jongdae adds, letting himself smile.

“We’re not perfect,” Zitao says, looking around at the area rather than at Jongdae. “But no one is perfect. We just learned to deal with it and learn how to live together. That’s just what you do.”

It isn’t until an hour later that Jongdae really sees Baekhyun again. Talking with Zitao, even if it was a little stranger to have a full conversation with him without Baekhyun there adding his own commentary, was reassuring. Jongdae knew Zitao was waiting for him to leave at any moment, to run and to back down but in a way that kept Jongdae there. Baekhyun was right, and Jongdae is best man. Along the way of the last few months, he kind of forgot about it, and finally being told about Baekhyun and Zitao felt like being included in something bigger.

It also gave him time to chew things over in his own mind, pulling apart his own feelings and ideas, and Zitao was quiet during that. He simply watched, and it was almost like he was waiting for Jongdae to ask him something else, offering a quiet sort of reassurance.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says as he and Zitao come and find Baekhyun with about twenty seven mint candy wrappers and a bottle of water at the reception desk.

“Good,” Baekhyun says, looking up at him, no longer pink in the ears. “Now that you’ve learned how to apologize, go do it again. Practice makes perfect.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae tells him again and this time Zitao laughs, hiding his mouth behind his hand.

“Not to me, you dipshit,” Baekhyun says with a sigh and a hint of a smile. “To everyone else you’ve been bothering for the past few months. And to Lu Han.” He exchanges a look with Zitao. “Definitely to Lu Han.”

Jongdae smiles, feeling a bit relieved at Baekhyun’s more relaxed form. After talking to Zitao and getting to sift through his thoughts, he feels like he finally might be getting some ideas that aren’t wrong. “No,” he says and Baekhyun’s eyebrows raise. “I have something else in mind.”


๑


It’s a Friday evening. The sun is still shining and the air is buzzing with activity, people moving in and around and talking together, smiling and laughing and some with lines around their wrists and some without. The whole patio area is only half populated, mostly empty aside from a few people sitting around and winding down after a long week of work.

Jongdae is sitting in the far corner, feeling his nerves buzzing and feeling too hot in his collared dress shirt and slacks. His jacket from work is draped over the back of his chair, and it almost feelings like he’s back in interview hell, going from booth to booth to try to impress and feeling drastically unprepared for anything.

In reality, this is more nerve wracking.

“Okay, breathe, I can practically hear your hands shaking,” Sehun drawls, his voice coming through the receiver of Jongdae’s cell phone sounding bored.

“You’d be nervous too,” Jongdae tells him, looking around the outdoors patio area and pushing his palm over his heart, trying to make it calm down from it’s racing. He knows telling it to calm down is probably unwise, or crazy looking.

“You’re not proposing to him,” Sehun reminds him. “You’re just talking to him. Creatively. Cool your shit.”

“Isn’t Yixing lucky to have you,” Jongdae says, smiling a bit. It’s been a mess of a week, since checking the reception venue with Baekhyun and Zitao to calling Yixing and Sehun and texting Minseok. But finally, Jongdae is sitting almost a week later and feeling resolved and terrified.

“He has no idea how lucky he is,” Sehun sighs and Jongdae can picture his smile. It’s been a little weird, getting to know Lu Han’s friends when Lu Han isn’t there to introduce them. It’s a little like going behind his back, except Jongdae is doing it to get to know him better. Or so he rationalizes it. “Anyone is lucky to have me.”

“Because you’re so amazing,” Jongdae clarifies, smiling a bit. Sehun isn’t Kyungsoo calming or Baekhyun distracting, but he is reassuring.

“Exactly,” Sehun says, and it sounds a bit brighter. “Yeah, I like you. Don’t fuck up today, I want to keep you as a friend.”

“Thanks Sehun,” Jongdae says, checking his watch. “I’m glad for your reassurance.”

“Happy to give it,” Sehun says. “Minseok should be there soon. Did you get everything you need?”

“Is that even a question?” Jongdae mumbles, looking at the small table before him and dropping the hand on his chest, breathing out silently.

“Yes, actually, that’s why I asked it,” Sehun drawls. “You know, that’s how questions work. I ask you them and you answer them without the sass.”

“You don’t know me,” Jongdae tells him. It’s easier to distract himself like this. He figures Sehun knows it too, which is why he’s still chatting. Or perhaps Sehun just likes talking. Jongdae figures he’ll learn later. For now, he has a task at hand that he has to complete.

“I know enough to tell you to stuff it when it’s annoying,” Sehun retorts. “You don’t need sass right now, you need to get your game face on and go score.”

“That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I’m the one in a currently functional relationship, not you, so we’re going to go with my pep talks until you get on my level,” Sehun tells him succinctly. “Any sign yet?” Jongdae almost doesn't want to look up, look around and peek for where he knows Minseok is supposed to show up. He feels sick, stomach writhing with nerves because if this goes wrong, he’s just made everything worse. “Yixing called a few minutes ago to tell me Lu Han left work on time.”

“You two should be ready for your secret ops jobs after this,” Jongdae tells him, looking out over the patio and breathing out again. “All this planning and sneaking.”

“How do you know we don’t already have those jobs,” Sehun asks. “Maybe we’re both actually already under cover agents. Maybe we’ve been lying to you this whole time. Maybe Lu Han isn’t really your soul mate and you’re actually a genetic experiment.”

“Maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Jongdae says, and his grip on his phone tightens when the door to the patio opens and two familiar people walk out, chatting together.

“I never get ahead of myself,” Sehun says haughtily. “I stay right in time with me. That’s why I have such a great relationship with myself. You should follow my example.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, before swallowing down a drying throat. “Sure.” It’s been two weeks since he saw Lu Han, since Lu Han slammed the door on him and since Minseok told him to leave before he hurt more.

“I take it Lu Han is here, then?” Sehun asks, his voice wafting out of the phone and only briefly jarring. Jongdae nods. Sehun can’t see it, but the hum on the other end of the phone tells him Sehun doesn’t need to see him to keep talking. “I’ll call Yixing then in just a moment, make sure he’s aware that things are doing what they’re supposed to do. You good?”

“I feel like I might throw up,” Jongdae says honestly, and Sehun laughs.

“Good,” Sehun tells him. “I’d be more concerned if you didn’t. Just don’t throw up on Lu Han.” Lu Han and Minseok sit down at one of the tables near the far corner, in the shade of the late afternoon sun and with Lu Han with his back to Jongdae. They’re on a walking area, close enough to the doors that Jongdae can pass by without going drastically out of his way.

“I won’t throw up on him,” Jongdae says, a hint of a smile ghosting on his lips as he watches Lu Han and Minseok talk. Lu Han runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face, and says something that makes Minseok smile, almost laugh. Minseok doesn't look for him, instead focusing on Lu Han, and Jongdae breathes in to keep himself calm.

“I’m going to call Yixing,” Sehun says. “Good luck. For the sake of all of us.”

“Thanks,” Jongdae says it, putting as much meaning into it as he can, trying to tell Sehun thank you for everything, not only for just now with keeping him distracted. Sehun hangs up first, the line dying before Jongdae closes his phone, pocketing it as he stands up and checks himself over quickly, looking at his post work attire and closing his eyes.

This time, Jongdae hasn’t spent hours thinking over what he has to say to Lu Han, how he has to explain himself or what Lu Han has to understand through points A, B, and C and make Lu Han understand him. It’s a bit delayed, but it’s time Jongdae just said what he feels, and listens to Lu Han.

That he stops focusing on himself and instead focuses on Lu Han.

It only feels fair, considering that if this is a push and a pull, a balance that he’s upset, it’s his turn to push back and hope Lu Han meets him and doesn’t let him fall alone.

“This is really stupid,” Jongdae tells himself under his breath, looking down and picking up the Styrofoam cup sitting on the table. “Really, really stupid,” he says, and smiles a bit, the warm liquid in the cup seeping into his palm. Looking up, he sees Lu Han’s hands drop, Minseok’s face crease in what looks like pained sympathy, and a notch slips in Jongdae’s chest.

He’s tired of waiting for his soul mate, for things to fix, and tired of fighting something that he never really understood properly why he was fighting. He’s tired of this being a mess, of feeling like everyone else is okay and he’s not.

Soul mates aren’t the people you’re madly in love with, your perfect ideal person in your dreams. They’re the person who matches you best, the one who balances you, not who you think is best for you.

It feels a bit like a trance, with the words from others floating around in his head, as Jongdae walks over the patio, eyes on Lu Han’s back. With each step, he feels resolution and determination sink further into the writhing in his stomach, pushing it down, making it strong, With every step, he doesn’t think about how stupid this is, he just thinks about how he’s going to make it work.

About five months ago, in the early spring when Jongdae had gone to a job convention feeling nervous and sick and with a line around his wrist showing he was to meet his soul mate. About five months ago, Jongdae had met his soul mate on accident and shrieked and hadn’t realized the Pull when he felt it. About five months ago, he’d punched his soul mate for a joke and broken down in a bathroom.

Five months later, Jongdae keeps his steps even, his breathing as calm as he can, and braces himself for the shit to hit the fan as he passes behind Lu Han just as he gets up to answer a frantic phone call and walks directly into him.

For all the people who talk about watching scenes in slow motion, they really know jack shit about real life. Things don't slow down, they happen in absolute awareness, so the cup of coffee in Jongdae’s hand doesn’t dramatically travel through the air to upset itself directly into Lu Han’s chest. Lu Han’s sudden startled yell doesn’t come out delayed and slowed down, and Jongdae doesn’t watch his face lethargically go from concerned to surprised in a slow spread of features.

Instead, it all happens in real time, in real sound, at the same exact tempo that it is supposed to, and Jongdae just sees and is aware of all of it.

It kind of makes it more exciting, more real and it keeps him focused.

“Holy fucking hell!” yells Lu Han, voice spiking up to a new degree of high as the hot coffee falls into him and he flinches back, almost tripping over himself. Jongdae reaches out to steady him, and Lu Han isn’t looking at him. He’s looking down at himself, frowning and looking annoyed and dismayed and lurching to scramble for napkins.

“Sorry,” Jongdae rushes to say, grabbing some of the napkins from the table and immediately stooping down to press them to the sopping mess on Lu Han’s front. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, moving down until his knees hit the ground.

“Shit, that was hot,” Lu Han is mumbling, barely sparing him a glance as Lu Han assess himself. “Watch where you’re going next time or something.” He’s not angry, just sounding a bit miffed and tired.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says, napkin pressed to Lu Han’s hip and looking up at him.

“Yeah, well, shit happens,” Lu Han grunts, patting down his front. “Not your fault.”

“It is my fault,” Jongdae say, voice firmer as he looks up at Lu Han, the way his hair falls into his face and he frowns at his chest and looks like he hasn’t slept and Jongdae missed him. “And I should apologize.”

Lu Han stills, his hands pausing as they press 100% recycled napkins into his stomach stained with coffee and finally looks at him, his eyes clouded. Across the table, Minseok has gone, leaving just them for a moment and Jongdae swallows as Lu Han’s breathing increases, emotions beginning to flicker across his face.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and his voice is softer, though angrier, tighter than Jongdae has heard it ever. Jongdae doesn’t move. “Did you just intentionally pour coffee on me?”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, voice even. It’s back to square one, and Jongdae isn’t going to let Lu Han walk away. Not without a fight. “I did. I threw coffee on you because I had to apologize.”

“Oh?” The curl in Lu Han’s voice is probably deadly, definitely angry, and possibly threatening.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, and wets his lips as he feels Lu Han tense under his hands, coffee stained fingers still holding soggy napkins. “I poured coffee on you because I had to apologize. I had to apologize for the first time, when you dropped coffee on me, and for all the times after that when I was just as much of an ass as that first time when you didn’t deserve it.” Lu Han’s eyes flicker.

“Did you rehearse this?” Lu Han asks, and sounds a bit intrigued as much as he is weary.

“No,” Jongdae says, wanting to hold onto Lu Han as he moves to step back. please don’t go yet. “I didn’t. I didn’t plan this at all, just like nothing is really planned. And things never went as I planned them, like I never planned to meet you, for you to be my soul mate, and never asked for it.”

At those words, Lu Han’s countenance darkens, and he steps back, pulling away and Jongdae reaches up, on impulse, and grabs his wrist. “Fuck that,” Lu Han starts, glare forming.

“But,” Jongdae rushes on. “It wasn’t something I could ask for. Because I realized that the best things in my life are things I never asked for, or were things I wanted. I never planned to meet you, and it wasn’t fair that I planned anything, to you or to me.” Lu Han is still glaring, but he looks hesitant to pull back entirely. “Yeah, I poured coffee on you, because I wanted to start over.”

Something passes over Lu Han’s face, like it’s pinched but also being pulled a bit too far from comfort. Lu Han doesn’t pull back, and he looks conflicted to do so. Jongdae holds on, wrapping his fingers around Lu Han’s wrist and keeping his gaze.

“I’m stubborn,” Jongdae continues. “Which you probably know-“

“I do,” Lu Han interjects and Jongdae can’t help but smile a bit.

“And in the past, that’s been something that didn’t help. I had an idea of what I thought I wanted. Who I thought I wanted.” Lu Han’s mouth thins. “Then I got you, and nothing was what I thought it would be or wanted it to be.”

“Stop,” Lu Han says, voice sharper.

“No,” Jongdae says, shaking his head. “I’m not going to stop. Because I never asked for this, for you-“ Lu Han winces, “- and I never asked to learn about how I was wrong. I don’t like being wrong, but I’m glad I was, because this,” Jongdae squeezes his grip around Lu Han’s wrist. “This isn’t wrong, I was.”

Jongdae waits then, just looking up at Lu Han, watching him for something, anything to show that this isn’t working, that he’s messed up. Lu Han doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t move forward, and as he looks at Jongdae, there is a wariness in his expression. He is also listening, and it gives Jongdae the edge he needs.

“I messed up, a lot, and I can't change that. I want to try and to fight and get upset because I don’t want it to be easy, I want it to be real, I want it to be you because I’m in love and that’s not changing.” Lu Han stiffens, stills before him and Jongdae can feel his heart pounding. It’s a bit of a rush, and he knows now that if he doesn’t finish, it’ll all bottle up. “I don’t want it to, and that scares me, because I’ve never felt like that before.”

“I want you to be angry with me when I fuck up, because I deserve it. I also want you to listen when I say I’m sorry, because I mean it,” Jongdae feels winded, like he’s just run to Lu Han rather than spoken to him, and when he looks at him, Lu Han is frowning.

It’s not a bad frown though, more of a confused conflicted contemplative frown, one that has Jongdae’s breath held in his throat as he watches Lu Han swallow, throat working.

“Jongdae,” he says, and closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. His voice is a little tight, like he’s holding back still, and keeping himself in check.

“Yeah?” Jongdae prompts, letting his thumb brush gently over Lu Han’s pulse point on his wrist. He can feel his heart beating under his fingertips, his pulse fluttering and it makes his own heart do the same.

“You,” Lu Han takes in another brief breath. “You really kind of suck.” He yanks his hand away, ripping it from Jongdae’s grasp and drawing a startled sound from him, looking up as Lu Han opens his eyes and doesn’t look happy.

Instead, he looks annoyed.

“Lu Han,” Jongdae starts, making to push himself up from where he’s been crouched on his knees, pouring his heart out for Lu Han in hopes that it would save this.

“No,” Lu Han says with a curt jerk of his head. “No, shut up. You got to say your big long sappy thing now it’s my turn to talk.” He shakes his head again, as if dashing a pesky thought and lets out a short tempered breath. “Stay there,” he adds, when Jongdae shifts to try to push himself up.

“On my knees,” Jongdae clarifies, looking up and not really able to mask the degrading position he’s in.

“Yes,” Lu Han says, with a sharp nod as he fits his hands on his hips and fixes him with a look. “On your knees. It’s a good look for you.”

If Jongdae were Baekhyun, he might make a remark about that. But Jongdae isn’t Baekhyun and Lu Han isn’t Zitao, and Jongdae really, really doesn't want this to go wrong. So instead he stays on the ground, looking up at Lu Han with coffee stains down his front and his hands on his hips and tired lines around his eyes.

Instead, Jongdae looks up at Lu Han and waits for him.

“You,” Lu Han begins, and then pauses, closing his eyes and tilting his head, like he’s getting out a muscle kink. “Jongdae. Are an asshole.” He opens his eyes, and looks directly at Jongdae, eyes hard and piercing and like he’s just plain angry. “Like, you’re an asshole in the way that I never planned or thought out what my soul mate would be like, but I’m very sure that if I actually thought something up, you definitely wouldn’t be it.”

That hurts. That definitely hurts, and Lu Han pausing to hang his head and heave a sigh and look so disappointed and drag this out definitely doesn’t improve Jongdae’s hopes that this will end well.

“Lu Han,” Jongdae starts and then bites his tongue as Lu Han waves a hand to shut him up.

“I said it’s my turn, shut up.” When Lu Han looks up again, he looks less pissed, and his eyes aren’t hard, not like they had been since Jongdae had pushed him away. They’re brighter, sadder, yes, but they’re open. It has Jongdae pressing his lips together to keep from pushing. It’s a balance, he’s said his bit, and now he has to let Lu Han.

It’s them.

“But,” Lu Han finally continues, and the corner of his mouth twitches. “It is you. And I can’t change that.” Jongdae waits as he pauses again, biting his lip briefly and frowning. “I also don’t want to.”

Lu Han doesn’t smile. He also doesn’t frown and he doesn’t pull away, he just looks at Jongdae, like he’s waiting for him to push him, to call him out, or to pull too much and unravel him.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae tells him, because he is.

“Because you’re my soul mate?” Lu Han asks, and raises an eyebrow.

“No,” Jongdae says, and keeps his voice firm on that. “I’m not sorry I’m your soul mate. I’m not sorry that you wouldn’t leave me alone at first and tried to make this work.” Lu Han lets out a small scoff at that. “I’m sorry that I spilled coffee on you.” Lu Han lets out a small half laugh, weak but present and the hint of a smile is enough to have Jongdae continuing. “I’m not a pervert trying to feel you up, but I am your soul mate.” He swallows, Lu Han’s eyes soft and his heart too heavy in his chest. “If you still want me to be.”

“I don’t know if I have a choice,” Lu Han says, letting out a soft cough of a laugh.

“Well, no,” Jongdae says, letting himself smile a little even if he’s technically still on thin ice. But looking up at Lu Han, how he’s still here, hasn't left him and how Jongdae can see him, and a pleasant hum has begun under his skin. It’s like coming home, seeing Lu Han here, within reach, and he has a feeling Lu Han isn’t going to leave him. “Not really, soul mates are kind of permanent. Unless you kill me, but I feel like neither of us would benefit from that.”

“Especially me,” Lu Han says, a tease to his look. Jongdae didn’t realize how much he missed it until he sees it now.

“I might also be a bit disappointed by my death,” Jongdae says, shrugging a bit. “I had hoped to accomplish more.”

Lu Han laughs at that, full and real and his eyes crease into slits as his smile stretches and Jongdae can’t help but smile up at him. It’s so nice to see him, hear him, and it feels still nervous, like Jongdae is still hovering over the edge, but he wants to be here. The glint in Lu Han’s eyes is familiar, and Jongdae gets the impression Lu Han is okay with being here too.

“You’re a freak,” Lu Han tells him, reaching out and opening a hand to him, to help Jongdae back to his feet. When Jongdae takes his hand, he lets Lu Han pull him up and doesn't let go, keeping Lu Han with him, fingers wrapped together.

“But you love me anyway,” Jongdae says, pushing it just a little, nervous but excited as he watches Lu Han still slightly, looking at him keenly. It’s moving a little fast, after everything that’s happened, and all that was on the line today, but it feels like water behind them, and Jongdae hopes.

“I guess I do,” Lu Han heaves with a sigh, letting their hands drop to hang between them. “Otherwise I’d have decked you by now.”

“Then I’m lucky,” Jongdae says and Lu Han laughs again, a softer laugh, with softer eyes and Jongdae just wants to break down the space between them and step too close. After so long of nothing, it’s hard not to just rush into space that didn’t used to be there, pulling it all away until it’s like it was. Instead, Jongdae wets his lips. “Can I ask you something?”

“No,” says Lu Han, but he smiles and Jongdae’s chest swells. “But you’re going to anyway.”

“Can we kiss and make up?”

The laugh that startles from Lu Han isn’t pretty, it isn’t handsome and Jongdae doesn't care, laughing as well as Lu Han laughs at him.

The ideal perfect soul mate wouldn’t laugh at him for saying that, but then Jongdae would never say what he’s just asked Lu Han to the ideal perfect soul mate. It doesn’t matter though, because Lu Han is better than that perfect ideal, and Jongdae couldn’t want anything more.

Still laughing a bit, Lu Han doesn’t lean into to kiss him, instead tugging Jongdae forward and bringing up his other arm, pulling Jongdae into him and pushing the space out. Jongdae doesn’t need to be told to step into Lu Han, to stretch his arms around him and hold him, something far more meaningful in just having Lu Han touch him, hold him and to hold back. To feel Lu Han’s exhaling breath beside his ear, to feel the last bit of tension leave his body and to rest his head to Lu Han’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Lu Han says, voice softer by his ear and the word ghosting warm over his skin, sinking into him. “I guess.”

Lu Han doesn’t specifically pull away, but shifts, leaning a bit and Jongdae turns, glancing the subtle smile on Lu Han’s lips before he leans in to press his own against them.

It’s not one of those dramatic life altering kisses, because it’s not supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be anything, and Jongdae doesn’t need it to be. Neither does Lu Han, but it’s theirs and Jongdae holds onto Lu Han for it.

It’s his turn to push now, though he has a very strong feeling as Lu Han’s lips smile against his, that it’ll be worth it.


๑

“On second thought,” Jongdae says, grimacing a bit as Lu Han’s shoulder bumps with his own. “This might not be the best idea.”

“Rude,” Lu Han says, throwing him a look. “You met all my friends by stalking me. I consider it only fair I get to finally meet yours.”

“You could just stalk me for a while and get to know them that way,” Jongdae suggests and turns to grin at his boyfriend. He doesn’t really get to, as Lu Han instead reaches up and not so kindly pats him on the face, hard.

“I’ll pass on the stalking,” Lu Han tells him, letting his fingers slide back to tug at the lobe of Jongdae’s ear, teasingly like his smile that flashes. “I’m already dating you, I don’t need to stalk you. I already did that step, remember?”

“I never actually thought you were stalking me,” Jongdae tells him, leaning into the touch.

“See? That’s just disappointing,” Lu Han tells him with a significant look. “All that stalking for nothing.”

“Stalking isn’t funny,” Jongdae tells him firmly, opening the door of the bar they’re going to, feeling a bit of a nervous jump in his belly. “Don’t joke about it to my friends. You’ll look bad.”

“I doubt they’ll think any less of you,” Lu Han jokingly reassures him and Jongdae opens his mouth to retort only to have Lu Han bark out a laugh and put a firmly shoving hand on his back and push him into the establishment. Jongdae almost turns back to grimace at him, but ends up laughing instead.

“I’m just looking out for you,” Jongdae tells him, slipping to his side, slipping their hands together as he looks around the bar for his friends. It’s a weekday, meaning that most of them will be in work attire, but after everything finally came together, Jongdae decided that after months it was high time his friends met Lu Han.

It was also helpfully determined by Lu Han as ‘only fair’ considering that Jongdae grew to know almost all of Lu Han’s friends now from half stalking him.

“Such a good boyfriend then,” Lu Han says, turned so he speaks into Jongdae’s temple and leans into too close, pushing his weight onto him and almost making him stumble. “I’m so lucky.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, reaching over and patting Lu Han perhaps a little too hard on the stomach, earning a jerk and smiling to himself. “So lucky.”

It’s Kyungsoo who sees them first, waving them over from a table he and Chanyeol have procured ahead of time. Chanyeol is bright smiles and standing gestures of polite handshakes and offering to get drinks. Kyungsoo smiles politely, holding out a hand as Chanyeol goes to get drinks.

“Baekhyun and Zitao are going to be late,” Kyungsoo tells Jongdae after he’s properly introduced himself to Lu Han. “The others are going to be here soon.”

“I figured they might be a bit late,” Jongdae comments, sitting down beside Lu Han. “Amber and Soojung aren’t here yet?”

“Of course we are,” surprises Jongdae to look up into the skeptical face of Soojung. “You just have shitty observational skills.” Her eyes slide to the side, where Lu Han is, and she smiles. “And you must be Lu Han.”

Lu Han is polite, perhaps still joking a bit as he greets Jongdae’s friends, and it all feels a bit too formal until Baekhyun arrives with the enthusiasm of a gate crasher at a celebrity wedding.

“Lu Han!” Baekhyun greets, arms wide as Zitao rolls his eyes dramatically in the back ground. “My main man, you made it. I was so worried.”

“Ignore him,” Kyungsoo speaks into this beer glass as Chanyeol laughs at Lu Han slightly surprised expression. “He’s always annoying like this.”

“Well, at least you see is what you get,” Lu Han laughs back as Baekhyun shoves himself to sit beside Lu Han and nearly dumps Kyungsoo’s drink into his lap. “Nice to meet you.”

“We’ve heard so much about you,” Baekhyun says, leaning in and propping his chin on his hand as Zitao shakes his head and goes to get a new round of drinks with Chanyeol.

“Good things, I hope,” Lu Han comments, sitting back and letting his arm drape over the back of Jongdae’s chair, settling over his shoulders.

“No, actually,” Baekhyun says, grinning as Lu Han’s own smile falters and he turns to Jongdae. “In fact he refused to call you anything but coffee pervert for the first few weeks.” Lu Han’s eyebrow continues to arch as Jongdae watches Baekhyun’s gleeful expression intensify.

“I didn’t always talk about him negatively,” Jongdae defends himself, leaning into Lu Han’s arm a bit.

“No,” Baekhyun admits as Zitao and Chanyeol return, Zitao slipping in beside him and further squishing Kyungsoo into Chanyeol. “Sometimes you would whine about him for hours and get deeply in touch with your inner teenage girl.” He grins as he accepts the bottle of beer from his fiancé, Zitao throwing Jongdae a look that says I tried but gave up ten years ago. Baekhyun just goes back to grinning at Lu Han. “You really bring out the best in him, I swear.”

“It’s Baekhyun, right?” Lu Han asks, nodding to Baekhyun as Zitao shakes his head and turns to join Soojung and Amber in conversation. Baekhyun simply grins and his eyes flicker to Jongdae teasingly, lips curled around the mouth of his bottle. “I figured.”

“Why’s that? Has Jongdae been filling your head with lies about me?” Baekhyun asks, tilting his head in a way that Jongdae is sure he thinks is endearing. It isn’t, but it’s funnier to watch him do it and look like an idiot than tell him the truth.

“No, I think he painted a pretty accurate picture of you,” Lu Han says and Jongdae has to hold down his laughter as Baekhyun takes on a shocked expression, over emphasized but partially genuine. “Though I thought you’d be taller.”

“Good things come in small packages,” Baekhyun replies easily. He then turns his attention to Jongdae. “I told you he was good for you.”

“Don’t,” Jongdae says, shaking his head slightly as Baekhyun gives him a look. “Don’t make me.”

“No, do,” Zitao interjects clueing back into the conversation and fixing Jongdae with a look. “Just think of how he’ll be if you don’t humor him.”

“It’s not humoring me, it’s justifying,” Baekhyun retorts, turning to Zitao with a haughty look and hand on his hip. “Excuse.”

“Excuse,” Zitao replies easily, and then breaks the serious looks with a sudden kissy face at Baekhyun.

“Gross,” Baekhyun tells him, but smiles none-the-less.

“I’m missing something,” Lu Han comments, looking between Jongdae and Baekhyun when Baekhyun turns back to him and fixes him with a pointed look.

“I’m waiting,” Baekhyun says and Jongdae sighs.

“He wants me to tell him that he was right,” Jongdae explains, turning to Lu Han.

“Which I was,” Baekhyun adds, nodding to them both. “So.”

“So what?” Jongdae asks.

“So I told you so,” Baekhyun gleans, a pleased smirk spreading over his lips. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“On what?” Lu Han asks, his fingers tapping over Jongdae’s arm, pulling him to settle more into his side. It’s easy, warm and comfortable to do so, the elimination of distance between them something Jongdae is happy to accommodate.

“On surviving,” Baekhyun says. “So far, you’re the first boyfriend to actually get to meet all of us.”

“That’s because we’re apparently a nightmare,” Soojung says idly, throwing a look at Jongdae that indicates she thinks he’s ridiculous for even suggesting the concept.

“When you’re all together, you are,” Jongdae says, and Amber laughs, the only one at the table to do so.

“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, grinning around the table, his eyes getting their familiar teasing glint in them. “I like you all so far.”

“Give it time,” Kyungsoo says, looking around from where Zitao is reaching over the table to swat at Amber who keeps laughing at him and holding his drink. “Seriously.”

“And I’m the only one that got to meet everyone,” Lu Han muses, quieter as he looks over the table before his eyes slide to Jongdae. “Interesting,” he adds, turning properly to look at him expectantly.

Baekhyun is busy stealing Zitao’s drink as Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are in a discussion with Amber while Soojung goads Zitao to drink everything in his current possession. It’s Thursday, and Jongdae is seated on a chair settled into Lu Han’s side after a long day of work, Lu Han coming from an equally long day, and smelling faintly of a cologne Jongdae has grown to only know of as Lu Han.

“Well, I figured you’d have to meet them sooner or later,” Jongdae says, turning to him and his voice softening despite the noise of the bar.

“True,” Lu Han muses with a slow nod, looking out over the table. They’re still not as seamless as Baekhyun and Zitao might be, or Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, but slowly Jongdae can see how he and Lu Han are forming their own groove. It’s hard to feel out, and considering how recent it’s been that they’re even together again, Jongdae isn’t trying to take things quickly.

He lets out a small laugh, thinking of how different that really is, from how his previous relationships are.

“What?” Lu Han asks, turning to him with curious expectation.

“Just thinking how different you are,” Jongdae says without thinking. Lu Han gives him a look. “Not in a bad way.”

“Like we said, you’re good for him,” Amber says, passing by and grabbing Lu Han’s empty glass.

“You all keep saying that,” Lu Han says with a laugh, looking after her.

“Because it’s true,” Chanyeol calls from down the table. “You are.”

“How?” Lu Han asks, still looking amused, laughing.

“He’s happy,” Soojung says immediately, and the decisive and automatic answer has a small punch to it that goes directly to Jongdae’s chest. From the look of it, it hits Lu Han as well. Soojung just looks at them both, as if they’re too slow on the uptake. “Genuinely.”

“Oh,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae realizes that he’s actually shy, slightly embarrassed. Lu Han doesn’t push, and the conversation continues, Lu Han throwing back Baekhyun’s jokes and laughing with Chanyeol. Jongdae sits at his side and banters with Baekhyun and ends up almost getting everyone roped into billiards before Kyungsoo tells them they all have to go home.

It’s fun, and Jongdae is still smiling with laughter when Lu Han’s hand closes around his own, pulling him back as everyone leaves. “See you Saturday?” he asks, and Jongdae doesn’t think before telling him yes and leaning in to kiss him. Neither does Lu Han pull away, instead kissing back and leaving him with a spoken ‘goodnight’ to his lips before he leaves.

Soojung is staring at him when Jongdae turns back to the curb outside the bar, feeling giddy and warm. “What?” he asks.

“I like him,” Soojung tells him.

“Because he’s good for me?” Jongdae prompts.

“No,” Soojung says slowly, and meets his eyes with a faint smile. “Because he cares so much about you. If he didn’t, he’d never have stuck this out.”

Those words hum around the edge of Jongdae’s mind as he lies in bed and checks his phone with the message from Lu Han and not Pervert and thinks that Soojung is right.


๑


It’s stunning, the stretch of sky above cast in a background of black and dark deep blues and purples, the soft swirls of grey and silver from the milky way stretching beyond the horizon in a mess of celestial pinpricks of endless sky. It’s breathtaking, intimidating on a speculative scale, and calming, the vast openness of the sky offering to put everything in perspective.

Jongdae isn’t sure why, but looking up at the stars that prickle through the darkness, he smiles and feels incredibly calm and happy. It’s been an extremely long time since he really got away, out of the city and it’s lights and noise and came to where light came only from above.

“You suck at this,” calls from down the small hill, a laugh following it and Jongdae lowers his eyes from the sky. Lu Han is looking back at him, a glass jar in his hand with small glowing lights all around him and a grin on his face. “I didn’t believe you when you said you’d never done this before, but now I see you grew up under a rock.”

“Opposed to fine city folk like you,” Jongdae tosses back, smile widening as he steps through the taller grasses and feels it brush against him, walking down the slope. All around them, in a sort of mimicry of the stars above, are little flares of light, soft fading glows from the tiny insects that drift past them. “Who were over exposed to everything and thus turned so dreadfully dull.”

“Terribly,” Lu Han agrees with a heavy sarcasm on his voice that makes Jongdae want to laugh. So he does, and looking over at Lu Han feels warm as the light from the fireflies brushes over his face, lighting up his eyes, shining.

Jongdae wasn’t lying when he answered Lu Han earlier that week over a rushed dinner that he’d never gone out to catch fireflies as a kid. Lu Han, rather than musing on it, had told him they were going to change that. Which brought them to here, now, with Jongdae in a light sweater that barely keeps out the early autumn chill and Lu Han catching bugs in jars with poked holes.

“How many of these do I need?” Jongdae calls, as he catches another firefly and tries to put it in his jar without letting the few he’s managed to capture escape. “I feel like there should be containment restrictions. Otherwise this is obviously animal cruelty.”

“Is this your new calling?” Lu Han calls back, hunched over a bush. “Firefly activist who appeals for the rights of glow bugs. It’ll be the new rage.”

“Someone has to look out for them,” Jongdae tells him and looks up to see Lu Han smiling again, shaking his head as he cups a firefly close to his face, the soft light dancing over his features.

He looks so soft, the starlight and brilliance from the half moon shining in his hair and on his skin and the fireflies giving a warm glow to him. For a moment, Jongdae pauses, standing and looking at him, and feeling that brief guilt about how few times he really stopped to look. He does so now, watching as Lu Han walks around the field and slips more fireflies into a jar carefully, feeling the soft measured heartbeats in his chest and holding onto this.

It’s strange, how even after years of feeling nervous and apprehensive, it’s changed. Jongdae still stands here looking at Lu Han and feeling his nerves twang, but he’s also happy, warm despite the cool air, and oddly content.

He doesn’t look at Lu Han and feel a rush of feeling, that surge of emotion. And when Lu Han looks over at him with a questioning look on his face, Jongdae doesn’t gasp at how his heart jumps. He just feels happy, and warm.

It’s a nice change, and Jongdae finds himself getting used to it incredibly quickly.

“How many?” Lu Han asks, stepping through the field as Jongdae is crouched among the grasses and watching as a firefly crawls up his hand, the touch soft as air. He’s warm, pressing into Jongdae’s side, and he doesn’t hesitate to lean into him. Lu Han’s arm that wraps around his waist is warm, fingers curling around his hip as he leans closer to him.

Glancing over, Jongdae lets himself laugh softly. “Not as many as you have,” he says, looking into Lu Han’s face just beside his, shadowed in moonlight and the soft firefly glow. “I thought you haven’t done this in years.”

“Yeah, well I guess I’m just a natural,” Lu Han says with a grin and leans in easily to press a soft kiss to Jongdae’s lips.

It doesn’t last, Lu Han pulling away easily, but it leaves Jongdae letting out a soft breath.

It’s easy, at the same time he knows they’re still fumbling. He wants to lean back in, to kiss Lu Han again, press their mouths together and melt to him, pull him closer and feel him push back, and make his heart pound in his chest for another reason than it already flutters for. It’s been a long hard grueling week, but Lu Han beside him makes him feel alive, awake and forgetting how tired he is.

It would be so easy to stay up all night with him, just them and the stars. It would be so easy to stay with him curled up under the stars and fall asleep, holding onto him and not caring if he was the one or not.

It’s strange, but in a nice way how he doesn’t think about it as much, how little he thinks about how Lu Han is his soul mate and instead thinks about just Lu Han.

“How many do you have then?” Jongdae asks instead, leaning a bit closer, and feeling his shoulder press gently into Lu Han’s. “I’m not as well versed in the semantics of catching fireflies.”

“As many as you want,” Lu Han tells him before looking up at the sky. “I’m going for a personal best and going to try to catch the night sky.”

Jongdae wrinkles his nose at him. “That was terrible,” he tells Lu Han and Lu Han smiles wide, still looking up at the sky. His eyes are shining, almost like they reflect all the starlight casting down on him.

“I know,” Lu Han says, standing up and pulling back, leaving Jongdae missing his warmth, wanting to follow. He’s still smiling as he looks down. “I said it just for you.”

“For the judgment? That’s masochistic of you,” Jongdae says, reaching up and taking Lu Han’s hand as it’s offered, letting their fingers slip together easily.

“Because your faces are always worth it,” Lu Han laughs, and with a gentle tug leads him back down the slope of the hill. “Speaking of which, if you had seen your face when I accidentally spilled that coffee on you-“

“Lu Han,” Jongdae warns, his stomach twisting.

“Priceless,” Lu Han continues, and lets out a laugh. He doesn’t look annoyed, or upset, but Jongdae can feel the twist in his stomach that isn’t amused. “I swear, I’ve never seen anyone make those kinds of faces before. I didn’t know anyone’s faces could do things like that before.” He’s smiling when he turns to Jongdae.

“Yeah, well,” Jongdae says, letting the warmth from their connected hands sooth the twist that is a residual guilt. “Have you seen what your own face does? You’re not allowed to make fun of me when your own face is all shades of terror inducing.”

“Is this a formal complaint?” Lu Han asks, looking back as they stroll through the tall grasses. “I don’t come with a refund, nor does my face.” He’s still smiling, the light of the moon catching on his lips, but Jongdae can see how the light in his eyes shivers.

It’s that which has him stopping, tugging Lu Han back by their connected hands. “Good,” he says, and means it, leaning in and kissing Lu Han firmly. It takes a pause, where Lu Han hesitates, and Jongdae pushes. It’s all it takes, and when Lu Han pushes back Jongdae can feel himself relax, softening the kiss to linger and last between their lips.

When Lu Han pulls away, it’s slowly and his eyes aren’t shivering. Jongdae is still holding his hand and isn’t going to let go. It’s taken him time, but he’s learning to not let go, and to hold on.

It works though, and Jongdae almost enjoys it more, the way that he’s learning more and more about Lu Han just from being with him, watching him, focusing on him. It’s another side of him that is spoken in touches, in soft movement and the more Jongdae wants to push.

It’s a little funny, how they started with Lu Han pushing him and stepping into his space and Jongdae stepped back. Now it’s Jongdae who’s calling, whose texting and who leans in and pushes. It’s not the same, they’re not the same, but with each step Jongdae finds out more things about Lu Han.

How Lu Han’s eyes light up at something he finds interesting, or funny, and how they shine in playfulness when he gets excited. How he wants to touch, always looks for it with a soft pause and hesitates, not sure if he can or not. He’s graceful, body moving with a fluidity Jongdae almost envies, but clumsy when fooling around and showing off, mind too scattered on everything to focus on what he’s actually doing.

There’s the past of him that’s now still guarded, that is waiting for Jongdae to push first and give him reassurance that this is what it is.

“Fifteen,” Jongdae tells him tugging Lu Han along in the night of stars and fireflies.

“Fifteen what?” Lu Han asks, following him and keeping close, a laugh in his voice, eased.

“Fifteen fireflies,” Jongdae tells him and spots the blanket they’d put out earlier when they’d arrived on the field. The jar in his hand is glowing faintly with the luminescent bugs inside. “I have fifteen fireflies with glowing butts inside my jar.”

Lu Han laughs, the sound startled out of him and Jongdae turns back to see his smile, stretching too wide on his face and thinks, with a jump, that he loves it. “Good for a first try,” Lu Han says, stepping to catch up and placing his jar down first on the edge of the blanket.

“How many do you have then?” Jongdae asks, putting down his own jar before turning to Lu Han with a pointedly raised eyebrow.

“I don't know,” Lu Han says and sighs, looking up at the sky. “I didn’t know we were done.”

“We’ve been catching fireflies for hours,” Jongdae tells him, pushing him back onto the blanket. “You can’t catch them all. They’re not pokemon.”

“Are you sure?” Lu Han asks, and the solid sound in his voice has Jongdae scoffing and shoving him. Lu Han lets out another laugh, letting Jongdae push him before he catches his hands and holds them, tugging him closer.

“Lu Han, what would you do with all the fireflies if you caught them?” Jongdae asks him, fighting down the laugh that bubbles in his throat.

“Not sure,” Lu Han says, and his hands are warm around Jongdae’s, his eyes soft and inviting as Jongdae steps closer into him. He can catch the faint smell of Lu Han’s cologne rising from his skin, feel the warmth from him as he moves closer, and see the way the light from the moon plays over Lu Han’s face. “I was considering putting them all down your pants, but figured you wouldn’t appreciate that as much as me.”

Jongdae doesn’t laugh at Lu Han’s mocking smile, his eyes dancing with stars of their own, alight with humor. “No,” he says firmly, sure to meet Lu Han’s gaze. “I would not appreciate that at all.”

“Shame,” Lu Han says, and sighs for effect as his thumbs gently stroke the backs of Jongdae’s hands. His voice is lowered, softer and Jongdae feels a soft shiver travel over his skin, wanting to lean in and feel Lu Han speak. “It would have been funny.”

“I can think of other more amusing things,” Jongdae comments, gaze flickering to Lu Han’s mouth. Lu Han’s eyes are darker when Jongdae meets them again. “We could shove them all down your pants for instance,” he suggests. “Down the back. Give you your very own glowing butt.”

“I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into my ass,” Lu Han teases, and the low curl in his voice has Jongdae feeling warm despite the chill in the air.

“Well, it’s small, so it doesn’t take significant pondering,” Jongdae sighs off, even as he shifts closer. Lu Han’s lips are quirked in a smile as Jongdae presses his own against them in a kiss. His lips are pliant as Jongdae kisses him, and there is only a brief moment before he’s kissing back, slow and easy, taking their time. It’s warm, the soft slide of their mouths together, Lu Han not pushing but responding to every advance Jongdae makes.

Jongdae nips, Lu Han nips back. Jongdae presses closer, his hands uncurling from Lu Han’s grip to press flat against Lu Han’s chest, and Lu Han’s hands slide up his arms, pulling him in as Jongdae eases forward. Jongdae tilts his head, angling to kiss deeper, and the drag of their tongues together has him letting out a sound that has Lu Han’s breath shuddering.

Jongdae pulls back, feeling light headed and flushed, with his lips tingling. Lu Han’s eyes are darker, looking back into his and his mouth is still parted, his hands resting just over Jongdae’s sides.

“That was nice,” Lu Han comments slowly, and his fingers dance along Jongdae’s sides, making warmth spike over his skin, threatening a gasp from his throat. He’s brought back to other times Lu Han has said this, with the same softness, and how he agrees with him.

“I know,” Jongdae says instead of the myriad of other things swimming in his head. “I’m glad you enjoyed it, too,” he adds, and smiles because it’s natural, and Lu Han lets out a breath of a laugh as he leans their foreheads together. Jongdae lets his arms slide around Lu Han’s neck, because he wants to.

He wants to do a lot of things, like lean in and suck Lu Han’s bottom lip into his mouth and listen for his gasp. He wants to skate his fingers down Lu Han’s chest, drag them over his abdomen and feel Lu Han’s fingers in his hair, to push them together until all he can feel is heat. He wants Lu Han.

It’s a little scary, because Jongdae still is getting used to wanting without having it be because of something else. But he wants Lu Han, so leans in and kisses him again, trying to tell Lu Han in a kiss rather than words that he’s not used to saying with this emotion behind them.

Instead, Lu Han pulls away, a smile and a low laugh coming from him as he steps back. For a brief moment, Jongdae thinks he’s leaving, then Lu Han takes his hands and leans in once more to kiss him softly at the corner of his jaw. “Lie down,” Lu Han tells him with humor dancing in his voice.

“Why?” Jongdae asks, even as he watches Lu Han pull away to stretch out on the blanket below him.

“Fine then,” Lu Han says, sighing and crossing his arms behind his head, looking up at him with an air of indifference. “Don’t lie down with me. Your loss, really.” He smiles, teeth flashing almost eerily white in the dim light. “You’re welcome to join though if you change your mind.”

Before, Jongdae may have tried to explain it away as a residual Pull that had him looking down at Lu Han and feeling yearning, wanting to fit with him and meld together all their inconsistencies. Now, Jongdae isn’t trying to fool himself as he leans down, picking up one of the jars full of lightning bugs and watches them lazily glow around the jar.

Lying down with a sigh, he can feel Lu Han watching him, eyes flickering and vibrant in the night as Jongdae holds the jar in his hand. It’s his turn to push, and he just has to trust Lu Han will pull him on his own. “Why do we catch them?” Jongdae asks, shifting on the blanket, closer.

Lu Han’s side is warm as he settles into it, curving towards him and their thighs brushing, Lu Han’s arm against his brushing a comforting tingle over him.

“It’s like catching memories, I guess,” Lu Han says, reaching over and laying his hand over the top of the jar, fingers brushing Jongdae’s. His breathing ghosts over the skin of Jongdae’s neck and the cool smell of autumn mixes with the gentle musk of Lu Han beside him.

“But you let them go,” Jongdae says, turning to Lu Han and their noses almost brush. “You keep memories.”

“They’re still going to be there,” Lu Han tells him, and his smile isn’t teasing, just gentle and slight as it spreads over his lips, his fingers trailing over Jongdae’s on the jar. “Some things don’t go away just because you let them go for a little bit.”

Lu Han’s eyes have a fire in them, not raging like Jongdae is used to seeing in others and not like the fire he saw when Lu Han was angry, the fury licking flames behind them. It’s more of a smoldering burn, and it makes the air come faster as his skin prickles. He sits up, putting aside the jar and knowing Lu Han’s eyes are following him.

When he turns back, Lu Han is still watching him, his hair falling back from his face and hand fallen to rest hot on Jongdae’s thigh. Jongdae wants to, so he leans over, fingers ghosting over the lines of Lu Han’s face, studying him. The soft curve of his lips, the slope of his nose, the arch of his brows and the almost delicate but sharpness of his face, all outlined under Jongdae’s gaze.

Jongdae doesn’t want to ask if Lu Han will go away if he lets go for a little bit. Jongdae doesn’t want to let go of him.

Jongdae wants to keep him, and that want is more than any other thing he’s felt before.

Lu Han’s lips part, his own eyes traveling over Jongdae, settling on his mouth for a long moment before they flicker up to meet his gaze. His hand raises, fingertips skating over Jongdae’s cheek before sliding into his hair, and it’s all Jongdae needs to lean down fully and kiss him.

It’s different, unhurried and exploring and between the tangling of tongues, the soft scrape of teeth and the gentle sounds that pass between them as hands slip over skin. It’s a hazy laziness, of just kissing and touching, Jongdae’s hands venturing to touch, taking his time as Lu Han kisses him and he kisses back, fingers traveling down to absorb the lines of Lu Han’s chest, firm and rising under his touch, his torso, his stomach, his sides, and teasing, wanting to touch.

“Can I?” Jongdae asks, voice low as if speaking too loud will break this slow exploration that has him dizzy.

Lu Han speaks into the curve of his neck where his mouth has been pressing leisurely burning kisses as his own fingers pull his shirt aside. “If you want,” he replies, the words fanning over his skin and making Jongdae shiver.

Lu Han’s skin is warm, and he presses his palms flat, almost greedily against it, moving closer and only then realizing he’s moved back, Lu Han and he on their sides. Jongdae lets out another soft sound as Lu Han bites gently at his throat, then soothes it away with his tongue and he returns in kind by letting his hands explore, shifting closer.

Lu Han doesn’t ask, instead his fingers teasing Jongdae’s skin, running along the exposed strip between his jeans and where his sweater has pulled up, until the skin is almost flaring with the touch. “Touch me,” Jongdae pants, his breathing too hot and fast as Lu Han mouths at his jaw. He kisses him to muffle his moan as Lu Han slides his hands over his skin.

It’s not the first time Jongdae has been touched, he and Lu Han touching before, but not like this. Jongdae is used to hurried touches, rushed progression and an end product of sex. This isn’t rushing, this is a slow burn curling in his core that wants to consume him, and his mind is buzzing with everything about the man he’s with. The overwhelming knowledge and presence of how personal this is, this it’s Lu Han with him and not simply frantic touches, has his blood hot.

It’s unrushed, and Jongdae wants to savor every touch, every kiss and every drag of fingernails over skin and he wants to push so hard until they’re both rushed into blinding feeling.

“Hey,” Lu Han says, catching his attention, breathing harder as his hands hold just under his ribs, strong and not enough. “Stop thinking so much,” he teases, a lighter brush to his words and Jongdae allows himself a smile, leaning into him and just letting go.

Jongdae doesn’t think about pushing, only the slide of skin against skin, the sounds that pull from Lu Han’s throat and sink into his ears and skin, rushing his pulse. He kisses hard and Lu Han kisses harder, pushing and pushing back, the warm shudder of Lu Han’s chest under his hands and mouth. Lu Han pants and Jongdae savors it as he crawls down Lu Han’s body, hands pushing up his shirt to the cool air and peppering kisses and bites down his chest.

The jerk and gasp as Jongdae bites into his skin has a thrill pushing through him, learning him and filing away information as he seeks more. The sound of his name on Lu Han’s lips isn’t a plea or a reprimand and it is only when Jongdae’s teeth graze at his hip that Lu Han pulls him back up.

He kisses him hard, arms pulling him in and wrapping him close, pressed together and legs twining with his, tangling them together. Lu Han’s hands are rougher, traveling down his back, teasing over his hips and waist, and taunting as Jongdae moans back up his sides.

“Tease,” Jongdae pants against Lu Han’s lips and gets a laugh. “You’re a terrible tease,” he continues, moving in to kiss again and sighing when Lu Han pulls back and, still with a soft laugh, gives him a soft peck rather than a real kiss.

“You’re one to talk,” Lu Han says, kissing the corner of his mouth as his hands pull Jongdae’s sweater back down, hot hands against the cool air on burning skin. “You’re the worst tease I’ve ever met.”

“You’ve met a lot of them?” Jongdae murmurs, trying to shift to capture Lu Han’s mouth again. Lu Han obliges him for a moment, kissing languid and deep before he breaks off and sighs, breath ghosting over Jongdae’s neck.

“None like you,” he says, and his eyes dance as he keeps them close, arms wound around each other. “But then, you’re on a whole new level of difficult.”

“I’m trying,” Jongdae says, and means it. He’s still thrumming, the tingling over his skin still present and the ache in his groin not diminishing and he can still feel, almost hear, Lu Han’s own forced stillness. He’s trying, and where Lu Han didn’t push him before, he’s trying not to push now.

It’s still there, a small piece of distrust that he wants to pull out despite how he put it there. They’re still working things out a little, even if Jongdae wishes they weren’t.

The soft pleasant hum under his skin doesn’t fade, instead melting into a dull thrum that seems to vibrate within him as he lies under the stars with Lu Han, curled up with him and slowly letting his hands travel. Lu Han lets out soft hums and gentle sounds of appreciation, eyes flickering between closed and shut, the two of them chatting quietly.

Time doesn’t really seem to matter out here, under the night sky with each other to keep warm. Jongdae doesn’t realize what time it is until Lu Han finally shifts, sitting up and leaving Jongdae feeling cold, but oddly content. It's not strange to lean up and drape over his back, wrap his arms around his shoulders and burrow his face into Lu Han’s neck and breathe in. It’s easy to close his eyes and let himself drift, lost in the sound and feeling of Lu Han breathing with him, lulling into contentment and that strengthening feeling of happiness.

It feels too soon when Lu Han pulls him up, and only when he’s standing does he realize he’s stiff and tired. Lu Han is already releasing the fireflies, watching them fly off into the night.

“What time is it?” Jongdae asks, gathering up the blanket.

“Late,” Lu Han tells him, then smiles as he looks at Jongdae, knowing the comeback at the tip of his tongue. “Past eleven.”

“Shit,” Jongdae mumbles, pressing the heel of his palm into his eye and grimacing. He hadn’t realized it had become that late.

“Your area probably isn’t safe around this time,” Lu Han mused, holding the jars in his hands and looking at him. “You know, bad district and all.”

“Well, I hardly think sleeping in a field is much better,” Jongdae says with a look around their surroundings.

“You could stay over.” Lu Han isn’t looking at him when Jongdae looks over, instead looking out over the field. Once, Jongdae may have thought he looked distant, now he can see the lines at the corners of his mouth are hesitant, waiting, and apprehensive.

Jongdae swallows down the small surge in his stomach. “Are you propositioning me?”

“That depends,” Lu Han says and looks over, the apprehension gone. “Do you want me to?”

Jongdae laughs, and it lets Lu Han smile, relaxing as Jongdae steps forward and shoves him back, lingering for a moment as their eyes lock and Lu Han’s are soft. It makes the feeling of warmth that has wrapped around him swell and push in him, has him wanting to reach over the entire ride home and touch.

It’s well after midnight when they get in, Lu Han looking tired as they get to his place and he pulls Jongdae inside with him. “You could sleep on the couch-“

“Lu Han,” Jongdae almost punches him, and almost forgets to keep his voice down.

“-but I can promise my bed is more comfortable,” Lu Han finishes with a tired grin. “Minseok is at his girlfriend’s place, but if I let you sleep in his bed, he might murder you.”

“Or you,” Jongdae comments, following Lu Han into the apartment, eyes trailing over his form from behind.

“Nah,” Lu Han says, pulling Jongdae into his room and laying a sleepy kiss to his lips. “He likes me. You, on the other hand, he’s not quite warmed up to.”

“I thought he liked me,” Jongdae protests, letting his arms settle around Lu Han and leaning into him.

“Marginally,” Lu Han offers. “Try coffee,” he adds, before letting out a soft sound as Jongdae presses a kiss into his neck, the warm skin soft under his lips. He can feel the hum against his lips and does it again, the feeling of Lu Han’s fingers curling into his sides egging him on. “We should get ready to sleep,” Lu Han murmurs, and Jongdae feels his fingers card through his hair.

Jongdae lets go only when Lu Han slaps him gently on the side, pressing a kiss below his ear. The shirt Lu Han tosses him is too large, and Jongdae quietly enjoys how Lu Han’s eyes linger on him as he sees him in it, the loose shirt showing more off of him than it might off of Lu Han. The ends of Lu Han’s hair are damp from the bathroom when Lu Han pulls him into bed and wraps his arms around him with a sigh.

There is a part of Jongdae that wants to push, the heat from before still simmering, waiting to be reawoken. But, looking into Lu Han’s tired face resting so close to his, Jongdae can’t conjure the need to push them to hard.

“I’m not expecting anything,” Lu Han murmurs to him, voice thick with sleep as his arms tighten briefly.

“Good,” Jongdae says, and feels a tremble of relief. Jongdae is used to wanting things, wanting people, and it’s a little new to realize all the ways that he can want Lu Han. Lying here, curled together, Jongdae can feel himself getting heavy, content, and he wants this, too. “But I don’t object,” he adds, mumbled in the quiet.

Neither of them say goodnight, Lu Han only shifting to kiss Jongdae once more before Jongdae tucks himself closer and breathes in to calm down. Lu Han’s bed is comfortable, probably far more than the couch, and Jongdae is asleep before he means to be, lulled by the soft sound of Lu Han’s heart beat against his ear and holding onto something he cares about.


๑


“This is cute,” drags Jongdae from his slumber, blinking and muddling through the sunlight and drowsy feeling of warmth and comfort. “I’m glad I could come home to this.”

Blinking, Jongdae looks into Lu Han’s chest, and has to blink very purposefully before it properly is in focus. During the night, Lu Han’s shirt had pulled up, or Jongdae had pushed it up, and smooth skin and firm muscle had been Jongdae’s pillow. Lu Han himself is grimacing, looking horrifically tired with a hand over his eyes and wild hair, one arm still around Jongdae’s shoulders.

“Why are you here?” Lu Han gruffs out and for a moment Jongdae thinks he’s addressing him before he hears a light laugh at the door.

“Morning wake up call,” Minseok says, leant against the door and looking casually amused and very awake in his proper clothing. “Plus, I wouldn’t miss this charming image.”

“Take a picture,” Jongdae says, glimpsing the clock on Lu Han’s table that reads not even nine yet. Far too early for a Sunday. “For your scrapbook about us.”

Lu Han’s hand drops from his eyes and he lets out a rough chuckle, voice scratchy with sleep and the tingle over Jongdae’s skin tells him how much he likes the sound. He smiles, shifting closer and laying back into Lu Han, almost sighing in contentment as Lu Han’s hand brushes through his hair.

“Long night?” Minseok asks, and his voice is kinder than Jongdae remembers it. Granted that may be due to how he’s not telling him off for being a bastard, but Jongdae will pick things apart later.

“Fireflies,” Lu Han says, waving a distracted hand. “Jars were involved and Jongdae lives in a dangerous place. We’re tired.”

“I can see that,” Minseok says, and there is a definite amused curl to his lips.

“Yes, well, go away,” Lu Han grumbles and rolled over, resulting in him nearly squashing Jongdae and putting his back to Minseok, who is laughing. “Morning,” he mumbles, eyes cracking open to look at Jongdae, a sleepy smile on his lips, before he wraps his arms around him and buries his face into the bed.

Jongdae can only laugh, not awake enough to shove Lu Han off or properly complain about Lu Han trapping him under his weight, and not tired enough to want to shove him off. “Morning,” he returns, letting his arms pull around Lu Han even at the slightly awkward angle and earning a muffled moan from Lu Han.

“Just a heads up, Jongdae,” Minseok calls from the door and earning a groan from Lu Han. “He needs about an hour before he’s remotely tolerable.”

Jongdae just flashes him a thumbs up, feeling that Minseok probably doesn’t dislike him as much as Lu Han might have implied the previous evening.

“He’s lying,” Lu Han mumbles into the bed, still unmoving and reminiscent of a very useless rock slab. “’s only thirty minutes.”

“Glad to know I’ll be suffocated until then,” Jongdae says, keeping his voice quiet.

“Yep,” Lu Han says and Jongdae can see the peek of a smile from where he’s burrowed under the pillows. He yelps when Jongdae pokes him firmly in the side to get off him and then glares reproachfully when Jongdae looks at him evenly. “Is that how it’s going to be?” he asks, and leans back on his elbows, one eyebrow raised.

“Yes,” Jongdae says and ends up laughing, batting back as Lu Han beats him half heartedly with his pillow before rolling them both back into the blankets.

Dizzy and breathless, Jongdae looks up at the sleep lined face of Lu Han with bright eyes amid the morning sunlight, and can’t stop smiling.


๑


Sweaty palms is a horrible, disgusting, and unsettling thing and there’s no proper way of dealing with them. Wiping them on trousers is generally a dead giveaway of nerves, and most people zone in on it like sharks by a fish cannery. Ignoring them never seems to work extremely well, as almost always shaking hands somehow gets dragged into things and then everyone is uncomfortable. Worst is the overall dread that someone will approach and the need to apologize for having sweaty palms just to avoid embarrassment will just make things worse.

Jongdae hasn’t had to deal with worrying about if his palms are sweaty in nervous apprehension in a long while, and worrying about it now isn’t helping. He’s already spent all morning working through paperwork and filing for the newest release of album material they have going around and he needs to get more done if he wants to not bring it home. Granted, if this meeting goes well, he will have that option of either putting it off or taking it home and finishing it.

If the meeting goes badly, Jongdae will once more be carting around his resume and Kyungsoo will be giving him significant looks over cups of strongly brewed tea.

At this point, Jongdae will hope that Chanyeol has mercifully spiked it, considering Kyungsoo’s reaction to most alcohol in excess is drowsy mumbles and cuddling. This is fortunate, considering in high school he had the highest bet on being a violent lunatic should he ever be exposed to substances.

For the benefit of most of mankind, this ended up not being the case.

Jongdae might feel a little pathetic that he’s musing about Kyungsoo’s reactions to alcohol rather than the clock on the wall ticking down to his potential excommunication from his company, but he rationalizes no one needs to know. Beside him, he can feel the other interns, all shifting horrible and looking unhelpfully nervous, stiffen as they wait.

At the front of the room, Hyo is standing with a clipboard and looking intimidating with her blond dyed hair pulled up in a very messy knot at the top of her head. It’s very floppy and Jongdae hopes he can make fun of it in a few hours rather than never see it again.

The clock ticks five past the hour, and Jongdae gives up and sticks his hands into his pockets to try to rid them of his nervous sweat. Breathing through his nose, he closes his eyes and tries to count down from one hundred, thinking of anything but the coming evaluation.

Thinking of Baekhyun and Zitao and how they both seemed wary and speculative of each other and the bachelor party plans that their friends were making. (This wasn’t entirely necessary seeing as Kyungsoo didn’t want people throwing up and Jongdae already was vetoed from buying strippers on pain of death from Zitao).

Thinking of his brother’s phone call a few days ago announcing to Jongdae that he was going to be an uncle in eight months, something he was still reeling from.

Thinking of Chanyeol’s recent promotion at his own firm and how he’d celebrated by taking them all out only to leave them all unsupervised as he and Kyungsoo disappeared for a few hours and came back rumpled and looking extremely shifty. Kyungsoo had glared at them all to avoid catcalling and only Baekhyun had been brave (or drunk) enough to actually do it anyway.

Thinking of spending evenings at Lu Han’s and curling close and Lu Han’s laughter when they attempted to cook together last week.

Thinking of Lu Han sprawled on his bed and telling him he was perfectly willing to allow him the floor and laughing when Jongdae kicked him off, a mess of limbs and a smiling face before he hauled Jongdae down with him. How Lu Han had teased him mercilessly until Jongdae told him about his own fears after Lu Han admitted a few of his own.

The feeling of Lu Han’s arms slipping around his waist to claps gently over his stomach and press hard, fitting snug against his back as he sighed, coaxing Jongdae to do the same. Breathe he could almost hear him say, and Jongdae did.

Opening his eyes, Jongdae felt a bit calmer, the tingling along his skin faint and quiet but present, and he kept his smile to himself with the thought of Lu Han there, with him, and whispering encouragement into his ear. Well, encouragement and teasing observation, of the other interns, of Hyo, and of Jongdae himself.

Jongdae had to school his face as he remembered Lu Han’s stock still face when he’d seen Jongdae pull out his suit for the evaluation before he told him in a dead serious voice he looked too much like a grandfather already and this was too far.

Now, Jongdae has to bite his lip to keep from laughing at bit at the memory. The door at the end of the room opens and Jongdae straightens his back, holding his breath and composure as their CEO of Twined Pendulums walks in and looks at them all appraisingly.

Jongdae manages to exchange a brief look with Hyo, one that she apparently makes more significant by arching an eyebrow as if to say talk and I’ll whip your ass, twerp. There is also a hint of a smile though, and Jongdae feels a little lighter.

“Well,” the CEO says, taking off his glasses slowly, with measured precision as he looks at them all with tired but authoritative eyes. “You’ve all been here for the standard training period for our company, under the watchful eye of our supervisors who have reported on your progress, your performance, and whether you are believed suitable for the position of full time, or not.”

Beside Jongdae, one of the interns gulps.

The CEO’s eyes flash along the line of young men and women before him. His eyes catch on Jongdae, and something in his stomach jolts with apprehension.

Then their CEO smiles, and Hyo’s mouth slants in a smirk, and Jongdae’s relief slams into him so hard he can’t stop smiling as he hears his name called among those offered to remain.

“See?” Hyo asks as she passes him his official name card and lanyard. “Aren’t you glad I was so hard on you now?”

“Not really,” Jongdae tells her, and his smile widens as she laughs. “Though I suppose I should say thank you.”

“Thank yourself,” Hyo says with a sly tilt to her grin. “You were the one that put in the work. I just shoved you around a bit.” She wags a finger at him. “But don’t get cocky on me, or I’ll be on your ass so fast you’ll wish it was on fire.”

“I’ll do my best,” Jongdae tells her, and is a little surprised, and pleased, to realize how strongly he means it.

Hyo simply smiles, and the pride on her face makes Jongdae feel just a little bit taller.


๑


“I’m just saying, if you did hire strippers then you can tell me and I won’t judge you. I know they’re for Baekhyun and not for you but I may have to do a thorough body check when you get back.”

Jongdae laughs into the receiver, shaking his head as he walks up the front steps to Kyungsoo’s house. “I promised Zitao there wouldn’t be strippers, so there aren’t strippers. Plus, I would have told you if I was going to be surrounded by naked men.”

“Naked men for hire are different than naked men you know,” Lu Han muses back to him over the phone. “I have zero faith in Baekhyun not stripped as his last night as an unmarried man.”

“Kyungsoo is going to be there,” Jongdae reminds him, trying very hard not to laugh as he repositions the bag in his other hand, trying to get circulation back into his fingers.

“Exactly,” Lu Han says darkly. “Who is going to keep an eye on you from stripping once Baekhyun starts. I know you two have a history and he’s a terrible influence on you.”

Jongdae can’t stop laughing. “Lu Han,” he tries to scold but it loses all weight amid his laughter.

“Zitao is good for him,” Lu Han continues, a little softer, almost contemplative. “I bet Zitao has strippers.” Jongdae starts laughing again, wanting to put a hand over his brow and just try to calm down but he’s holding a huge bag of suggestive party decorations and very unhealthy food. “You’re a terrible best man for not getting him strippers when his fiancé probably has them.”

“Zitao doesn’t have strippers,” Jongdae tries to dissuade him.

“I’m still doing a full body search on you when you get back,” Lu Han tells him, and the smile is evident in his voice.

“There won’t be strippers,” Jongdae tells him, feeling heat creep over his face at the thought of Lu Han stripping him down and running his hands over him, pressing fingers into skin, lips against his, down his chest, over his stomach, ghosting over his-

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to thoroughly investigate you for damages,” Lu Han tells him. “Or just a full body check. Perhaps a cavity search.”

Jongdae’s laughter is chocked as his face heats, hotter as he tries to control the mental images of himself with Lu Han from the other night and hang up and open the door all at once. Needless to say, he was having difficulty.

“You’re right,” Lu Han comments when Jongdae’s laughter has faded a little. “I should trust you, or something like that.”

“Yes,” Jongdae tells him, wedging his phone onto his shoulder so he can reach up to knock on the door, thinking wisely that if he kicks it, Kyungsoo may cut off his leg. “You should trust me. I trust me.”

“I’m delighted to hear you have such faith in yourself.”

Behind the door, Jongdae can hear the sound of someone approaching. From the volume and enthusiasm of the footfalls, it’s Chanyeol. “I have to go,” Jongdae tells Lu Han, shifting to take his phone from his shoulder. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Alright, go get trashed and make sure Baekhyun can’t stand or hold onto things to stay upright,” Lu Han tells him. “Be a good best man and destroy him like best men are supposed to.”

“I love you too,” Jongdae says, and hangs up before he can feel nervous about those words and how much he means them. Chanyeol does open the door, smiling wide and looking bright and excited, immediately helping Jongdae with his bags of party shit before excusing himself.

“I thought you were helping us set up,” Jongdae says, confused as Chanyeol makes to push past him, out of the home.

“I have to go pick up a few things,” Chanyeol says, waving a hand but still smiling. “I’ll be back in a bit, before Baekhyun gets here.” He lets out a soft laugh, glancing into the house. “Go help Kyungsoo. He’s getting too particular about streamers.”

Jongdae almost opens his mouth to tell him that he can go out and take care of those errands, how Chanyeol would probably be better use to Kyungsoo regarding hanging things in high places. Then he shrugs, turns, and goes to find Kyungsoo frowning at streamers that are obnoxiously neon and entirely indecent.”

“I have decided I am never participating in another bachelor party as long as I am alive and lucid,” Kyungsoo says darkly, staring at the streamers that have little prints of dicks on them.

“What about when you get married?” Jongdae asks, reaching into his supply bag and pulling out his own decorations. Most of them are party favors and food and very pornographic candies. “I thought I was already going to be your man of honor and we were going to take you pole dancing.”

“I changed my mind,” Kyungsoo says, looking grim. “I am going to make you all watch documentaries on the human body with me as punishment for anything you might attempt to make me do.”

“Baekhyun will enjoy that,” Jongdae laughs, beginning to set up the room as Kyungsoo begins to hang penis streamers around his usually decent living room.

“Baekhyun will be pointedly not included,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “I don’t need his assessment of how the elbow could technically be considered a euphemism.”

“What else do we have Baekhyun for though?” Jongdae jokes, looking up at Kyungsoo as he teeters on a step stool. Really, it would have made far more sense if Chanyeol had stayed and helped.

“Target practice,” Kyungsoo says, but there is a fondness to his slow smile. “For darts.”

“He’ll be delighted to know his second best man has such deep and sentimental care for him,” Jongdae says, chuckling to himself as he leafs through his small collection of CD’s and muses over what will be suitable for a bunch of people celebrating Baekhyun getting hitched but also allowed in the place Kyungsoo and Chanyeol call their home. He settles on bassy electronica.

“That’s why you’re here tonight,” Kyungsoo says, sighing and stepping down to reposition the step stool to hand more streamers. “To make sure we don’t decide that he’s more fun than the dart board after most of our judgment has been clouded by alcohol.”

“I’ll try my best,” Jongdae tells him, smiling back and Kyungsoo pauses, one hand holding the step stool and the other the roll of streamers. Jongdae raises his eyebrows. “You hired the strippers, right?”

Immediately Kyungsoo’s face darkens again. “Jongdae, we’re not having strippers.”

“Kyungsoo, what kind of people are we if we don't have strippers for Baekhyun?” Jongdae says seriously, letting his hands fall and an expression of outright dismay and annoyance play over his face, watching Kyungsoo’s emotions war on his face. He sighs, letting his head drop and eyes close to adopt a pinched expression. “Did you still have that hotline number at least?”

“Jongdae!” Kyungsoo raises his voice and it takes all Jongdae has not to start laughing. “We are not having strippers in my house! On my furniture.”

“Baekhyun would get your strippers for your bachelor party,” Jongdae throws back and watches with amusement masked by irritation as Kyungsoo appears to have a small horribly repressed fit. “Kyungsoo, we’re his best men-“

“We agreed no strippers with Zitao and there will be absolutely no strippers and- oh fuck you!” Kyungsoo throws the roll of penis streamers at Jongdae looking livid but also amused as Jongdae finally cracks and bursts out laughing. “You’re a horrible person. I did not need that.”

“Your face was amazing,” Jongdae tells him, still laughing as he continues to set up. “That was so worth it.” His shoulder stings a bit from where the streamers clipped it but he tosses back the roll regardless as he goes to check on their food supplies for later.

“Baekhyun keeps saying Lu Han is a good influence on you, but I think he’s wrong, you’re worse than ever,” Kyungsoo grumbles, dropping the step stool and going back to taping the streamers around.

“I dunno,” Jongdae muses, a smile on his face and feeling brighter, happier, and the bubble of incessant laughter in his chest. “I don’t think he’s so bad.”

Kyungsoo just raises an eyebrow and Jongdae lets himself smile. Kyungsoo’s other eyebrow raises when Jongdae pushes a drink into his hands, freshly made and holding one of his own. “We’re in for a long night,” Jongdae tells him, thinking of their attendance list and the stuff they have planned. “You’re going to want that in your system in an hour.”

Kyungsoo just sighs and takes the drink, taking a long drag just as Chanyeol arrives back, arms full of the last of snack food and holding what is supposed to be a cake for everyone. “They were out of the special penis cupcakes,” Chanyeol announces loudly from the hall and Kyungsoo visibly winces.

“Sacrifices will be made,” Kyungsoo mutters before taking another gulp of his drink and finally looking up at Jongdae and smiling at him.

“Don’t do that too much,” Jongdae tells him, taking the now empty glass from Kyungsoo and reaching forward to ruffle his hair. Kyungsoo looks ready to glare. “Better. If you smile too much Baekhyun might not trust that we didn’t get him naked men to dance on him.”

“We aren’t getting him strippers?” Chanyeol asks, looking slightly dismayed as he walks into the main room and holding another bag of party crap. “But I got all this confetti-“

“I’m going to-“

Chanyeol lets out a yelp of a laugh as Kyungsoo throws the almost finished streamer roll at him. Jongdae catches Kyungsoo’s face though, and he’s smiling as Chanyeol continues to laugh, clearly delighted with himself as Kyungsoo stalks him to the kitchen with an air of menace despite the amused smile tugging at his mouth.

A soft quack sounds from across the room.

Lu Han: 8:52 – Are you drunk yet?

Jongdae lets out a soft laugh and types back a mess of letters, numbers and symbols that all make absolutely no sense, giving himself some time before he has to go check on the kitchen. His phone quacks again and Jongdae checks the message back.

Lu Han: 8:53 – You didn’t even try that time. I’m docking you points.

I wasn’t aware there were points involved.

Lu Han: 8:54 – There are. It’s a new system that I’ll be using as I check in on you all night. For my own amusement.

Jongdae chuckles and shakes his head, leaning against the couch. I’m turning off my phone.

Lu Han: 8:55 – Spoil sport :P Have fun~ If you take body shots off people at the bar later, remember to tip them properly.

So I can take body shots off people but I can’t be around strippers?

Lu Han: 8:55 - I don't trust strippers around you

Rude.

Lu Han: 8:56 – I know. Make yourself less tempting and distracting then I won’t have to bother worrying all the time about people attempting to molest you. That’s my job.

“Is that Lu Han?” startles Jongdae to look up from his phone. Kyungsoo is standing a few feet away, holding a bowl of chips and clearly having just put down a bowl of salsa. Jongdae hadn’t even realized he’d come in, too absorbed in his phone.

“Yeah,” Jongdae answers, snapping his phone shut just as another message buzzes in. “Why?” he asks, making to stand up and make himself more useful than chatting with his boyfriend.

“Just-“ Kyungsoo takes a moment to put down the bowl of chips before he straightens, looking at Jongdae carefully, almost studying him. “It’s cute. You’re cute.”

“Cute,” Jongdae repeats back, trying to think of himself and Lu Han. The last time Kyungsoo had seen them together, Lu Han had him in a headlock and was attempting to shove his fist into his mouth to prove it was the only way to get him to shut up. “Yeah, we’re fucking adorable as bunnies in spring.” He has the strong urge to roll his eyes.

“You are though,” Kyungsoo says and his voice gives Jongdae pause. “Not in a typical way, but in your way.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?” Jongdae asks, and Kyungsoo sighs, looking like he wants to frown at him or pull his hair.

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and steps back, shaking his head. The line of tension in his shoulders hasn’t gone away, and the sudden break from the conversation reminds Jongdae of what they’re supposed to be doing. “I guess not.”

Jongdae feels for a moment as if he’s missing something, but shrugs it off as there is another knock on the door.

“Oh shit,” says Kyungsoo and glances at the clock on the wall. Jongdae doesn’t get the chance to open the door to let in the guest before Baekhyun does it himself, waltzing in and looking all to ready for a party to being.

“Which one of you is getting me a drink?” Baekhyun asks, without even the briefest of formal hellos or proper greetings. “And when are the strippers getting here?”

“After you’re too drunk to touch them,” Chanyeol tells him, coming in and getting a grin.

“Well, that seems best,” Baekhyun says with a firm nod. “Then I’ll be too drunk to remember them and thus Zitao and I will have kept our promise.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, walking up and clapping his best friend on the shoulder. “That’s exactly how it’s going to work. Now let’s get you something to drink.”

“I like this party already,” Baekhyun says with a grin, smiling around at his three friends. “You even got me penis streamers. How fitting.”

It takes another hour before everyone gets there, and as the noise level increases, so does the alcohol volume. This Kyungsoo forgetting to be responsible and instead laughing on the couch with Baekhyun sprawled next to him, both of them in horrible party hats. Jongdae thinks it’s going quite splendidly.

Food is kept in good supply by both himself and Chanyeol, as Amber and Daehyun and Baekbeom all make contributions and some of Baekhyun’s other friends argue over music. It isn’t until when it’s nearly midnight and Baekhyun has been singing along to everything incorrectly and Chanyeol begins rounding them all up to go to the bar that Jongdae checks his phone again.

There are a few messages from Lu Han, the last two reading I imagine you’re having much more fun than I am and expect a full story. Hangovers don’t count as excuses I’m living vicariously through you. followed by It’s movie night and Minseok and his girlfriend have the worst taste in movies and won’t let me in their movie nest. :c

I can hear your suffering from here Jongdae texts back, before letting himself get swept along with the crowd putting on jackets as Baekhyun loudly demands if there will be strippers where they’re going.

“Yes!” Kyungsoo shouts from the back where he’s leaning heavily on Baekhyun and looking completely wasted. “There will be amazing strippers there, all on poles and dancing. Shut up, you cow!”

“Poles,” Baekhyun giggles before Amber catches his other side and laughs. Baekhyun snorts loudly, burying his face into her neck and wheezing with laughter as she helps steer both him and Kyungsoo down the hall. “Poles!”

“Well, at least he’s having fun,” Chanyeol comments, stepping to Jongdae’s side as they near the back of the group, taking up the rear. Amber appears to be leading the front, her and Baekhyun both with fists raised valiantly in the air as if heralds into battle as they sing two completely different songs together.

“That’s the whole point, isn’t it?” Jongdae asks, feeling a bit fuzzy and a little light headed, but the pleasant hum of alcohol in his veins has him happy and smiling, a good buzz. “This is supposed to be a fun night for him. To be happy.”

Chanyeol’s smile curves, and his eyes are shining a bit, glazed with drink. “He’s not the only one happy.”

“Well, good,” Jongdae says, not sure where Chanyeol is going with these general statements of his. “People should be happy. Like you. And me.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says, and his tone is softer, more contemplative than it should be for alcoholism. “It’s nice to see you finally letting yourself be happy,” he continues and Jongdae’s fingers brush along the outline of his phone in his pocket. “Considering you didn’t for so long.”

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae asks, wanting to laugh it off and not think about this and just let it go as Chanyeol being drunk.

“You and Lu Han,” Chanyeol tells him, and his smile is a little too big and obvious for Jongdae to handle when his last drink starts kicking in. “He makes you happy. It’s so easy to see.” He laughs, loud and rich and stupid. “Maybe we’ll be doing this for you next.”

“Or Kyungsoo,” Jongdae adds, a tumble in his tummy he’s not ready for.

Chanyeol looks like he’s about to say something but then Baekhyun is yelling about how if they need an extra pole dancer, he’s willing to sacrifice himself and Amber is laughing so hard she drops him. “Well shit,” Chanyeol says instead of something meaningful and Jongdae laughs as he goes to find Baekhyun sitting on the ground and looking delighted to be there.

“I’m getting murried,” Baekhyun mumbles into Jongdae’s shoulder as he uses him as an ambulant walking stick. “To Zitao.”

“Yep,” Jongdae tells him, patting his smiling friend on the head as Baekhyun smiles dreamily at everything.

“He’s an awesome stripper,” Baekhyun tells him in slurs and Jongdae considers himself the absolute best man as he walks with Baekhyun the rest of the way to the bar hearing exactly how good of a stripper Zitao happens to be.

I hope I don’t remember some things from tonight Jongdae texts Lu Han as they get to the bar and he unleashes Baekhyun into the foray. I know too many things about Zitao now.

Lu Han texts him back laughing emoticons and a winking face and Jongdae laughs himself before Kyungsoo drags him determinately to the dance floor so they can ‘supervise’ Baekhyun and ensure he doesn’t tried to proposition people. Or objects.

Jongdae is very sure they’ve done an excellent job of a bachelor party when he sees the endless smile on Baekhyun’s face.


๑


It might be a little too late in the season, the days short and the people gathering dissipating in number and enthusiasm. It’s luckily been unnaturally warm for the last few weeks and perhaps it’s that which has the lingering sunlight feeling warm against skin.

“We’re not going to have enough light,” Jongdae comments, looking over the stretch of the lake before them and watching the way the orange light lights the distant trees on fire. “So much for leisure.”

“Well then we can just enjoy how many people will go home and leave us by ourselves,” Lu Han says, looking completely unconcerned as he drops the blanket in his arms into a heap at his feet. “It’ll be more interesting.”

“Why, it’ll be colder,” Jongdae rationalizes and can feel the coolness of the shadows around his feet. It’s still warm now, but once it gets dark, it’ll get cold and something about lying around in wet clothing in the open air isn’t terribly appealing.

“That's why we share body heat and survive like our ancestors,” Lu Han tells him, walking up with a grin and giving him a firm slap on the ass. It would make Jongdae react a bit more if his hand didn’t linger, dragging up from stinging skin to flutter under the hem of his shirt and press an almost apology to the small of his back.

“Of course, how silly of me,” Jongdae scrutinizes as Lu Han pulls away, tugging his shirt over his head easily. Jongdae doesn’t stare, he appreciates as he watches the muscles of Lu Han’s back flex and stretch, the long curve of his neck twisting as he angles to throw his shirt back to their blanket. He can see the cooler air prickling along the lines of Lu Han’s skin, tempting him to reach out and run his hands along it, pressing the warmth to his palms.

“Well, you are very silly,” Lu Han says with a look back at him. “You’re still dressed, which is just proof. C’mon and hurry up or we will be night swimming, and then we may as well be skinny dipping.”

“Ah ha,” Jongdae says, looking pointedly at Lu Han as he pulls his shirt over his head. The soft nip of the chillier air against his skin has him shiver a bit, but whether it’s from the cold or the sweeping look Lu Han gives him, he’s not sure. “You just wanted to see me naked. I see now.”

Lu Han laughs, and takes Jongdae’s shirt, throwing it away. “No,” he says, stepping closer to shove him down the sandier grass towards the waters edge. He leans in and Jongdae can feel the warmth of his body seep into him from the back, Lu Han’s lips grazing his ear. “If I wanted to see you naked I wouldn’t have asked you to go swimming,” he murmurs low, so only Jongdae can hear and it has his breath jump. “Or I’d have pulled down your pants already and laughed at you.”

Jongdae makes to turn around, mouth open to protest and about to raise his hand and shove Lu Han, when there is a push to his shoulder and he’s tumbling, unbalanced. He lets out a yelp and it gets swallowed with the shocking cold of water as he falls into it, Lu Han’s laughter ringing around him.

“Asshole,” Jongdae spits, pushing himself from the water and sending a wave of water to Lu Han who is far too pleased with himself judging from his face. “You could have warned me.”

“That’s not fun though,” Lu Han tells him and Jongdae is removed the option of jumping up to tackle him into the lake when Lu Han hurls himself in as well with a great whoop. Sputtering and shaking his head from the fresh splash of water, Jongdae does the most practical thing he can do when Lu Han resurfaces.

He grabs him by the head and dunks him back under, laughing as Lu Han sputters and flails, nearly catching him in the jaw with a fist.

“What kind of soul mate are you, trying to drown me,” Lu Han accuses, resurfacing and glaring at him, the light from the sunset shining on his shoulders and making them glisten with water as his hair lies wet about his face, sticking.

“Yours,” Jongdae throws back easily with a splash of water. “What else did you expect?”

“Nothing, really,” Lu Han says, grinning as he shifts away from Jongdae’s water attack with ease and bubbling at him in the water. Jongdae pauses, looking at him and wondering for a moment how serious he is, before Lu Han grins and suddenly ducks under water, disappearing.

“Shit,” Jongdae says, trying to see Lu Han in the water and glancing around frantically. He’s all prepared for the tug at his ankle, tugging him under and ready to kick Lu Han if he has to. He isn’t prepared for Lu Han to suddenly leap onto his back and tackle him with a loud yell and drag them both under water.

It’s been an age since Jongdae had gone swimming, and even in the cool water and the cooling air, knowing that he’s getting cold, Jongdae can’t help but laugh and play as Lu Han breathlessly try to essentially drown each other. Jongdae can’t stop laughing, even sputtering in the water as he gets pushed under it, and only pauses as Lu Han sneaks forward and kisses him.

The sunset is streaking over the hills, the leaves shuddering in the trees as the last reds and pinks streak in the clouds above them and Lu Han’s mouth slides over his hot and wet, his fingers tracing along Jongdae’s jaw. Jongdae is already panting from swimming and grappling with Lu Han, pulse racing and alive under his skin and he opens completely, the warm slide of Lu Han to him chests brushing, has him gasping.

It’s a strange contrast, the heat of Lu Han, almost dizzying against the cool of the water as he laps around them. Lu Han pulls away, mouth swelling and eyes lit up as he smiles. It leaves Jongdae buzzing, wanting him back, wanting them pressed together, to feel Lu Han again, to push his hands into his damp hair and pull him down and lick into his mouth.

“Tease,” he jeers instead, splashing another wave at Lu Han.

“Well, you were the one who turned up your nose at skinny dipping,” Lu Han shrugged back, easily sending back a wave of water. “Not my fault.”

“There are children here,” Jongdae retorts, jerking his head towards the shore. Lu Han raises an eyebrow. “There were children here. I’m being considerate.”

“Such a gentleman,” Lu Han coos at him and Jongdae splashes him for good measure. “So caring for the preservation of our youths’ innocen-“

Jongdae shoves his head underwater and Lu Han surprised him into a half yell as he tackles him under water with a bite to his stomach.

“You cheated,” Jongdae grumbles as Lu Han tosses his hair from his eyes, once more above water and grinning in triumph.

“Nah,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae feels his fingertips ghost along his hip, tugging at the waist of his swim trunks. “If I wanted to cheat I’d have pulled these off.” He gives a firm pull down to the Jongdae’s trunks, sending a jolt of shock and heat through him as he yelps and flails.

“No!”

Lu Han is laughing again, unabashedly and open and uncaring as to who sees or hears him as his hair sticks to his forehead and Jongdae is in love with him.

It’s not a carnal wanting, a growling burn in him that borders on desperation to fix an emptiness. It’s feeling whole instead, and happy and seeing Lu Han and knowing he’s the reason why. It’s not caring if Lu Han doesn’t see him at his best, because he knows Lu Han is still going to be there.

Swimming in the lake with Lu Han still laughing as he squirts water at him with his hands, Jongdae realizes that this is what it is all really about.

For years, he’d somehow mixed them all up into something impossible, and which make him so tied up he couldn’t really understand where his head even was anymore. He’d had others tell him, try to get him to understand, but Jongdae had been too stubborn to really have that work.

Until Lu Han crashed into him, just as stubborn and just as determined and it all… worked.

In a way that it didn't work how it was supposed to because it was never about how things had to work, but how they worked. Soul mates who were that part of life that just made sense somehow, that was what he needed, and what he wouldn’t find in anyone else. Lu Han was that for him, something that called him out when he was stupid, listened and was patient when he was stubborn, and could laugh at him and not care if he messed up and still be there.

It stuck with him as Lu Han finally pulled him out of the water, shoving him back up the shore with hands that melted into his back, warm and sure and stable. Jongdae nearly stopped and just let himself fall back on them, into Lu Han, turning to burrow into him, almost shaking with the want to.

The cool air was sharp against his skin as Lu Han pulled him down onto the carelessly spread out blanket, and Jongdae felt heavy as Lu Han settled with his head on his chest. The drying strands of Lu Han’s hair sifted gently between Jongdae’s fingers as he wondered if he was the same for Lu Han, if Lu Han thought of him and felt that balance, and the thrum that said it was right.

“Stop thinking,” Lu Han mumbled, voice rumbling into his side as he shifted closer, fingers drawing lazily patterns on Jongdae’s stomach and cheek pressed into his skin, warm and soothing. “You're always so quiet when you’re thinking too hard and it never ends up being a good thing.”

“I’m thinking about us,” Jongdae told him, honestly.

Lu Han pushed himself up, pulling away to look down at him, and the evening shadowed his face but not enough that the serious lines in it weren’t evident. “What about us?”

“About you,” Jongdae says, feeling nervous and heavy in his chest as he looked up at him. “If it’s the same for you as me.”

Lu Han blinked, not saying anything for a moment, before, “wow, Jongdae that was a decidedly useless explanation.”

“Don’t be an ass,” Jongdae scolded, slapping Lu Han on the arm and then letting his hand stay, resting on Lu Han, holding as the thought pressed. “With you, you're what works, and I’m comfortable and it feels balanced and you call me out when I’m dumb and I don't care when you’re stupid because you’re everything.”

Lu Han is staring at him, but his eyes are softer, glittering slightly as he watches and waits for Jongdae to finish. Patient.

“And I wonder,” Jongdae has to breathe in. “If I do the same for you.”

There is a stretch of silence where Lu Han doesn’t answer, just stares at him and is still, half leaned over him and still too far away. Jongdae can feel the tightening in his chest, the small shiver just above his stomach and wets his lips.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and his voice is lower, softer, and it lets Jongdae release the breath he had been holding. “You think too much,” he tells him before leaning down and kissing him softly. It’s not pushing, not asking for Jongdae to deepen it, just a chase press of lips that tells Jongdae he’s here, not going anywhere, and it’s all the answer Jongdae really needs.

Lu Han doesn’t press to deepen the kiss, but Jongdae opens to it, leaning up and pushing back, letting his hand slip to tangle in Lu Han’s hair again, pulling him in and down. Lu Han lets him, shifting slightly to accommodate the angle as Jongdae curls his fingers around the back of his neck, back arching as Lu Han’s chest brushes against his, searching for more.

It’s a cool night, but Jongdae’s skin burns with heat as Lu Han’s tongue tangles with his, breathing coming sparse and hasty between them as Jongdae keeps him close with a hand at his neck. His hips roll up as Lu Han settles over him, weight heavier but welcome and Jongdae wants it, presses up for it and lets out a shuddering exhale as Lu Han chuckles low.

“I thought we were being mindful of the innocent children,” he says, lips pressing the words into Jongdae’s mouth as his hand slides down to grip and steady Jongdae’s hip. “The sounds you make are hardly innocent.”

The lower edge to his voice, dipped in heat and a tinge of seduction has Jongdae shivering, his grip tightening on Lu Han’s arm. Lu Han’s eyes are dark, and full of suggestion but not demands and it makes Jongdae want it more. Want Lu Han more.

“There aren’t children here right now,” he says, and his voice is breathless and rough.

Lu Han’s eyes widen before he’s laughing, darker sounding but still laughing. “Jongdae did you just ask me to get you off in public?” he asks, sounding near incredulous and drastically amused by it.

“I’ve asked for stranger things in my life,” Jongdae tells him, smiling back as Lu Han continues to laugh, the sound spilling out of him and vibrating into Jongdae and the dull pulse of lust mixes with the sheer harmonious function of being with him. Jongdae is dizzy with it.

“Maybe another time,” Lu Han tells him, voice still laced with laughter as he leans down to press a searing kiss to Jongdae’s jaw, hand at his hip slipping to press in and down, pulling a sharp gasp from Jongdae.

Swim trunks are not practical to get erections in. There are, quite honestly, not many clothes that are practical to get erections in, if Jongdae is honest, but right now he can only think of how badly he wants to touch Lu Han and be touched by him.

“Maybe,” Jongdae sighs, closing his eyes and willing himself to calm down, the building tension in him and rising rush of arousal pleasant, but not for now. “You should probably stop teasing though unless you want me to make those sounds you mentioned.”

“Positively filthy,” Lu Han tells him, with a swift look before kissing him sharply, pinching his hip, and carefully shifting away. “Pity though,” he comments as he keeps his hand on Jongdae’s stomach, watching his chest rise and fall as Jongdae tries to calm his breathing back to normal. “It could have been fun. And I’m sure you’ve done stranger things.”

Jongdae bites his lip. It’s strange for him to have been this slow moving in anything. It feels almost opposite, how he went through this whole thing. In all his other relationships, he felt a flare and then pushed, often getting someone in bed with him before delving into them on a more personal level.

The slow progression of kisses, touches that have lingered and explore with lazy curiosity and no haste is something that is new for Jongdae. Jongdae has spend multiple nights with Lu Han legitimately just sleeping with him, moving only as far as one night last week with his hands in Lu Han’s hair as he came down his throat.

It wasn’t enough, at the same time it was and he didn’t need to push it.

There isn’t a rush for it, not like he had felt before, where it was a sort of adventure of fuck and find out.

Falling in love first, realizing that he wants to be with Lu Han before trying to push and make it so, makes him all the more sure.

He doesn’t feel nervous then, which he had on so many occasions before, as Lu Han looks at him and the want in Jongdae’s body isn’t overwhelming.

It’s reaffirming.

“Come home with me,” he propose, and Lu Han only raises an eyebrow before he leans up, propping himself on his elbow to look at him.

“My place is-“

“Please,” Jongdae asks, knowing Lu Han’s is nicer, bigger, perhaps a bit cleaner but also on the other side of town and farther, and Jongdae doesn’t particularly like the idea of Minseok listening into his apparent ‘noises.’

Lu Han’s answer comes in the form of his hand slipping just a bit lower, teasing the line of Jongdae’s waist for his swim trunks and the darkened look in his eyes when Jongdae’s breath hitches and he moves into the touch.

“Next time though,” Lu Han tells him, as he leans in and his palm pushes gently on his abdomen, pressing the breath from Jongdae’s lungs. “I can stay at mine.” He grins. “Bed’s bigger.”

“You love my couch though,” Jongdae points out with a teasing smile to his lips.

“I do,” Lu Han concedes, hand warm as it slips up his chest, leaving a burn in it’s wake. “Twist my arm why don’t you.”

Jongdae doesn’t twist his arm. He leans up and drags Lu Han’s lower lip between his teeth and startles a grown from him that has heat writhing in his gut. It’s almost dark as Lu Han shoves the blanket into the backseat of his car and Jongdae slips into the front. He almost just crawls into Lu Han’s lap when Lu Han gets in, sealing them together until both of them see white.

His hands twist in the hem of his swim shorts the drive back, glancing over at Lu Han and letting his eyes rove. Lu Han has unhelpfully neglected to put his shirt back on and Jongdae is horribly tempted by him.

“I swear if you don’t stop staring at me I will drive us off the road,” Lu Han tells him firmly, even as he reaches over and fists his hand over Jongdae’s thigh, squeezing tight.

“Of course, that’s far less distracting,” Jongdae says, holding back a groan.

“Yes,” Lu Han says, and flashing him a sideways grin. “Now you have something else to concentrate on.

The street lights reflect on Lu Han’s hair outside of Jongdae’s apartment complex, Lu Han pulling on a shirt briefly. Jongdae’s apartment is almost stark as he turns on the lights for it, leading Lu Han inside and it’s familiar, having Lu Han just a step behind him, warmth at his back. The times Jongdae has been stumbled into his apartment with fevered kisses that he worked up is nothing like the curl in his lower abdomen.

It’s not being pushed back into a wall with passion, but Jongdae turning to Lu Han and seeing the look in his eyes and says I want you and feeling his breathing hitch. It’s wrapping his arms around Lu Han’s neck and kissing him hard and deep, feeling Lu Han’s hands settle around him, and the space between pushed out. It’s the feeling of Lu Han’s heart beat against his own, and the thought of I want him that aches in all of him.

“Fuck,” Lu Han pants out, as he mouths hot at the corner of Jongdae’s jaw, Jongdae’s hands pulling his shirt up and wanting to get at skin, the hunger for contact strong. Wanting to feel Lu Han against him, nothing between them, feel all of him, take all of him, and have it be Lu Han, Lu Han, Lu Han.

Jongdae is the one pushing him down, watching Lu Han’s back hit his bed and his eyes smolder desire back at him. Jongdae knows him, has learned him and relishes in the sounds, soft gasps and quiet moans that he pulls from Lu Han’s throat with his hands and mouth, touching on place he know on Lu Han’s body. He peels down Lu Han’s swimming trunks, and though he’s seen Lu Han naked before, he still takes a moment.

“No, really, take your time,” Lu Han tells him, voice lower despite how casual it is. He’s propped up on his elbows amid Jongdae’s unmade bed, smiling at him with bruised lips and wrecked hair and flushed want.

The dive in Jongdae’s groin coupled with the throbbing ache has him less in a laughing mood, letting out only a breathless chuckle as Lu Han pulls him closer with hooked fingers in his swim trunks.

“I don’t mind,” Lu Han speaks softly against his mouth, breath ghosting hot over his face as his fingers tease Jongdae’s swim trunks down, rubbing against his cock and making Jongdae hiss. Lu Han’s mouth tugs to the side. “I’m not in any rush. We have all night.”

“I was hoping we also had tomorrow,” Jongdae says, though his voice comes out far more breathless, wanting. He wants. “Unless you’re not up for it.”

Lu Han silences him with a kiss, and Jongdae eagerly meets him, shimmying out into nothing and letting Lu Han pull him on top of him. They both let out a gasp, Jongdae dissolving into a moan as they come together, sensitive and it makes Jongdae tremble to ache. Lu Han’s hands are kneading at his lower back, pressing fingers into his ass, and he presses back into them.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han answers the motion and Jongdae just wants him to do something, the friction of their cocks together not enough, the pressure building inside of him to raw.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jongdae speaks against Lu Han’s mouth. Lu Han’s mouth stills against is and Jongdae pushes on. “I want you inside of me, I want to be with you and I want you and please, God, Lu Han, please.”

Jongdae doesn’t realize he’s begging until Lu Han swears and his hips buck up, hands clenching and Jongdae cuts himself off with a moan. “I swear to god, you make the most sinful sounds,” Lu Han drags harshly against his ear, teeth scraping as his hips roll up.

“Want to know how to make me make more?” Jongdae tempts and Lu Han pulls back to look at him fully. He’s asking in a look, something Jongdae understands, if this is really what they’re ready for. He tells Jongdae with lust in his eyes and red lips and gripping hands that Jongdae has to tell him that this is truly what he wants. The light from outside has outlined the edges of Lu Han’s face in silver and Jongdae’s mind is hazy, but not for this.

“In the top drawer,” Jongdae tells him, clear. “Are condoms and lube.”

“For convenience,” Lu Han tests, fingers slipping to tease the sensitive cleft of Jongdae’s ass.

“For you, dumbass,” Jongdae tells him and shoves him back into the bed. “I just have to ask one thing,” he continues, hands smoothing down Lu Han’s chest, over the skin and the flexing feel of muscle and the short hastened breaths. Lu Han’s eyes fix on him, swallowing shallow. “Lu Han,” he asks, and looks at him from under his eyelashes. “Have you been tested?”

It takes only a moment, and then Lu Han is laughing, shaking them both as he laughs and shoves Jongdae, eyes bright and happy and love, Jongdae can see it there in them. Jongdae is laughing too, until Lu Han rolls and flips him, Jongdae splayed on his back and his laughter melting into a moan as Lu Han kisses him, hard, and passionate.

“Fine,” Lu Han says, pulling away and still smiling, fingers slipping to slide over Jongdae’s thighs and sending tingles over his skin, shivers through him. “We’re even.”

“I don’t think we’ll ever be even,” Jongdae sighs, as Lu Han reaches to the drawer and pulls out Jongdae’s supplies, letting his eyes close for a brief moment.

Lu Han hums, and Jongdae moves for him as his hand pushes warm at his thigh, letting out his own hum as he feels Lu Han press a kiss beside his naval. “You’re right,” Lu Han says, as the snap of a cap sounds. “I’ll always be the winner.”

Jongdae opens his mouth to retort, and gasps instead, the press of Lu Han’s fingers against him, slick and slightly cool. It’s not unfamiliar, but Lu Han takes his time, working his way into him and holding him, one hand reassuring and stable at his hip as he licks and sucks and bites distractingly up Jongdae’s chest. Jongdae lets his fingers tangle in his hair, run over his warm skin, pulling him up and kissing him so hard their teeth clack as Lu Han stretches him with two fingers scissoring.

The want in his belly curls to a gnawing hunger, hot and demanding as his voice as Lu Han stretches him open and his hand drifts to slide over his cock, matching the rhythm of his fingers until Jongdae is rocking back.

“Fuck, do you even know what you sound like?” Lu Han pants, voice ragged against his ear as his palm slides over the head of Jongdae’s cock and pulls another moan from him. Jongdae just moans louder, tilting so he’s directly into Lu Han’s ear and it cuts high as Lu Han’s fingers curl inside him and press hard into the soft bundle of nerves that has him shaking. “Fucking hell.”

“Stop complaining,” Jongdae rasps, mind buzzing and still feeling shaky from the rush of pleasure from Lu Han’s fingers digging into his prostate. “Just-“ he lets off into another sharp gasp, back bending up as Lu Han curls his fingers again. “Fuck!” ends in a high whine as his fingers dig deep into Lu Han’s shoulders.

Pulling back and fingers leaving Jongdae feeling hollow and breathless, Lu Han looks at him steady as he Jongdae does his best to pant up at him. Legs spread, prepared and chest heaving for air, Jongdae doesn’t close his eyes as Lu Han positions over him.

It’s not just sex, it’s bickering and snapping and falling together as Lu Han presses Jongdae’s thigh over his shoulder and slides into his body, stretching and full. It’s a haze of pleasure, building and pulsing with racing heartbeats as Lu Han rocks into him, Jongdae following and it’s deep, the press of Lu Han’s cock into him making him gasp that has him almost choking. It’s a ringing in his ears, and shudder through his body as he meets Lu Han’s eyes and it’s not just sex.

This isn’t fucking, and Jongdae feels almost overwhelmed, shaking as he and Lu Han move together, Jongdae pulling him in and Lu Han’s hips rocking faster, their breaths mingling and ragged.

This is sweat tangled limbs and breaths too hot mixing together and eyes burning and back bending pleasuring racing up spines, the communication in sound and the open frantic kisses as hands hold too tight and refuse to let go. Jongdae’s voice cracks as Lu Han shifts and his cock presses into him deep, white flashing behind his eyes and his head falls back.

It’s like a throb through his whole body as he urges Lu Han on in a mix of words and broken syllables and his name. As Lu Han’s hips being to lose their rhythm, Jongdae can barely blink through the cloud that’s settled in him, and the sound of harsh breathing and skin to skin. “I'm so close,” Lu Han gasps and Jongdae agrees with a gasping affirmation.

It only takes a few strokes from Lu Han’s hand to have Jongdae cumming, his breath trapped in his throat with a choked grasping guttural moan, spine tensing as the coil in his groin snaps through. Lu Han’s hips snap a few more times, before he’s swearing groaning into the crook of Jongdae’s necks and he rides his own release through.

Lying there, a panting gross mass of limbs and ragged breathing and limbs feeling too heavy with release to do more than hold, Jongdae cracks his eyes and turns to see Lu Han flopped on top of him. He’s heavy, and annoyingly boneless as he breathes heavily into Jongdae’s neck, the feeling of his cock still heavy inside Jongdae, but he smiles anyway.

It takes a moment before Lu Han calms down enough to pull back, shifting his weight off a bit despite how Jongdae is getting use to it, the groan and the stick of their chests together nasty. But Lu Han is smiling too, a dreamy sleepy sort of satisfies smile that comes from contentment and orgasms.

It’s a lethargic movement that has Jongdae lifting his head to kiss him, a soft exhale that has Lu Han leaning down into him, the slow glide of their lips together. It’s completely unrushed, and holding no demands or meanings or expectations.

It’s everything.

This kiss breaks, and Lu Han lets out a soft sigh, eyes closing as he rests his forehead against Jongdae’s. Relaxed and easy and content. “That was nice,” Lu Han says, voice sticky and rough, queuing Jongdae to look up at him.

“You know,” he says, almost wincing at his own gruff voice. “You really know how to make a guy feel special sometimes.”

And Lu Han laughs, not too loud but just a soft happy pleasant sound wracking from his as his countenance breaks and he falls back into him. Jongdae laughs too, and it’s all good.

It’s all fine. It’s comfortable and happy and Jongdae is laughing. He doesn’t stop, lips still turned up as Lu Han drags him to a shower and kisses the corner, and he laughs again tiredly as he shoves Lu Han into bed and climbs half on top of him.

The moonlight plays across the skin of both of their wrists close together as Lu Han curls around him, chest to Jongdae’s back and breathing softly brushing his hair. Both wrists, bare and belonging to each other and Jongdae thinks of all the time spent worrying and the messes made.

As he drifts into sleep, he feels a lingering voice saying that in the end, here when it’s over, it was all worth it.

Lu Han is worth it.


๑


Baekhyun won’t stop pacing. It should make Jongdae concerned, worried about his friend or sympathetic because he hasn’t seen Baekhyun sweat like this in a very long time.

As it is, Jongdae is trying very hard not to laugh at him.

“Seriously,” Jongdae tells him, and Baekhyun looks at him like an agitated street rat. Jongdae continues. “You’re going to be fine. Stop worrying so much.”

“You don’t understand,” Baekhyun snaps and even Kyungsoo looks exasperated now. Kyungsoo has been almost eerily tolerant all day, quiet and accepting and nice, abnormally nice to Baekhyun about this whole thing. Patient with him as Baekhyun snaps about flowers and goes between nervous excitement and outright panic attacks.

Baekhyun is the least likely person to ever go into a proper anxiety attack among anyone they know, so this morning has been what is relatively known as an ‘experience’ for all of them. Baekhyun most of all.

“What do we not understand, exactly?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice kind but beginning to get a bit tight. “The fact that you’re getting married today or that you’re getting to Zitao or that you are at a high risk of dropping something on yourself just because you’re wearing white?”

“If it stains, I’m going to die,” Baekhyun moans, going back to the mirror and attempting to find something wrong with his hair. “Then who will Zitao marry?”

“Your tombstone,” Kyungsoo deadpans and Jongdae tries very hard not to snort loudly and unattractively. “You’re not going to die.”

“Yes, I will,” Baekhyun says, turning to Kyungsoo and his hair is still, amazingly, perfect. He looks fantastic, honestly, he just also looks like a nervous wreck. “I’m marrying Zitao. My future husband does wushu and if I show up at the altar with stuff on my suit he’ll murder me because today is important.”

“I think you’re more important to him than the wedding itself,” Jongdae tells Baekhyun, placing a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder carefully, in case he turns around and bites him. Instead, Baekhyun relaxes a bit, letting out a shuddering breath and some of the tension eases. “Zitao is getting married to you, because he wants to. He wouldn’t have a wedding if he didn’t have you.”

“Thanks, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, and a note of his voice drawls as he turns to him. “I’m glad you took the pressure off me.”

“Just don’t eat something and mess yourself up,” Kyungsoo says, offering a tight smile. He and Jongdae are both in black suits, picked out months ago when Baekhyun and Zitao had taken them to get them fit. Zitao and Baekhyun are wearing white suits together, and no one else is allowed to.

They had even written it into the invitations.

“I don’t think I could eat if I tried,” Baekhyun says, letting out another shaking breath before he sucks another in through his teeth. “I feel like I have an angry cat instead of stomach.”

“Well, that’s one problem solved then,” Jongdae offers, putting as much pep into his voice as possible. “No worries there then.” He pats Baekhyun a few times on the back, before smoothing his hand down. “Zitao loves you,” he adds, and Kyungsoo’s expression softens across from them. “Why else would he agree to spend the rest of his life with you.”

“I know,” Baekhyun says, and opens his eyes to look into space, a soft smile tugging at his lips. “I know.”

“This is just your day to go and be happy with him, both of you, making all of us look bad because we can’t measure up,” Jongdae continues. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him and Jongdae shakes his head a bit. Baekhyun laughs, turning to him and finally wearing a full smile, the one where his mouth is square and his eyes light and dancing.

“I’ll remember how you insulted yourself to cheer me up when you get married,” Baekhyun says, still laughing a bit as the tension eases away a bit more.

“Well, then maybe we’ll be able to measure up by then,” Jongdae says with a shrug. “For today, I’m very sure if any of us looked better than your future husband, he’d ensure that didn’t last.”

Baekhyun laughs at that, full and loud and Jongdae smiles at him. He’s happy for him, genuinely fully happy for him, both he and Zitao. It’s a little surreal how they had known, almost for as long as Jongdae can remember, that some day Baekhyun and Zitao would end up here.

It’s just a little strange to actually be here, and a part of Jongdae is far more sentimental than he’d like to admit. Seeing his best friend married when he’d practically considered him as such for years. It’s a long time coming, and Jongdae feels a little stupid with how happy he is for him.

Despite his dramatics.

The ceremony itself ends up being simple, mostly just a formal final union between them. Baekhyun and Zitao come in both from the back of the all after their wedding party, small group of guests watching. Soojung in the audience is sniffing adamantly and Zitao’s parents are crying. Jongdae stands with Kyungsoo and can’t stop smiling as he watches them.

He’s never seen Baekhyun or Zitao look happier or more radiant than when they finally meet gazes from across the hall and come together. He nudges Kyungsoo who looks a bit too stiff and notices the mistier quality in his eyes and understands.

Over clasped hands, the newlyweds kiss, and because it’s them they don’t stop with it being just a simple kiss. Nerves breaking and excitement thrumming Baekhyun has Zitao’s face in his hands and is kissing him hard, Zitao’s smile evident to everyone.

They break, flushed and turn to everyone and Jongdae can’t stop smiling.

“You look like an idiot,” Amber tells him as they file out of the small wedding hall, punching him in the shoulder.

“I told them that I should have had a floppy bowtie instead of the small one,” Jongdae sighs at her. “I know it makes me look far too much like a waiter.”

Amber laughs and it rings with everything from the day, the smiles and the buzzing in the air of happy people and excitement and celebration. Baekhyun and Zitao are already laughing together, teasing just as usual and looking stunning as they speak to their guests.

Jongdae stays with them until they finally move away in the reception, laughing stupid until Baekhyun shoves cake into Zitao’s face and earns an easily anticipated shriek. Baekhyun is still laughing himself silly when Zitao shoves cake into him and smears it into his ear.

“I vote,” speaks a voice into Jongdae’s ear, close and warm and familiar as arms slip easily around his waist. “That we should kick this up a level and encourage everyone into throwing food. Follow their lead.”

“See, this just goes to show that you’re not here as one of the guests,” Jongdae says with a hint of exhaustion in his voice, leaning back against a firm warm chest and breathing in. “If you were, you’d know Zitao would murder you for the thought.” He smiles. “Otherwise I’d have done it in a heart beat.”

He can feel Lu Han laughs as it vibrates through his chest, tickling against his cheek. “Of course you would have,” Lu Han says, low and easy.

Jongdae hums, settling back for a moment longer, resting his head against Lu Han’s shoulder before pulling away and taking him in. “You look nice,” he comments, checking Lu Han’s attire. “Special occasion?”

“Wedding,” Lu Han says, shrugging. “You know, my boyfriend invited me as his guest. Figured I should look nice.”

Jongdae nods, and then stills. “Is that-“ he begins and then laughs, shaking his head as Lu Han’s smile nods. “You shit.”

“Well, not all of us have nice suits in their closets for weddings.”

“You didn’t have to wear the same thing as you do for interviews,” Jongdae laughs, realizing Lu Han is in the exact same attire that he’d worn when they’d met.

“But I look nice,” Lu Han pushes, swinging his arm a bit and nudging Jongdae’s elbow with his. “And you look nice,” Lu Han adds, and his smile widens. “And no one has to know I only own one suit. Like a normal person.”

“You’re hardly a normal person,” Jongdae chuckles and leans into Lu Han as he steps closer.

“Neither are you,” Lu Han counters, raising his eyebrows.

“Good,” Jongdae says, smiling at him. He’s happy. Happy for his best friends, for their wedding and happy in a place in his life and happy with who he is. “I don’t want anything else.” Happy with the man he loves.

“That makes two of us,” Lu Han says, Jongdae doesn’t think he’ll stop smiling as Lu Han presses a soft kiss to his temple.

Ever since Jongdae was young, the soft faint line around his wrist had intrigued him, called his attention as time passed around him and people came together and he kept waiting. Things he planned and ideas he had crumbled between his fingers and even with knowing that it’s not always going to be easy, that a happily ever after isn’t perfect, he realizes he likes it better.


๑ end ๑

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