#179: If I Hadn’t Met You 〜夏雪冬花〜 (2/2)

[lordchen]

If I Hadn’t Met You
〜夏雪冬花〜
(Part II)

#

"Jongdae, what if it turns out I’m not your soulmate?" she asked, tone teasing with a boop of a finger to his nose when he frowned.

"Don't say that."

"What if your thread doesn't disappear even after I'm gone?" she continued her very unique inquiry.

He didn’t know what prompted her to rain him down with such questions on a very nice Monday morning.

Bringing her outside so she could get some fresh air in the garden was a better option, far more entertaining than answering her unusual queries.

"You already know my answer," he said.

The momentary flash of worry on her face with how her brows subtly worked up had him whining. In an instant, she was smiling and tugging his cheek in a pinch. "Jongdae, you shouldn’t," she said.

"My heart will follow you," he answered with finality.

"If I were not your soulmate, and if you were to do that," she said while her hand found his and held it. "There would be two people in the world aside from us who would be left on their own. When I will not be around, you will still be capable of making one of them happy. Do that instead."

She had always been beautiful. Even if the therapies made her hair thinner and the grip of her hand on his weaker. Even at such a state she was still the most beautiful and the strongest in his eyes. And he didn’t want to let go.

Eight years since his beloved Sunyoung passed away and he was still holding on to the memory of her. A photo of her smiling, Jongdae’s most favorite candid shot, was in a frame on his bedside table; a smaller copy always went with him in his wallet. The back of his phone was full of stickers of a character she had loved. A ring, which had a pair, was always worn on his left hand’s ring finger.

Some would say he was still tied to the past, but having small bits of what used to be actually enabled Jongdae to move forward. Whenever he’d get so stressed and feel like giving up, he would just look at Sunyoung’s smiling face and remember all the good things, then he’d be motivated to pick up where he had paused in life and continue on.

But not having Sunyoung around still left a hole in his chest, something he thought would never be filled, would never be replaced. And as much as he wanted to forget about Sunyoung and their conversation about soulmates, he couldn’t.

He saw then how Sunyoung’s thread disappeared on her pinky when she breathed her last, and he expected for his to follow.

But it stayed. It lightened in color, but it stayed.

Since then, seeing the indelible line on his pinky would remind him of the other’s wish―"When I will not be around, you will still be capable of making one of them happy."―and had become a promise he wished to fulfill.

Wished.

#

The hospital lobby had an influx of people. Most of the benches were occupied by wide-eyed, fresh-from-med-school people as he looked down from the second floor. Call him observant, but it was relatively easy to single out the newbie residents from the ones who were there for other reasons.

Showing his assigned team around, he had exhausted all of his energy talking that by the end of his shift, he immediately clocked out and headed home to cook late dinner for two and spend the rest of the night in silence.

His wish for a peaceful evening wasn’t fulfilled when in less than an hour, Jonghyun, his obnoxiously endearing older brother arrived home.

‘How was your first day with your babies?’ was the first question Jongdae heard when the front door closed. Why on earth was it his older brother’s concern when the other had yet to put down his bag and take off his shoes, he had no idea. And he had long stopped asking about Jonghyun’s quirks, he just lived with it.

“They're not my kids, they're my steeds,” he mumbled as his attention did not leave his opened planner on the coffee table, fingers carefully pasting a two-by-two photograph of a big-eyed guy on one of the squares he had lined earlier.

Jongdae was sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor as soft opera music was playing from the sound system when Jonghyun was finally freed from his shoes and had thrown his duffel bag on the couch. Just like how he was in the O.R. with classical music as accompaniment, he remained unperturbed despite the slight chaos his older brother caused, preferring to focus on writing Do Kyungsoo’s name in beautiful script.

“Remember what happened in the previous batch’s party?” Jonghyun lilted while heading to the kitchen.

Okay, Jongdae teared up a little out of happiness for his team that time but that was it. There was no point for the older to bring that up.

"It’ll just be a matter of weeks until you go all out on your overprotective, highly delusional parenting mode and I’m actually looking forward to it," Jonghyun continued, coming back with a glass of water and Jongdae was tempted to wish for the other to choke.

“I highly doubt that,” he said and smiled when he looked up, scrunching his nose in the process because he knew the expression annoyed the other for it was meant for S-class sarcasm. Jonghyun actually eye-rolled upon seeing it and it only meant victory for him.

Jongdae - one, Jonghyun - zero.

"What are you doing?" the older abruptly asked, leaning forward to put his empty glass on the table. Jongdae was pasting another photograph, this time of a long-haired woman (who could still pass as a high-schooler due to her dainty features), and he heard his brother hum in realization. "And you actually beat me into doing the family album this time. See what I mean?" Jonghyun quipped, referring to their personalized trainee logs.

Jongdae ignored the teasing and focused on writing the name of the woman below the pasted picture. Doctors in general are notorious for ridiculous handwriting, but Jongdae would like to be the special snowflake. He smiled at the elegant script in metallic pink ink he had produced on the paper. "You have the older twin, don’t you?" he asked, talking about the woman in the picture.

Jonghyun hummed a response. "Hyunwoo said they used to live near the zoo and his sister and he would go visit it when one of them feels bad. He likes the canine family, Jieun likes the felines. Better write that one down," the older suggested, picking up the black Sharpie from Jongdae’s can of writing materials and handing it to him.

Jonghyun might be the usual older brother―annoying on normal days, and more annoying on special occasions―but he was a level higher than the average when it came to being caring and choosing the wrong colored Sharpie when Jongdae wanted the gold one.

“By the way, there will be a welcome party for the interns this coming Friday,” Jonghyun continued to blabber.

“I bet not all can come. Including me,” he muttered as he concentrated on doodling a cat on the free space under Dr. Lee Jieun’s picture and name.

“Don't be a spoil sport. We are now moving the schedules around so us team leads can attend. At least try to get to know the new ones from the other teams.”

“I'd rather be acquainted exclusively to my steeds. Maybe when the others get to residency?”

“Technically speaking they're already residents. First year residents.” But that didn’t make any difference in Jongdae’s stand for making acquaintances. Jonghyun sighed at his silence as he lay on the couch. “You used to be very friendly and outgoing. Where is that little brother of mine now?”

“Still here. I just learned how to prioritize," he answered, earning a throw pillow on the back of his head. Good thing he was only pasting another photograph and not writing anything when it happened, or else an older person in their small apartment would end up bawling in defeat after an intense, merciless, Sharpie fight.

#

The week passed with Jongdae memorizing the names and faces of the members of his new team. Six people, two ladies, four gentlemen. Lee Jieun is the petite one, Kim Ahyoung is the tall one. Do Kyungsoo, owl-eyed; Huang Zitao, kitten-eyed; Park Bogum, puppy-eyed; Im Hyunsik, fox-eyed. At least it wasn’t that difficult compared to his older brother’s team who all looked like they were fresh from high school, or Yixing’s who all looked like they were a basketball team out to kill. His own team was with variety, and he thought of it as a blessing.

With that confidence, he had nothing else to mind by the end of the week. His team members were much familiar with the basics by this time―ask anybody from his team where the nearest bathroom/nurses’ station/waiting area was and they could tell and show the person where in less than three seconds; which department was in which floor; who to look for for a certain situation―all of it Jongdae drilled during their shifts. Not to mention that he had actually found out each member’s favorite animal and favorite food [though he had yet to ask their planned specialization but he’d eventually know about it]. Thus, there was no need for him to attend the welcome party.

A rerun of Jurassic Park was on the television and Jongdae on his third slice of pizza when Jonghyun arrived home, singing and swaying and falling on the couch like a bag of spoiled cooked rice, making Jongdae’s lap his pillow.

“You stink,” Jongdae said, but it was far from being a complaint when he had actually smelled worse things in their profession.

“I know I know,” Jonghyun acknowledged as he turned to the side to watch the movie as well.“We'd both be stinking if you joined the party,” the older muttered as an afterthought.

“One of the reasons why I didn't.” Taking a last bite, he brought his halved pizza slice to his older brother’s mouth which the other accepted in an instant. His action didn’t do any good to Jonghyun’s irritated expression, though.

“You're frustrating, you know that? And your poor kids were left to fend off for themselves.”

“I knew I could always rely on you to take care of them whenever I’m not around.”

Jonghyun turned on his back to look up. "You are welcome but stop holing up here!” Bits of chewed pizza were spewed out when he shouted. Gross. At least the older had the decency to wipe his mouth off after his outburst.

“I am already surrounded by too many people on a normal day, hyung. At least let me breathe on my day off?”

“But you're not breathing! You're suffocating yourself!” shouted the older while flailing. Nice.

“Trust me, I am not,” Jongdae assured as he picked up a bit of chewed pepperoni on Jonghyun’s cheek, a debris the older missed wiping from his face, and threw it to the small trash bowl on the coffee table.

If his older brother would just be thankful for having a younger brother like him and stop fretting over unnecessary stuff, then the world would be a better place, Jongdae thought as he missed most of what happened to the second-half of the dinosaur movie.

Jonghyun should buy him a complete DVD set of the trilogy soon as compensation.

#

If somebody were to document a doctor’s daily life in detail, it would be so surreal like seeing Blur’s cover image for their self-titled album―that blurred hospital scene of a running hospital staff pushing a gurney―for the first time. Jongdae had thought of his residency life like that, a big mass of blur in general. Upon closer look, the mass would be made up of necessary things―surgeries to do, patients to check, doctors and staff to talk to, meals to not miss―and nothing else.

Meeting new people, an affair most people look forward to, was a conscious effort for him. No, he didn’t dislike it. It was just an unnecessary thing, might also be considered a social burden, for him when the person being introduced would be someone who he would not be directly working with. It had always been the case with people previously introduced to him, he had forgotten all about the first meetings and was only able to remember them on the second or third, mostly in the operating theater.

This fact about him should also be known by people close to him and he couldn’t stop himself from getting annoyed because his older brother, supposedly the closest person around, couldn’t get a clue that Jongdae didn’t want people he could care less about being shoved to his face for him to memorize the name of.

“Dr. Junmyeon!” his older brother's voice rang as their conversation was interrupted by, guess what, an appearance of another member from Jonghyun’s team. He had already met one before, a kid who looked like he could kill for a decent nap, Min Yoon-something, but it would only be a matter of time when Jongdae would no longer remember the name and secretly call the kid ‘Minnie’.

And here came another one to their direction. Like the first year earlier, the guy looked like the hospital made a mistake on recruiting a high schooler. Small features, hoppity steps. A legit kid and it made Jongdae feel like a legit senior.

“Dr. Junmyeon here is one of my babies. I'm now forcing you to know my children one by one since you intentionally missed the welcome party,” Jonghyun said as he held the other guy by the shoulder. If anything, the first year resident was fidgety. Must be due to the coffee, Jongdae thought. He also didn’t bother to memorize the face, just gave it a glance and noted the thick eyebrows, since he’d forget most of the details anyway. “Also, he's from SM.U, too, so that makes him a legitimate dongsaeng of yours,” his older brother added, most likely to pique his almost non-existent interest.

"I see," he hummed, smiling as he offered his hand just to make it less awkward. Also, to be done with the introductions because he was needed somewhere else soon. "Nice to meet you, then."

“My name is Kim Junmyeon. I've always admired Kim J-Jongdae-s-sunbaenim. It's an honor to meet you,” the guy stammered as he accepted the handshake.

Jongdae noted that the guy’s hand was cold. And he had to actually stop himself from raising an eyebrow because the first-year resident stammered and was awkward and it reminded him of his very own team member, Dr. Kyungsoo.

“Were you a part of the acad org?” he asked out of curiosity. The members of the org were all proud and surprisingly shallow people who Jongdae couldn’t stand that was why he didn’t join. If this guy was a member or in any way acquainted to those people, then he wouldn’t be this awkward, Jongdae guessed.

“Ah! Yes, I joined when I was in third year.”

Trust in humanity gone. Or maybe, as how Yixing his great optimist of a friend would put it, times were changing, and hopefully for the better.

“I didn't like them,” he still managed to admit to the person. Jongdae believed in honesty; that, and being genuine during the first meeting would avoid any assumptions which usually led to misunderstandings later in one’s life. Smiling, he bowed a bit and turned to his brother. “Anyway, I appreciate this Dr. Kim Jonghyun. See you around."

Hopefully, he wouldn’t encounter the older anytime again soon because that would mean another round of awkward introduction and Jongdae would only be stressed and bothered more than ever.

Three hours later he was introduced to Dr. Bang Minah. And by this time, he was already asking the great circle of life why, instead of Zhang Yixing, he got Kim Jonghyun as an older brother. He obviously didn’t get any answer.

#

If Jongdae’s memory was serving him right, he remembered mentioning Jonghyun being annoying as hell on normal days and more annoying than the sixth circle of hell of Dante’s Inferno on special occasions. He forgot to add the most important thing―the superlative form. His Jonghyun-hyung’s ultimate form of annoying is when the older would notice and talk about Jongdae’s thread and would be an unrelenting pest about it.

It happened a month into the new program, Jonghyun attending yet another party but this time a medical team-hosted one which Jongdae once again turned down. The older came home almost crawling past the front door and Jongdae had to help him up to the couch.

Upon bringing Jonghyun a glass of water, all his brother did was stare at his hand, looking at the glass in different angles like he saw something floating in it until he was grabbing it and putting it on the coffee table, his gaze not leaving Jongdae’s hand, specifically, Jongdae’s pinky.

“When did this happen? Did you meet someone new? Oh my god, are you in love?” Jonghyun asked in succession.

And Jongdae had no plans on answering any of it especially for the fact that the older was drunk and therefore, most probably hallucinating. If he was planning on doing something at the moment, it would be giving Jonghyun a good punch for a good night’s rest because Jongdae would not want to deal with another round of his brother’s drunken conversation. But his hands were important, vital in saving a lot of lives, so he chose to brave through dealing with the other like this instead.

He gave out a noncommittal hum as his hand was scrutinized by the older.

“Your thread! Look!” Jongdae almost punched himself with his own hand with the way Jonghyun shoved it to his face. “It changed color!” his older brother exclaimed.

“It looks the same to me,” he said, trying to be patient and channeling his inner Zhang though he knew he was totally unrelated by blood [maybe at some point in time, eons ago, he was Yixing’s pet lizard or something; he hoped so], just because no drunken person would deserve his wrath.

“No! It's darker now. Did you feel it? The slow-mo thing? The spark? From experience I kind of felt it when I met Taemin,” Jonghyun kept on, bittersweet smile was on his questioning face.

The last statement and his older brother’s expression only had Jongdae pursing his lips. The mention of the name got him worried.

It would be a long story to tell, something he’d rather come from his older brother himself, but it had something to do with him as well, so in a way he could share his part of it.

Taemin was one of his patients during their first-year residency, who Jonghyun took a liking to [no, his older brother actually fell head-over-heels, smashed kind of, in love with the guy but Jongdae would like to preserve Taemin’s gentle beauty in his memory without Jonghyun clumsily crashing it]. But it was a fleeting kind of love, for Taemin passed away a few months after the two had met, Jonghyun’s thread disappearing when the other’s heart stopped beating. Taemin was Jonghyun’s soulmate.

Jongdae would like to think it was fated, or something like a far greater life was in store for the couple in the next, to make up for the pain they went through in the current one. He’d like to think that way because it was just too painful having witnessed it all both as Taemin’s doctor and Jonghyun’s brother.

“I honestly didn't,” he said, all irritation gone the moment he remembered the past. His older brother might be annoying, but he was still Jongdae’s one and only brother. “Maybe you're just tired, hyung. Nothing's really changed. Come on, you have to rest now.” He pulled the other up from the couch and led him towards his room. Good thing the older did not put up a fight and let him be the reliable younger brother.

“Ask me again tomorrow,” Jonghyun mumbled on the way to his bedroom.



If Kim Jonghyun was the least bit likeable as a drunk person the night previous, he was bordering detestable as a sober person the next morning. He was supposed to be drunk and shouldn’t be remembering anything! But why was the first thing he did right after waking up was sit in the breakfast table and gawk at Jongdae’s left hand?

“Stop staring at it!” Jongdae reprimanded. A little more push this early and he’d be throwing his bowl of milk-soaked cereals to the older.

“It really did change. I wonder who it is,” Jonghyun mused, grabbing for the cereal box and filling his own bowl with its content. When the bowl was half-filled, the older stopped pouring and reached for the carton of milk, filling his glass next. “Do you now have an idea?” asked Jonghyun, as he picked up the dry cereals with his fingers from his own bowl.

“For all we know it must be the new auntie in the cafeteria. I must drop by later and tell her about it so she’ll give me extra servings,” Jongdae grinned, sarcasm dripping like sweet honey from his lips.

“Nah, I don't think so," Jonghyun rebutted. “What if! It is one of the interns?”

“Ha! Bad joke.” Asshole.

Thank the heavens above his older brother did not hear that.

"What kind of a little shit you are to call me that this early," Jonghyun mumbled while chewing his cereals.

"What? I didn’t say anything?"

"You called me something deep down. I know your face when you’ve done so," Jonghyun snorted, flicking a piece of cereal towards Jongdae’s face. What an actual― "Another one." And a Cheerio almost hit his eye.

"I’m sorry, okay? But you are obnoxious. Malignant."

"I’m a tumor now?" Jonghyun snickered, throwing another cereal piece towards him.

This time, pissed beyond words, Jongdae just shoved a mouthful of cereals to his mouth and glared at the older. The flicking stopped but Jonghyun’s gaze once again fell on his left hand. If the other would not stop Jongdae would have to take a leave for the day and file a restraining order.

“You really should stop wearing that ring,” Jonghyun said, gesturing to Jongdae’s ring finger. “What if your soulmate would see that and assume you're already taken?”

He didn’t make any effort to answer as he brought another spoonful of cereals to his mouth. Jongdae had long been taken. His soulmate could just deal with it; find someone they could truly love and not settle on someone they forced themselves to like just because of the thread.

“Sunyoung wouldn't want you to be like this Jongdae.”

“What do you know?” The abrupt response was biting, but he couldn’t care less.

“Doesn't the same go for you?” Jonghyun said in retort.

There was truth in those words―Jongdae wouldn’t really know what Sunyoung really wanted for him―but it didn’t stop him from leaving the table, throwing the remaining milk in his bowl to the sink and leaving the kitchen.

That morning, it would be the first time after a long while that he didn’t arrive together with his older brother at the hospital.

#

The cold sibling war between him and Jonghyun ended a few days later, with the Zhang cousins’ helpful intervention. His older brother had promised to not pester him about his thread or his soulmate anymore and he, in turn, promised he’d never leave the table and Jonghyun alone no matter how pissed he was.

Life with his team was getting better than ever and he could only be thankful. They were performing so well that Jongdae would notice each of the members applying what he had previously taught them in their own way. Out of all the kids, though, he had a special place for the owl-eyed member of his team.

Dr. Kyungsoo was a meek kid well-liked by his teammates. He was an intern in the same hospital before but Jongdae couldn’t remember meeting him until Dr. Park from Pathology reminded Jongdae of the kid who would run away from him. Who wouldn’t be scared of a giant kid in an adult’s clothing following someone like an awestruck fool, right? Dr. Park was also a very awkward person a year ago so there was no helping him when he would get all smiley, just smiley and happy, around people and things he liked.

Jongdae should be thanking his lucky stars by now because Dr. Kyungsoo chose to apply for residency in the hospital, and was assigned to him. He had noted that the younger was slow in picking up things, but worked twice harder than the rest just to keep up. Such perseverance was all the more commendable for Jongdae, who was blessed with a highly-efficient brain.

“Dr. Kim, here,” Dr. Kyungsoo said after finding him in front of the nurses’ station. The younger was holding a can of coffee for him to take.

Jongdae was planning to get one right after filling up some of the charts, but since the younger was nice enough to notice that he needed one, he was rather happy.

“What's this?” he asked, smiling.

Dr. Kyungsoo smiled and almost eye-rolled. "Coffee, obviously. And free," the younger said. Noticed the sarcasm? Jongdae was sure training his kids well.

“Thanks. Is it your birthday?” he asked as he continued filling up the papers, cross-checking his entries with the charts in the next folder.

“Nah. Just trying to be nice. Doing something good to the world. Maybe you'll get another one next time,” answered the younger. "Anyway, I just dropped by to hand you that and I have to be in the E.R. now."

“What are you planning, Dr. Do?” Jongdae followed up as the other was leaving. “You can't bribe me like this, you know. If this is expired coffee you'll regret this!”

The coffee wasn't expired, he found out later. It was warm, strong, and not too sweet. And true to Kyungsoo's word, he got another one soon.

And by soon, the day after the next. Every other day since then. All free. Courtesy of Dr. Kyungsoo.

#

No matter how much he disliked it, shift with the other first-years, most especially his older brother's team, was inevitable. Saying Jongdae was not a team player would not even be appropriate to describe his state. He could work with other people, he just didn’t want the unneeded attention that came with it.

The most noticeable, unnecessary gawking came from one of his older brother’s team. He’d say gawking, but he hadn’t really caught the guy staring, all their eye contacts were fleeting, could even be considered accidental, but whenever Jongdae would be looking somewhere else, he’d feel gazes being pointed his way from Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s direction. Okay, he had even remembered the person’s name. And that was actually saying something; like, him being totally creeped out.

Of course, this might just be him reading too much into the simple gazes, or even the smiles the first-year resident would direct back at him when their eyes met. Or maybe this was the effect of watching too much horror and thriller movies when he was younger. Either way, he still believed in the good of the world for the most part that he started to pay no heed of the weird feelings he felt around Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

His kids, especially Dr. Zitao, was always praising the doctor even on the smallest of things. ‘Hyung, he’s like the oldest in our batch but he’s cute like a baby!’ or ‘Hyung, he’s good in English and Mandarin he could already rule the world!’ were just few of the examples of Dr. Zitao’s praises when it came to the guy. Dr. Kyungsoo was friends with him, as well. Even the meekest in their team, Dr. Bogum, had good word about the person. And Jongdae, taking all the kids’ opinions regarding Dr. Kim Junmyeon into account, had found the doctor faultless. Awkward maybe but never as someone who was malicious.

Surgical aptitude though, was a different topic. It was one of the least daunting of the requirements, a CVC, but the doctor was too slow in the procedure that Jongdae, as the supervisor, took over. He barely expected anything, but at the end of it all he still felt disappointed. More so when he found out that all of the first-years who had performed the procedure succeeded on their first CVC trial as a resident. Except Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

And he actually wished the guy well, though he did not say it aloud. If Dr. Kim Junmyeon were to try and study harder, then he would not get left behind. But all Jongdae saw from and heard about the first-year in the following weeks were aimless rushing to different parts of the hospital and more failures in the basic procedures.

Jongdae, though he had no right to, started feeling sorry for his older brother for having gotten such a team member.

#

November had always been a hell month for newbies. All the pressure, the pain, the sleepless nights were offered by the month like free-taste in supermarkets―abundant, but not something everyone would like to buy.

Jongdae had gone through it as well, remembering how he reviewed non-stop while watching some of his teammates back then quit. It was also during this time he came to be good friends with Yixing, having caught the guy in the rooftop playing his guitar while singing a song rather loudly with tears streaming down his face. It was like a scene in a school-life drama, and Jongdae was captivated. He could never imagine any other person do that because of out-of-stock tea resulting to the inability to concentrate in his studies. Zhang Yixing, by then, was the most melodramatic and also the most interesting person Jongdae had met after Sunyoung.

As for the current batch, he had not heard of someone doing something very unique from the other doctors and staff, and his own team was actually a bunch of hardworking individuals who Jongdae couldn’t help but be proud of. As much as possible, he wanted all of his kids to pass, mentoring them by correcting them during procedures, giving them tips on specific areas to improve and making them apply it with minimal guidance.

During such a busy time, all the first-year residents were expected to be focusing on passing the requirements, studying a lot and not minding anything else. But Dr. Kim Junmyeon, like how Jongdae had seen him in the previous months, remained aimless.

Jongdae could barely see some of his kids in a day and had to consciously check on them by visiting their assigned departments every now and then. Dr. Kim Junmyeon, on the other hand, was on a different level by taking the phrase 'all over the place' literally. Jongdae wasn't even wishing to chance upon the guy, but he'd at least bump into him a couple of times a day.

Bothered by the first-year's seemingly lack of motivation to focus on studying instead of dilly-dallying, Jongdae talked to Jonghyun about it.

'Just because Junmyeonie isn't showy doesn't mean he isn't working so hard, you know,' was what his older brother had told him. Jonghyun had so much faith in the guy that Jongdae was challenged to a bet later on.

'Give me a name from your team and whoever gets a higher score in the overall performance between Junmyeonie and your rep will be the winner,' the older had confidently proposed. Jongdae chose Kyungsoo, and he believed that his kid could easily beat Jonghyun's.

The 100,000 Won reward would surely be his.



When the results came out, it could be said that Jongdae was shocked. Dr. Kyungsoo had to take removals, and Dr. Kim Junmyeon, whom he expected would fail, had fared the highest in the overall performance. And Jongdae couldn't just accept that.

“It amuses me how the hospital has become lenient recently. Like, you can just easily kiss up to the higher ups just so you can get high grades?” he muttered after finishing a few shots of tequila in silence.

He was seated between his older brother and Yixing in the far-end, at the well-lighted part, of the u-shaped counter. It felt like forever since he last felt so frustrated for someone else but Kyungsoo was handling it so well, compared to him who had more than two years of experience in the surgical field.

“Now now, Jongdae, you're being salty,” Yixing said, patting his shoulder. And this comment, coming from the guy who had downed an equal amount of tequila like him, came as a surprise. Yixing was supposed to be drunk [oh well, he might be very drunk just winging the sober guy look] but he wasn't ranting and finding the whole results unfair like Jongdae.

Jonghyun took a swig from his beer mug first then turned to their direction. “He is!" he told Yixing. "He can't accept that his favorite Dr. Do Little had to take removals while my baby Junmyeonie came out on top." And to Jongdae, "You weren’t even there to witness the last procedure, my child’s glorious moment, little brother, so you can’t say negative things about the results.”

He scoffed at the remark. He wasn't there in the actual exams but he was there watching the whole batch go crazy reviewing and cramming. Everything in total chaos! Except for Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

“Why would I need to? He barely passed his basics. How the hell was he able to succeed on the invasive ones so easily?”

For sure something fishy was going on. Besides, it was never a surprise for some of the doctors, both new and old, to pull strings using the family name. If Jongdae recalled correctly, Kim Junmyeon's father was a renowned prosecutor who had handled big cases covered by media outlets before.

“I worked hard for it.” Out from the dimly lit area came the voice. Jongdae couldn't tell from his seat who it was at first but soon he was cursing deep down because it was none other than Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

Shit.

“Junmyeonie? You're here too?" Jonghyun shouldn't really be acting so surprised as it would only prove how much of a bad luck Jongdae got for them to be overheard. "Are you with someone?”

“The anesthesiologists―Dr. Choi and Dr. Jongin,” the guy answered, voice shaky. Or maybe it was Jongdae's ears being shaky. Hopefully.

“Siwon-hyung! Jongin!” Jonghyun called out and waved, getting an equally loud roll-call of their names from Dr. Choi. “We'll move to their table once Junmyeonie gets their re-fill,” he told them.

And Jongdae thought it would be the perfect time to exit, given that he wouldn't want things to get any more awkward. He straightened in his seat and moved to take out his wallet from his back pocket.

“Well, time for me to go ahead," he said as he left some bills on the counter and stood. "See you guys tomorrow. Don't drink too much,” he waved dismissively as he didn't care how badly he swayed in his steps as long as he'd reach the door and leave the place.

What kind of luck was he having?




"Hey, you!" Somebody shouted after him and Jongdae continued to trudge on, refusing to acknowledge it. "You! You're an awful person!" Aaawfuuul! Cowaaaaard!" The last word had the passersby looking and Jongdae finally stopped to stare back.

Yixing had caught up, and Jongdae was a bit afraid the other would throw a punch at him and they'd end up hurting other people. But the guy didn't, circling an arm around Jongdae's neck, half-hanging like a sloth, while leaning his weight on him instead.

"But you're still my best buddy and you will no longer be awful awful awful! And a coward! As long as you apologize to Dr. Junmyeon, hm?" Yixing mumbled. The first step Jongdae took to move them forward was futile when the other refused to budge. "For saying hurtful things about Dr. Junmyeon and for leaving like that without properly apologizing... he was working so hard like the rest too..." The older was starting to nod off. "Maybe harder... just preferred doing it alone... I know... I took his coffee... and I gave him my apples... it was poison..." And Zhang Yixing was out. The alcohol in his stomach might have been agitated when he left his stool and followed Jongdae.

Luckily, the Zhangs' place was nearby and just a block away from his and Jonghyun's apartment, but no matter how much of a short, walking distance it were to be, having a sleeping man with him was more challenging than when he had first performed angioplasty.

His mind was less muddled the time he had successfully deliver his friend, Liyin thoroughly amused at how successfully wasted her cousin was, and when Jongdae had finally reached his apartment, he was just a few blinks away from being sober.




“Junmyeonie was supposed to be celebrating, you know? But he has only been listless since he overheard us,” his older brother said after reaching home an hour later and finding Jongdae in the couch.

He had not moved from it since he arrived, preferring to just stare blankly at what shapes his eyes would recognize in the darkness. Jonghyun didn't bother turning on the lights when he had arrived, either.

“Who knew he'd be eavesdropping on our conversation? I believe I am still entitled to my own opinion,” Jongdae said.

“You are, but it doesn't matter what you feel now. The fact stands that you've hurt Junmyeon with your remarks.”

“If that simple criticism bothered him then that would just be him being weak. If I am wrong then the least he could do is prove it.”

“It may be simple for you but it isn't for him. He had actually proven himself by his performance and it was you who refused to recognize that. At least try to apologize to him?” Jonghyun nudged him on the side.

“Like that would change anything,” he mumbled as he pushed himself off from the couch and headed to his bedroom.

It had been a long night, and it would be a long day ahead.

#

It wasn't a long day, but a long week for Jongdae when he woke up with a slight hangover the following day. His schedule resumed like usual, not much of it changed when surgeries he needed to perform were already decided weeks before.

December had come in and following the change of season and the drop of temperature, a lot of the hospital staff also dropped in terms of health. One of them was Yixing who at early morning, messaged Jongdae over Kakao with the picture of the view from his window—the dark blue Seoul skyline.

'I have always known I am a lonely person deep down who depends on the outside world to feel happy. But the truth still shocked me when I woke up with a clogged nose and I could no longer smell happiness.'

This had Jongdae calling the Zhangs’ place at four out of worry and it was Liyin who answered the phone.

“Noona, I don’t want to disturb but Yixing sent me this weird message and I just want you to check on him please—” His message cut of by chuckles from the woman on the other line.

“Jongdae, don’t worry. I also got a message earlier! It says… let me read it to you, ‘Jie, tell me, is the world bad which is why my body wouldn’t let me breathe in, or am I the bad one for the world to not let me breathe out?’”

“Is he okay?” he asked in a hushed tone.

“Oh, not really. He has a cold. But don’t worry! He tends to be really melodramatic when he’s sick so he sends those deep messages to close friends and family,” Liyin assured him.

Jongdae had known the guy for almost three years now, and this was the first time he had learned of this side. It would also mean it had been a long while since Yixing was down with sickness. And since Jongdae had no other friends to hangout with during weekends no other appointment that day, he asked Liyin if he could drop by so he could visit his friend and the older woman consented.

They agreed to meet before lunch time, at the grocery store a short walk from both their apartment buildings, to the hospital’s direction. The area where they lived was actually an area where the other doctors and hospital staff resided, and it would not surprise him if they would chance upon a familiar face on the way to the store or inside it.

It was a bit disappointing when they didn’t actually bump into somebody they knew. Either most of the people were out of town on their holiday or refused to go outside, opting to sleep the whole day. Those who chose to stay in, or a lot of, were also probably sick due to the weather and temperature. But it wasn’t that everyone was having a day off on a Saturday like them; some might still be very busy at work.

Well it seemed that another person from the hospital was grocery shopping with them. The guy bundled in thick layers of sweaters and thick black jacket wearing a black bonnet and a face mask looking like he’d come to rob instead of shopping was in the next aisle and Jongdae sure recognized the guy’s build. Dr. Kim Junmyeon should just ask the counter for the meds instead of taking everything from the rack——

Wait.

He had to peek from the next aisle to make sure. How in hell he recognized the guy was already some sort of talent. He couldn’t really explain it, he just knew.

“Jongdae?” Liyin who was in charge of the push cart approached him worriedly. He beckoned the older to come closer, bringing his pointer finger to his lips for Liyin to be stealthy with him as they both observed Dr. Kim Junmyeon like some kind of a wild animal.

“It’s Dr. Kim Junmyeon,” he whispered, his gaze following the roundish figure of the guy bound in black layers of cloth who seemed inebriated on his steps. Jongdae rarely saw the first-year resident if not at all during the week and he wondered what the other was up to. At least ever since that night from a week ago.

“Shall we check on him? He looks bad on his feet,” the older woman said, pulling Jongdae with her as they watched Dr. Kim Junmyeon head to the greens section.

"Dr. Kim?" Liyin called out as they came closer. The person in question looked up to their direction and his eyes blanked out trying to find out who had just called him.

"Hello, Dr. Zhang," Dr. Kim Junmyeon greeted as soon as recognition struck him. Jongdae could tell he was grimacing when he straightened his back after bowing with the way his thick eyebrows knitted. The guy must be really sick. And the other’s gaze fell on him. It took longer for Dr. Kim to recognize him or even if the other had earlier, it wasn’t obvious like how there was like a glint of an ‘aha’ moment on the guy’s eyes when he put a name on Liyin’s face. "And Dr. Kim Jongdae," he mumbled, and gave another bow.

"Those are a lot," Liyin commented, gesturing to the other’s basket. Jongdae had to purse his lips because it seemed like Dr. Kim Junmyeon couldn’t read the labels to save his life because there were a few boxes of loperamide unless...

"Common flu, and just stocking up on meds," the guy answered in a muffled voice, pink peeking from the corners of his mask covering his face.

"Is it that bad?" Dr. Zhang asked, genuinely concerned. She stepped forward, but abruptly stopped when the other resident also made a small step back, as if he’d run away if Liyin were to take any more steps towards him.

"No, not really." High quality tone of denial there, something Jongdae could tell easily from people.

"Would you like to join us for lunch?" offered the doctor.

There was a momentary silence, like Dr. Kim Junmyeon was having an internal debate whether to accept the invitation and Jongdae kind of hoped a bit that the other would consider. It would be a challenge, but taking care of two sick individuals would be like hitting two birds with one stone.

But soon, the first-year resident was shaking his head. "I’m sorry, I need to be somewhere after this. And I believe I’ve found what I’ve been looking for. Leeks!" The guy suddenly grabbed something from the second shelf of the refrigerated section. Jongdae was more than worried by now because he sounded hysterical. "Thank you for the offer, Dr. Zhang but I’ll have to go ahead," Dr. Kim Junmyeon bowed and hurried to leave almost stumbling on his feet when he was approaching the counter.

“I am pretty sure that wasn’t…” Liyin trailed off, tilting her head to the side in wonder.

“Yes, that was a radish, noona,” Jongdae confirmed.

#

Monday came, with Jongdae investing most of his weekend taking care of Yixing and his highly melancholic temperament. Even with too much care and love and good meals, both from Jongdae and Liyin, the guy was too weak when the week turned into a new one that the neurosurgeon in training had to take a sick leave.

Upon arriving at the hospital for his shift, though, he was immediately notified of a meeting regarding an upcoming operation which he would head, and team leads of the first-year residents would send in a representative to help him in the procedure.

The catch was, the procedure was rather a tricky one especially for new surgeons. And though an assistant professor specializing in the technique would be shadowing, Jongdae wasn’t that confident that such a challenging surgery should be left on the hands of the first year residents. There was already a big risk of the procedure itself, and the risk was only made bigger with the condition of newbies making up his team. They would have to perform a bypass using the ‘beating-heart’ technique.

Dr. Kyungsoo was elected by his team to work with him. Dr. Zhang’s team sent in Dr. Kim Seokjin, while Dr. Jonghyun’s team had Dr. Kim Junmyeon as the envoy. The rest of his team would be a mixture of great operating staff from the scrub to anesthetist, all of whom had worked with Jongdae in a couple of surgeries before.

Regarding his pseudo-team, they looked like they were rather fit to be doing embroidery or knitting instead of an actual surgery. No offense was meant on that statement, Jongdae had to clarify. The first-years just had that kind of aura.

Dr. Kyungsoo was nervous than ever, still not over the last time he was in a surgery he had unleashed the beast of one of the doctors from medicine and that was a dark moment for the kid’s residency life. For sure, though, the younger would recover and be a better surgeon as long as he’d not give up on himself. Being his mentor, it was Jongdae’s responsibility to not give up on the trainee. Then there was Dr. Kim Seokjin whom he had worked with in a couple of non-invasive surgeries and the guy could sure look after himself and others; plus, having Dr. Kim Seokjin was like having another scrub nurse around. Last but not least, Dr. Kim Junmyeon. The guy was meticulous. That and when he came in to attend the meeting earlier, he looked more like a patient in his pallor, obviously had not fully recovered from the cold yet. By lottery before the meeting, Dr. Kim Junmyeon would be his first assistant.

Jongdae was already praying hard even if the meeting was yet to be adjourned.



The day of the surgery came and went by in a breeze under seven-hours. Surely it was a challenge for Jongdae to be gently holding a beating heart in his hands and showing how to do it properly to Dr. Kim Junmyeon so he could work on the graft while the other two doctors were simultaneous working on a vein to be used. A lot of head tilting to different angles were done but the teamwork was intact all throughout, something of a relief to him having worked for this certain combination of first-year residents for the first time.

Jongdae also noted the improvement on Dr. Kim Junmyeon and it occurred to him that this guy, assigned as his assistant, was no longer the guy who couldn’t properly perform a CVC, but actually the surgeon who aced the mid-exams for his first year of residency. Dr. Kim Seokjin’s slices and cuts were more precise, no longer sending Jongdae internally cringing, and Dr. Kyungsoo’s stitches were clean and evenly-spaced they looked like skin accessories. The first-years were already growing this much and it would be a matter of time when they’d be leading teams themselves. He could only be proud of such positive changes.


"And that's a wrap," he said, as Dr. Kim Seokjin did the finishing stitches and the scrub nurse was starting to set the instruments aside.

"Dr. Jongdae, you promised you'd treat us to high-grade meat if we pull this off and we did," Dr. Kyungsoo reminded, and Jongdae almost forgot the promise he made while they happened to time in together earlier during the day.

"Fine," he mumbled in surrender, earning a few hushed victory hoots and hisses from the other people in the room. The glee was infectious that Jongdae was smiling behind his mask, but the stretch of his lips faltered when his gaze fell on his first assistant who had been very silent and reserved since the operation—no, since the week started, helping the scrub nurse set stuff aside when it was no longer his job to do so. Hopefully the guy was able to hear of the after-party. If not, Dr. Kyungsoo would be there to drag the other along.




Cooked meat smelled so good Jongdae’s mouth was already watering and some of the doctors were already pouring each other’s glass with soju when he noticed that the last batch of people to follow from the hospital had already arrived and some faces he was expecting to find were still not around.

“Where’s Dr. Tao?” He leaned towards Kyungsoo who was seated three seats away and half-shouted, because the noise of sizzling meat and talking people inside the barbeque place was too much for his normal, speaking voice to be heard.

“He stayed to wait for Junmyeon-hyung!” the other answered. “You’ve personally told him to follow, didn’t you?”

“No, I haven’t!”

A frown was suddenly evident on the younger’s face. “You know he was the unimposing type who’d never attend a gathering unless the host had invited him! And you are the host tonight!” Kyungsoo shouted, but his voice remained barely audible with the loud blast of karaoke which was turned on just now.

Jongdae didn’t know it was the case. “I thought you’d drag him along!” replied Jongdae which only earned an eyeroll from Kyungsoo.

“How about you go fetch them together, Jongdae-hyung?” Jongin intercepted, having heard the whole exchange since he was seated in one of the two seats Jongdae and Kyungsoo breached during their conversation; only that Jongin was seated next to Jongdae.

“You haven’t apologized to Dr. Junmyeon either,” Yixing whispered to his ear from Jongdae’s left side. He had long learned it was never a good thing to be on the neurosurgeon’s bad side. “Now go and bring him back here with Dr. Tao. If we are to get wasted, we should all do it together.”


The jogging from the barbecue place to the hospital took around ten minutes on such a cold evening.

No, he lied, he actually sprinted. And he was sweating profusely and smelling of grilled meat like he was the one being roasted when he arrived before the revolving doors of the main entrance to the building.

He was so thankful when he saw he had made it, having spotted the two familiar figures on the other end of the lobby. The two first-years had not noticed him yet; Junmyeon was saying something with a smile while holding to the younger’s arms and Tao was shaking his head. It seemed the younger was in the middle of convincing Dr. Kim Junmyeon to go with them. And, it was time for him to reinforce it.

"Tao!" he called as he made his way towards them, out of breath. He must be looking awful― remembering that Jonghyun told him once that his tired, sweating appearance was horrendous, so he chose to face his teammate instead. "I ran back because I forgot something―Wait here―I'll just go get it," he mumbled and it was so embarrassing because why was he getting shy just because he felt the other doctor in their company to be staring at him?

Entering the elevator and pressing the button to the highest floor, he hoped it wouldn't be obvious that it took him less time to go get whatever he had forgotten. Oh! He could just say he had belatedly realized he had it―whatever it was―in his pocket all along.

A ding went off and the doors opened, only for Jongdae to spam the close button and push 'G'. The smooth whir of the machine as it descended served as a music to him who spent the whole elevator trip stringing his words together, enough so it wouldn't be too awkward around Dr. Kim Junmyeon. Along with that, he prayed he wasn't too nervous that he could finally face the other doctor.

When he returned to where he left the two earlier in the lobby, it was only Dr. Tao who was there waiting. The younger looked up to him as he approached.

"Where's Dr. Kim?" Jongdae asked.

"Hyung said he has dinner to catch so he couldn't join the party," answered the younger.

Too bad. If he knew, he could have just dragged the two out from the get-go and had not let timidity get the better of him. Slinging an arm around the big baby of his team was also a difficult feat given that Jongdae wasn't well endowed with height but that didn't deter him from successfully doing so as they headed outside to join the party.

Jongdae should just catch Dr. Kim Junmyeon the next day and treat him to something to make up for it. The apology which the other deserved was also included.




It was chaos when Jongdae and Tao arrived at the party. The whole place was in the midst of a truth or dare game―cross that, Dr. Lee Jinki from Pediatrics was holding his can of sticks which meant it was actually a King's Game and it seemed like two first years got the highly coveted sticks.

There was not much rule to follow aside from the fact that all people were the Kings' poor subjects. Unfortunately, Yixing and Chanyeol were dared to do something and everybody erupted into all out cheering and coaxing when the two were tasked to kiss. It became more interesting when the giant pathologist in training hushed everyone, telling them he had to ask permission from his boyfriend first. The crowd consented as long as the call would be broadcasted.

"Babe?" Chanyeol carefully asked when it connected. Some giggles were let out when the person on the other line just sleepily hummed, rest obviously interrupted by the phone call. "I've told you that I'll be coming home late due to a celebratory barbecue treat by Jongdae-hyung, right?" the pathology trainee asked.

An understanding hum from Baekhyun and a, "You also promised you'd never get wasted since we're supposed to catch that re-run of Kingsman later on TV," had the crowd cooing.

"Yeah, I won't. Actually! Babe, I'm calling because―because I’ve been dared to kiss Dr. Zhang Yixing-hyung! Just because the kings are convinced that I look like Touya and he looks like Yukito from Cardcaptor Sakura!" the child-like doctor gasped at his mix-up which had most of the seniors pounding their fist on the table, laughing. It also seemed like the boyfriend didn't like it with the way Chanyeol fidgeted with only silence on the other line.

"Dr. Zhang? And Cardcaptor Sakura? Oh my god! " Baekhyun screeched. "You'll get to kiss Xingxing-hyung? What are you doing hanging out on the call with me? Do it now and tell me later! Kiss him! Oh my god! If I get to kiss you later then that would mean I had an indirect kiss with him, right?"

Most of the crowd were clutching their stomach by now, Baekhyun's reaction being an unexpected one. Chanyeol nodded and answered a soft "Yeah."

"You know I love you and I can't randomly kiss people just because I find them hot, right?" The excitable guy blabbered on the other end of the line. "And you know Chanyeol Xingxing-hyung is one of those hot people and I really appreciate the honesty, baby! I love you so much!" Kissy noises followed which had Jongdae and the people around him either stage-gagging or guffawing. "Now go kiss him!" was Baekhyun's last screech and the line went dead.

It shouldn't be a surprise when the barbecue place almost flipped when the actual kiss happened. Jongdae had traveled to the bar counter to talk to the owner if they could rent the place for the rest of the night in respect to the other customers who might find their crowd being too crazy noisy, but he was smirking when Yixing, the notorious kissing monster, gave Chanyeol a 10-second lip-press at the other end of the room while the rest were cheering and guffawing.

The other doctors didn't fail to ask him about Dr. Kim Junmyeon, and he could only tell them of the other doctor's prior engagements as told by Tao. It then made him feel a bit guilty for the rest of the evening, opting to just sit in the corner and laugh along with the crowd. And he hoped, wherever Dr. Kim Junmyeon was then, the guy was enjoying himself so that Jongdae would stop worrying and feeling like he left the other out on purpose when he didn't.

#

A glass of honey-lemon water Jonghyun prepared during breakfast didn't make the hangover go away but at least the natural sweetness of the drink made him relatively amiable than having not drunk it at all. Or so he thought.

For most of the morning, he was hoping to bump into Dr. Kim Junmyeon so he could invite him to a meal or something to make it up since the other wasn't able to join the party the previous night. Then there was the apology he had yet to give.

He was almost convinced that Dr. Kim Junmyeon was on leave since he had not seen the other anywhere for hours when normally Jongdae would already be subjected to the first-year resident's staring and awkward smiling (when caught) not even a quarter into his shift. Thanks to Jonghyun, Jongdae was proven wrong and that he could finally get to talk to the other.

His brother's arm was slung around the other doctor's shoulder and Jongdae noted he'd have to stop Jonghyun from doing that to him or to anybody because it looked too touchy. Dr. Kim Junmyeon was nodding to something when Jongdae came closer, though his presence was totally ignored.

"A keeper?" Jonghyun asked the other. Jongdae kept on following them while trying his hardest to not listen in to the conversation.

"Definitely," Dr. Kim Junmyeon softly answered.

"Damn," the older sighed. "Hey Junmyeonie, if I were to have a younger sibling who is not a menace like Jongdae, would you want to be my brother-in-law?"

How dare his older brother call him a menace! But wait―so the topic had probably something to do with dating, yes? Well, if Dr. Kim Junmyeon was out on a date last night then Jongdae should stop feeling guilty that the other wasn't able to join them. It could actually be a cause for celebration!

But he had to talk to Dr. Kim Junmyeon first before he could plan for a congratulatory treat or something. Also, he had to deal with his Jonghyun-hyung for calling him a menace.

“Hyung,” he called out, tired from silently tailing the two. His voice had the two jumping in surprise though, which was a bit amusing. Jongdae made a mental note to remind Jonghyun to monitor his coffee intake as well as his babies’.

“What is it Dr. Kim Jongdae?” his older brother asked. It was to Jongdae's wishes that he'd be addressed in his full name to avoid confusion among the staff but sometimes, it felt a bit too impersonal; especially when used by people close to him.

Before he was even able to answer, Dr. Kim Junmyeon had excused himself and left them―a soft ‘I'll go ahead,’ and a bow―and Jongdae was left gaping.

“Dr. Kim, I believe you can―” stay. Jongdae called out, trying, but the other resident had already turned to the corner and had not heard him. “Damnit.”

“What was that? What did you need?” Jonghyun turned to him and asked.

He could only sigh at the missed chance. If he were persistent maybe he'd get another later.

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

“Are you actually trying to apologize to Junmyeon?” the other asked, a knowing smile on his lips that was meant to annoy him. This older brother of his was the real menace, Jongdae thought as the other nudged him by the arm.

“Nevermind,” he said as he turned away from Jonghyun.

Jongdae needed to get the important things done first before he could talk about it. His gossip-mongering older brother could wait.

#

Around three more surgeries and countless tasks around the hospital, Jongdae was back to looking out for any chances to talk to Dr. Kim Junmyeon. He knew the other was also very busy, considering he rarely saw him even during breaks, but good thing he remembered Yixing had mentioned once about an unofficial sandwich(?) club meeting on the benches near the vending machine on the third floor. Which reminded him, in turn, that it was Kyungsoo's favorite hangout. And with Kyungsoo being a close friend to Dr. Kim Junmyeon, Jongdae might have a bigger chance to catch the other there.

And he was right. The marshmallow duo, as how the staff referred to the two, was talking in hushed voices when he saw them. Moving his shift around a bit just so he could have the same break with Dr. Kyungsoo was worth it.

“Dr. Soo!” he called as he approached them. It was deja vu when Dr. Kim Junmyeon had once again excused himself and left after acknowledging Jongdae's presence.

“Ah, my little drop of sunshine was chased away by the thunder cloud,” muttered Dr. Kyungsoo as they both watched Dr. Kim Junmyeon's retreating back. He then turned to Jongdae with a measuring glance and said, “My break isn't over yet.”

“I know. I just thought I could join you,” Jongdae answered.

“Wrong timing, though. I was having a nice conversation with Junmyeon-hyung.”

“About what?” he asked as he occupied the seat next to the younger.

“Nothing that concerns you," answered the first year resident with a shrug. "If you're feigning interest to appear amiable then you're an awful person.”

“But what if I'm really interested to know?”

“Really? You have this impression that we talk just because you're my team lead. I doubt you'd ever spare me a glance if I was designated to another team," Dr. Kyungsoo admitted. Jongdae couldn't retort when the fact that he was rather choosy with the people he'd talk to was true. "Anyway, here's your usual coffee. I'll find some bread in the cafeteria because I'm craving for one. See you later,” he said as he handed Jongdae the usual warm can and left his seat.

“You can't just set me aside like this!" Jongdae called after the younger who just waved his hand at him without sparing a glance. "Am I not your favorite?”

Dr. Kyungsoo darkly chuckled and answered as he walked on, “Isn't it the other way around?” to which Jongdae could only whine in defeat.

He had raised his children so well that one of them had actually beaten him in sarcasm just a while ago. But aside from that, they also had to learn persistence from him.

If he failed once in catching some time with Dr. Kim Junmyeon, then he could always try for a second. Unfortunately, he failed the next chance and he wasn't able to have a third when the resident no longer showed up in the sandwich club hangout. Dr. Kyungsoo would only shrug at him when asked about the other's whereabouts, and the other residents were of lesser to no help either.

It might be luck when he caught Dr. Tao sneaking around as Jongdae was about to talk to the younger to ask if he knew where Dr. Kim Junmyeon was. Like a cat prowling to not get caught, the first-year resident carefully reached the corridors of the genitourinary department and entered the room near the fire exit. Jongdae followed the younger, realizing that he had entered the department's storage room as he closed the door behind him.

Dr. Tao was standing before a drawn curtain, looking at Jongdae with wide-eyes, most likely out of surprise for being caught.

"What are you doing here?" Jongdae said under his breath as he approached the younger. Dr. Tao only answered with a finger to his lips to tell Jongdae to keep quiet, another hand on the drawn cloth before him.

When the younger pulled the curtain to the side they soon found a curled-up figure on the bed. The weak light from the lamp on the headrest of the cot nearest the door was the only source in the room which only provided Jongdae enough of an idea who the person was. A sleeping Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

His company was soon coaxing the resting doctor to wake up, with Jongdae torn between whether he should let Dr. Tao keep on or drag the younger out of the room and let the other first-year resident continue sleeping.

It was too late to make a decision as Dr. Kim Junmyeon stirred and slowly opened his eyes. Jongdae felt nervous because normally, people disturbed during sleep would be irritated. He had yet to witness the meek doctor being irritated and he was kind of scared―as he believe in the saying ‘silent waters run deep’.

There was a confused look on the resident's eyes when their gazes met, a flash of recognition and the newly awakened guy whipped his head to look at Dr. Tao like a caught animal.

Dr. Kim Junmyeon abruptly sat up, almost bumping his head into Dr. Tao, while he fixed his hair and rubbed his eyes. "I’m sorry," he said as he hurriedly combed his hair with his fingers. Contented with the short fix, though Jongdae was tempted to pat down a bunch of hair sticking out on the side of the resident's head, the doctor took a deep breath and turned to Dr. Tao. "Okay, I’m ready."

"Relax, hyung. I was just looking for you since I heard from the nurses that you haven't eaten yet," the younger resident explained. "Let's go grab something since it's my break? Dr. Soo and Dr. Jongin are waiting at the cafeteria."

The relief on Dr. Kim Junmyeon's face was obvious but confusion once again settled on his features when his gaze landed on Jongdae for a second and back towards Dr. Tao.

"Oh, I think it's—It's not the right time, Dr. Tao. I mean—" Dr. Kim Junmyeon forced out a smile. Jongdae knew the smile was different than the usual. It couldn't be a smile, on second thought, it was actually a grimace. "Yeah, Dr. Lee needs me somewhere now. Maybe next time? Thanks for the offer, though. Dr. Tao, Dr. Kim Jongdae," the doctor said, the acknowledgement was rather cold when he bowed without sparing Jongdae another glance.

And that was when it clicked, the same time when the door let out a sound when it closed, that Dr. Kim Junmyeon was avoiding him.

"Hyung, you're not bullying Junmyeon-hyung, aren't you?" Dr. Tao asked and Jongdae could only throw him a questioning glance out of surprise. "He kind of slipped up when we were talking yesterday and Kyungsoo-hyung was able to make him admit that he just went home instead of going with us to the party last time."

Now it drove the point home that Dr. Kim Junmyeon had been deliberately avoiding him and it took him a long time to realize that. What an actual awful person he was, he knew that, and he had to make amends as soon as possible or else it wouldn't just be Jonghyun or Yixing going after his head but his own kids in the team as well.

#

Soon meant the next morning, when Jongdae had fully rehearsed what to say―explaining to the other that he didn't mean any misunderstanding and apologizing for being tactless that one night―that he chanced upon Dr. Kim Junmyeon with Dr. Kyungsoo on the bench near the vending machine.

He had meant to approach them like what he'd usually do, but he was taken aback by how Dr. Kim Junmyeon smiled in the whole conversation with Dr. Kyungsoo. It was the smile that Jongdae had first seen from the guy and he knew it was his genuine one. Everything just felt light even for Jongdae who was just a spectator.

And soon, the conversation was ending and Dr. Kim Junmyeon was leaving for the opposite direction. From Jongdae who was subtly observing from the nurses' station, it would be awkward if he were to run after the guy. So he chose to not make any move, only noting how airy the guy's chuckle was when Dr. Kyungsoo made a funny remark.

It felt surreal, hearing the doctor laugh for the first time. And since Dr. Kim Junmyeon seemed like in the best of spirits, it might also be a good day for Jongdae to try and approach him to talk and apologize to later.

#

Fate would be a bad jester. That was what Jongdae thought when he happened to drop by the E.R. to lend a hand since he was free and the supervisor could use some help to tone down the chaos. Just as he was approaching Dr. Park Sojin the great E.R. mother, to report in, a loud gasp broke through the noise from one side of the room.

One of the staff was down.

His feet brought him immediately to the scene as he watched his older brother do a body check while Jongdae kneeled to the person's other side to assist. Blue fabrics were cut and soon, a cyanotic pale chest was exposed. It was only then he realized that the person who they were attending to was Dr. Kim Junmyeon.

Jonghyun was doing the CPR while Jongdae attached the monitor and defibrillator. Dr. Sojin was in-charge of the airway, administering oxygen as his older brother was finishing with the round of chest compressions all the while staring at the monitor. One second, two seconds, there was only an insistent ringing of the monitor and Jongdae was applying gel on the paddles.

"V-fib!" Jongdae said. "I am going to shock on three. One, I'm clear... Two, you're clear," looking at the two doctors with him and, "Three, everybody is clear." A jolt wracked the body lying in front him as the paddles came into contact with the unconscious resident's skin.

Another round of chest compressions were delivered by Jonghyun as Jongdae worked on attaching the IV and Dr. Sojin interrupted the CPR for a moment to work on the endotracheal tube; advanced airway managed in less than six seconds. Epinephrine was administered and Jongdae had his eyes on the monitor.

Please work.

The ECG's reading didn't change. There was only the shrill erratic beeping of the machine which was nothing but jarring.

Another round of shouting for the others to keep away and he delivered 160 joules of shock to the body. He should have been used to resuscitating people, but then it felt like the paddles, which he had come to be acquainted with for being in service for three years, were suddenly unfamiliar. His grip was tighter than ever, but it was as if it was the first time for him to hold them.

Two minutes, the time allotted for a doctor to give quality CPR, had Jongdae looking elsewhere when the rest of the eyes in the room were trained on the monitor. It was only then he realized that it would be the first time he was seeing Dr. Kim Junmyeon's face upclose, him getting to take note of the other's features more than what one could observe in a five-second glance.

It made him think of the times he could have just looked at it properly and maybe returned the smiles given to him. And it would no longer be possible if they wouldn’t be able to save him. Dr. Kim Junmyeon had to stay.

Stay.

A snap on his pinky barrelled Jongdae out from his thoughts. His breathing hitched as the cacophony of beeping assaulting his ear since earlier melded into a single high pitched drone two seconds after Jonghyun stopped with the compressions. He didn't know how his gaze fell back to his little finger, how the thin, pink line on his skin grew thinner and disappeared.

‘This can't be,’ was all he was able to let out. The asystole and the disappearing of his thread. It was a bad joke. It was a really bad joke.

And he thought Sunyoung's death was already excruciating. This one, he couldn't put a name to it. It felt like he was suddenly hollowed out. It was far from painful, but it was the most uncomfortable feeling Jongdae had ever felt.

“You heard that Junmyeonie? You can't,” gritted Jonghyun as he soon started another round of chest compressions.

Two minutes. Two minutes of chest poundings, of heart pumping, of making the monitor give out a steady rhythm of beeps.

120 seconds. 120 seconds given for Jongdae to start praying. But how could he sound coherent right now when his brain was working as a doctor and a person who was about to lose someone at the same time?

Jonghyun gave his last pump to the chest as the rest of the room fell into a shock. Time is always allocated for pulse and rhythm monitoring, but some less hopeful eyes were already eying the big round clock on the wall.

The monitor was more than generous in giving only a horizontal line on its screen. It was only a matter of seconds before Jonghyun could declare the unavoidable outcome of the current case. And Jongdae didn't want to hear it, nor did he want to look at Dr. Kim Junmyeon's face anymore. He just wanted to leave.

Sunyoung had brought his heart with her when she left. This, he had allowed.

But Dr. Kim Junmyeon, almost a stranger to him, had ripped Jongdae's soul and was leaving with it without his consent.

It was unfair. Unfair of the other to leave just like this. And unfair of him to beg him to stay, when Jongdae was given a lot of chances before to talk to the person.

Jonghyun had looked up to him and to the clock to announce the inevitable when Jongdae felt it. It was really weak but there was this profound feeling in him that had him grabbing to his older brother's arm to stop him. And then it happened. A faint rise in the line picked up and soon a steady beeping was heard.

"And he's back," Dr. Sojin announced. The whole E.R, both staff and patients, gave a sigh of relief to what might have been the most intense event of the day.

"You gave us a scare there, buddy." Jonghyun nervously chuckled as he gave the unconscious doctor's shoulder a soft squeeze, giving out instructions together with Dr. Sojin right after for post emergency care.

There was a comfortable warmth settling on Jongdae's finger and he didn't have to look at it to confirm that the pink thread which he lost for a while earlier had returned.

#

Coronary angiography, check for ST elevation. TTM. Amiodarone 300. Systolic arterial pressure at 110. Jongdae could only watch mutely on the side as the resuscitated resident was wheeled out of the room to be transferred.

He would like to stay to ask what exactly had happened, but he suddenly felt suffocated that he was fleeing from the ward soon. Intending to head outside to smoke, he whined when an arm wrapped around his shoulders and he was being led to the nearest fire exit, Jonghyun closing the doors behind them and bringing him to sit on the highest step.

Just one. He had never been a fan of smoking but he did have some once-a-month affair with nicotine when he was still in med school. He stopped when he became an assistant resident, half a pact to himself and the other half a promise to Jonghyun on taking care of his body better. It had only been a little over a year but he was already having a relapse. But maybe he could beg his older brother to let him just for this moment.

“I―” just wanted to smoke.

That was what Jongdae wanted to say but before his mouth could utter the next word, the dry feeling from his lips traveled down his throat and formed knots inside his neck.

He was surprised when he heard a sob, and immediately turned to Jonghyun. The other was just calmly looking back at him, face painted with understanding.

The shock doubled when his eyes blurred and he found out that he was the one who made the horrible sound.

Before any tears could escape, he instinctively brought an arm over his eyes, whimpering as he stifled another sob. He might have really looked pathetic to his brother, as he felt strong arms pulling him in and covering his head in a tight embrace. The last time Jonghyun did that was when he was throwing a tantrum over a broken arm of his favorite dino toy when he was nine years old.

“Hyung...” Jongdae garbled as he looked up to meet his older brother's eyes. “I've never felt so scared before.”

Jonghyun nodded.

“Kim Junmyeon―That was just a coincidence, right? He can't be?”

“What do you think?” Jonghyun replied with another question as he grabbed Jongdae's hand and looked down to his younger brother's pinky.

The red thin line settled mutely on Jongdae's finger unchanged like it never disappeared a while ago, like he himself had not seen it disappear and return when the first-year resident left and came back.

“If he isn't you would never be so affected as you are now, don't you think?”

Jongdae knew that, of course. But hearing another person tell it to him made it more real than it already was.

#

Jongdae was on an extended break, courtesy of his older brother who had talked to the senior resident about the situation. His supervisor allowed him to take a half-day leave, but it was him who chose to stay and promised to pick up his tasks and work on them after an hour.

“Here," Dr. Kyungsoo offered, handing Jongdae two cans of coffee. "The warm one's my treat out of guilt. The other one's the usual, just turned cold.”

Jongdae could only look at the younger confused as they sat on the bench near the vending machine.

“Just take them,” the first-year resident insisted.

“Thank you.”

“The person who has been asking me to deliver you coffee said it'd be the last one,” started Kyungsoo after a bout of silence.

“I seriously thought you were the one treating me all this time." Jongdae smiled weakly as he opened the warm can of coffee and took a sip from it.

“Really? How dense could you get?" Dr. Kyungsoo remarked. "As I've said, I'm not nice.”

“You say you're not, but you've been doing this delivery thing for them.”

“I don't really mind doing favors for friends. Plus, I have a bet with myself on how long it'd take you to find out," admitted the younger. Jongdae was tempted to ask at what age did Dr. Kyungsoo get into gambling, but he chose to keep his mouth shut. "I was betting on the 22nd can you'd realize it, but the 40th came and you still didn't.”

“And this is the last.” Just because he was a little too slow on the uptake.

“Yep. That's the 43rd by the way."

“So... care telling me who this friend of yours is?”

“I promised I'd never tell on them. Besides, it'd be already pointless for you to know since they have gotten over their little crush on you. Good thing they finally realized how much of an asshole you are compared to anybody here.” Dr. Kyungsoo smiled, making Jongdae wonder whether it was meant to offend or some kind of a twisted endearment of the younger. “Oh well, my break's up,” the first-year resident announced as he left the seat and tucked a hand into the front pocket of his scrubs.

“Tell me first.”

“That coffee," Dr. Kyungsoo pointedly gazed at the unopened can Jongdae had put on the unoccupied seat next to him, "would have been from a dead person and it would have been a pleasure for me to stay and watch the clueless you consume it if things happened differently today.”

Jongdae could only gape, the disbelief in his face apparent when Dr. Kyungsoo derisively snorted.

"You know Dr. Jongdae, I don't know whether I'd actually love you or hate you. Your I.Q. may be high up there but your E.Q.―or whatever it is that you have―is deep down," Dr. Kyungsoo pointed towards to floor with a straight face, "deep down there."

#

The hours dragged like Jongdae had not attended to various patients during his shift, finding ways to pass by Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s room or bump into his older brother just to ask about the other’s status. Within the first three hours since the E.R. incident, the first-year resident’s family arrived at the hospital―an old couple with a teenager in tow, all of whom had varying degrees of worry painted on each faces―and though Jongdae didn’t bother to approach and decided to quietly watch as Jonghyun talked to them, he couldn’t help but feel sorry especially to the kid, most likely Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s younger brother, who seemed to be the most affected of all.

Five hours later Jongdae was sitting with Yixing, Dr. Minseok, Dr. Jongin and Dr. Chanyeol on the bench near the vending machine with the tallest doctor trying to cheer everyone up by saying Jongdae was like a fill-in to Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s post since the first-year wouldn’t be able to join them in their sandwich club meetings for a while. Jongin suggested that the agenda for the meeting at the time would be a surprise party for Dr. Kim Junmyeon once the latter recovered. The rest agreed, with Yixing assuring them that the results for the MRI and CT scans were good and the doctor who was in coma might come out of it soon.

Not soon after, when the club had settled with a simple barbecue party like the last time (which Dr. Kim Junmyeon missed), Jonghyun messaged him that their sleeping patient had shown signs of waking up. An hour and a half later, Jongdae was rushing to the room, stopping in front of the sliding door as he watched from the small glass window the newly awakened doctor with the family on the side, the younger brother Jongdae eventually came to know as Minho bawling like a big baby by the side of the bed.

There was only relief for Jongdae right after Dr. Kim Junmyeon had awoken, for he finally had to rest from keeping constant watch over his pinky for any weird, tugging feeling during the whole time the latter was asleep. He was afraid that if he were to not pay attention, the thread would once again snap like it did before and it would never come back.

#

It was another week when Jongdae got to see Dr. Kim Junmyeon on the floor again. Thanks to Jonghyun, the issue regarding the incident was settled with the higher-ups with minimal disciplinary actions involved.

The first-year resident was in front of the vending machine, having just gotten a can of coffee, when Jongdae chanced upon him during his evening break. Seeing the other once again made him smile inwardly.

He stood near the machine and cleared his throat, making the other look up to him from the can he was holding. There was it again, the flash of wariness that worried Jongdae but it wouldn’t be gone unless he were to correct it. Dr. Kim Junmyeon had once again apologized―maybe for blocking the vending machine or taking the last can of long black, Jongdae didn’t really know the reason for―and was hurriedly leaving.

“How about my coffee?” Jongdae asked, loud enough for the other to hear, as he fed the machine a bill and pushed a button to get a can of tea. The nearby retreating steps halted as he picked up his order from the slot and turned to face the other. “You know, the usual?”

His last remark had the other guy turning back to him that Jongdae feared the other would break his neck. Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s thick eyebrows were furrowed and he looked like he was about to say something but chose to shut his mouth and clench his jaw, instead. The other’s hostility served only as a sign for Jongdae to press on.

When he arrived in front of the resident, he grabbed the can of coffee from the other’s hands, popped the can open and took a few gulps from it.

“It's always good when it's still warm,” he said, lightly shaking the half-empty can in his hand. “You time out tomorrow at ten, right? My shift ends at eight. I can wait for you then we can have lunch together,” Jongdae said as he slipped the can of warm tea into the pocket of Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s scrubs.

The befuddlement on the doctor’s face was almost comical which had Jongdae beaming in amusement. He had just learned that Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s face was this expressive.

“You’re still recovering, aren’t you? I’ll have to monitor your coffee intake for now and think of this as my usual. That,” he pointed to the can in the other’s pocket, “is your own version of the usual,” he told the resident as he excused himself with the promise of seeing the other tomorrow.



“The coffee―it didn’t mean anything and I wasn’t expecting anything in return. Not this meal nor anything at all,” Dr. Kim Junmyeon said as soon as they were seated in their table in a restaurant downtown.

The menu was a little bit pricey for Jongdae’s taste but he had no qualms about it when he half-dragged the reluctant resident inside the place when it felt like any other spot where it was more open would give the other a chance to flee.

“Eat up. Here, I'll give you this,” he said as he put a slice of meat from his plate to the other’s and retrieved a small slice of chicken fillet in exchange. Dr. Kim Junmyeon had not moved from his seat at all, keeping his hands on his lap and refusing to touch the food served to them.

“Doctor Kim Jongdae, I don't think―”

“My name is Kim Jongdae but please call me Jongdae. My most favorite is rice. Though, I like meat, too. I just stay at home during my spare time and watch horror movies. Sometimes when I feel like it I go exercise in the gym. How about you?”

Okay, that was smooth. A better conversation starter than starting everything with an apology.

“If you feel guilty for having opinions about my exam results, you shouldn’t. You don’t need to apologize.”

“Is that how you introduce yourself?”

“Let's just admit this dinner is awkward. And I just don't see the point in this,” the other resident said.

“Do you think I'm forcing myself?” Jongdae asked.

“Yes.”

“I'm not. And you're being difficult. Please don’t waste good food,” he said as he gestured to the untouched plate in front of the person.

“I can just wait for you to finish the main course and then this difficult person can leave.”

“If you can't stay until the dancing-to-the-slow-music part then at least join me for dessert?” he quipped, hoping to make the situation less awkward.

Dr. Kim Junmyeon just shook his head with a nervous smile on his lips. “No, thank you,” he immediately answered.

“I’m sorry. For saying hurtful things about you,” Jongdae said when the silence stretched a beat longer between them. “And I brought you here because I need to talk to you about something―regarding my soulmate.”

There was surprise in the other’s eyes when their gazes met but it was soon cut off when Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s gaze fell on Jongdae’s left hand.

“I see what this is now about,” the guy said with a mirthless chuckle and continued, looking back to him, “You didn't have to spend so much on a meal like this, though. I meant, I would still stay away from you without you telling me to. If I made you feel awkward before because of this little admiration I had for you and you think it―I― would be troublesome for you and your soulmate, you don’t need to worry.”

Oh god, not another misunderstanding. Jongdae needed to think and act fast.

“Now that this whole thing has been settled, I'm relieved,” the other doctor said as he stood from his chair and reached for the wallet in his pocket. “All that thinking and guessing what this whole lunch is about tired me out somehow so I will be excusing myself now. By the way, congratulations Dr. Kim Jongdae,” he bowed, leaving some bills on the table. But before he could step away, Jongdae had already grabbed on his wrist to hold him into place.

“It's you, Kim Junmyeon,” Jongdae said as he held their gazes. There was only confusion on the other’s face as the first-year resident’s thick brows once again furrowed and worked wonders on his forehead. “You are my soulmate.”

Slowly, very slowly, Jongdae saw how the words settled on the other but instead of an acceptance, the other just shook his head and forced his wrist free from Jongdae’s grip.

“No,” the guy said, almost in a whisper as he walked out of the restaurant.

Jongdae had let a lot of chances go, all of it just letting the other escape and watch his retreating back. But not this time. He’d never allow it this time. He left his card to the waiter, telling him he’d later return for it as he had someone to catch at the moment.

When the other noticed Jongdae was going after him, he sprinted (the very first time Jongdae had actually seen the guy do it) away but thanks to himself being a faster runner (when he wanted to be) he was able to catch Dr. Kim Junmyeon after a few blocks.

“Let me go!” shouted the guy as Jongdae held onto his left arm.

“No! We have to talk and you need to listen to me first!”

“I have no time for this!”

Jongdae stepped forward and turned to face him. “We really need to talk,” he told Dr. Kim Junmyeon as calmly as he could―which wasn’t as calm as he wanted it to be, for his ragged breathing only made him sound twice desperate.

“If you don't let go I'm going to punch you!” warned the other.

“I know you won't,” he answered with confidence.

“This is the second warning, Dr. Kim Jongdae. And this will be the last. I really am punching you if you don't let go now in three… Two...”

His ‘Try―’ versus the other’s ‘One!’ melded with the sound of knuckles hitting his face. His poor face.

The world turned dark for a second and Jongdae had to step back a little to keep his balance. But the reeling wouldn’t stop that he had to sit on the pavement for a while earning a few curious glances from the passersby.

“I warned you!” Dr. Kim Junmyeon screeched, walking past Jongdae to leave.

Warmth spread in his nose and red drops fell on the stone pavement where he sat. He deserved the punch, but he still hoped his nose wasn’t broken.

“Are you okay?” an old man, one of the curious passersby, approached him and asked in concern.

“It's okay, sir, I'm fine.” Jongdae tried to smile but one of the corners of his lips stung so it came out as a grimace.

This only worried the man further, and so asked, “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

“No, it's really okay. Thank you,” he assured as he tried to stand up, one hand pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’ll take care of him, sir,” a voice interrupted when the old man was about to insist.

When Jongdae looked up, Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s face came into view. “Here,” he muttered as he offered Jongdae his handkerchief.

Accepting it with a ‘thank you’, he yet again grimaced as red soaked the small cloth fast. "You could really pull a punch," he commented as the other mutely looked down at him.

"I won’t apologize," the out-of-duty doctor told him.

“No need. That was for self defense,” he managed to quip before standing on his feet.

But the world started spinning a little bit once again when he though he had managed, sending him to teeter sideways worse than his drunken version of walking straight. Luckily, Dr. Kim Junmyeon was nice enough to keep him up.



The place was relatively small compared to his and Jonghyun’s apartment. It was a 1LDK with the walls painted in cream and that lone indoor potted plant near the veranda as an accessory. The small coffee table was cluttered with piles of books as Jongdae occupied the worn-out loveseat in the living room. Dr. Kim Junmyeon might be avoiding him, but the guy still brought Jongdae to his place. And though Jongdae was so tempted to comment about it, he stopped himself for the risk of being kicked out and losing all his chance to have a proper talk with the guy.

“It disappeared. My thread with yours―when your heart stopped for a minute in the E.R. while we were resuscitating you. That's how I knew you're my soulmate,” he said as the other came back from the kitchen with a towel and a basin of warm water.

“It is just a combination of coincidence and wishful thinking,” Dr. Kim Junmyeon said in retort as Jongdae accepted the wet towel to wipe the dried up blood under his nose.

“Perhaps it was also pure coincidence when our threads returned when your heart started beating again. I know it's ridiculous of me to ask but―you don't need to believe in this whole soulmate thing, I just want you to trust me.”

“How can I do that when I know you hate me?” asked the other, accepting the bloodied towel from Jongdae to wash it in the basin.

“I don't hate you,” was his immediate answer.

“But you did.”

“I didn't either.”

The silence was punctuated by the sloshing of the water as the guy wrung the towel and handed it back to Jongdae.

“You just disliked me," the guy said when Jongdae was back to cleaning up his face.

Oh god, Dr. Kim Junmyeon was one stubborn person.

“I'm trying to like you now.”

“Just because of the soulmate thing, right?”

“Partly, yes. But a bigger part of me is genuinely interested in you.”

“Why?” asked the other.

“I can't really explain it.”

“Then I can't trust you.”

“What does your instinct say about me? I think you should follow it,” he said, hoping it would make the other consider, returning the towel to the kind guy who had just punched him.

“It says I can't trust you,” Dr. Kim Junmyeon answered in an instant. Okay, that remark was the real punch.

Well, if that were the case Jongdae could still try to make the guy trust him later. It was just a matter of perspective and he refused to acknowledge any defeat unless the other would tell him to leave him alone.

“Do you have ice cream?” he asked, intentionally overstaying his welcome. If just in case the other didn’t have any in his fridge, he could suggest they go out and buy it together, therefore he’d get to stay with Dr. Kim Junmyeon for a little longer leading to them talking longer―

“I think I have a pint in the fridge. I'll go get it for you,” the other answered and left him for a while, only to return with a serving of ice cream in a small bowl.

Oh the grin on Jongdae’s face (though the cut on his lips made the charming expression difficult) when he realized that the ice cream flavor was his favorite.

“How did you know apple mint is my favorite?” he asked.

What a very unique question when he already knew that the guy used to admire him. Maybe―

“I didn't. I just like apple mint myself,” Dr. Kim Junmyeon clarified with a straight face. Jongdae might be continuously punched left and right for now and definitely his hopes would fall but he was more than that!

“I actually didn't like it before,” Jongdae said as he brought a spoonful of it to his mouth and chewed it. “But when I was young, I tripped after getting an ice cream and I was totally upset. Then this kid offered me his cone of apple mint and helped me up. Ever since then apple mint has become my most favorite ice cream flavor.” He sighed right after, remembering just a few bits of that childhood memory, and he also hoped that by sharing such, the other would be encouraged to tell him how the flavor became his favorite, too.

“I see,” Dr. Kim Junmyeon said, deep in thought. Jongdae held his breath when the other stared at him for more than three seconds. It had been a while since the other spared him that long of a glance; not that he was keeping tabs. "I’ll just get you some change of clothes.” The guy left him once again to head to the other side of the apartment where his bedroom was.


Having renewed hope and confidence, he emerged from the bathroom fully-changed into Dr. Kim Junmyeon’s clothes only to find himself alone in the apartment. He couldn’t believe it at first but the owner of the place actually left him, a total stranger, inside most likely just to avoid him.

‘Please lock the door when you leave and just leave the key with the guard in the lobby’ was on a note he found on the dining table and he sighed as he closed the lights and the front door behind him.

Beggars couldn't be choosers and Jongdae could only accept what the other could offer.



When he caught up with Dr. Junmyeon [last name dropped to imply one-sided closeness] in the hospital to return the latter’s clothes, he was only turned down, including the garments he so carefully washed and dried with the reason that they were old clothes which the other doctor had no longer use for. The implications of the garments being ‘disposable’ and Jongdae being ‘just another charity case’ made him feel a bit sad. Of course, Dr. Junmyeon had not outrightly said it so he could still think of more positive things. Again, perspective.

And with this perspective, he left the bag of clothes in the other’s locker instead only to have a very rare encounter with the garbage can when Dr. Junmyeon disposed of the bag on the way out. His arm was still sticking into the metal cylinder, trying to reach to the upturned bag in the bottom of it, when Dr. Kyungsoo passed by with Dr. Tao. Of all people it would be the two! And of all arms bestowed upon him it would be a pair of short ones!

"Wow, that’s some high level stalker-tendency you got there, hyung. You don’t need to rummage for cans and used tissue papers for an indirect kiss, you know?” Dr. Tao snickered.

"A taste of your own medicine, huh?" Dr. Kyungsoo quipped as he cocked an eyebrow towards Jongdae like one of Cinderella’s evil step-sisters.

"What do you even mean by that?" he shouted after them as the two didn’t even stop to help him. Good-for-nothing children of his.

He thought nobody else saw him and his affair with the garbage can would be forgotten by the end of the day but before he could unleash a preemptive remark when Jonghyun entered their apartment, the older had already beaten him into it with a, "I was almost convinced you were a mysophobe until I saw you rummage the trash can earlier."

Whining and thrashing on the long couch would be unbecoming of him, but he still did it because he could. He could be a decent adult unaffected by most things but he could also be a kid with a temper if he chose to. Besides, Jonghyun had long run out of judgement for him and the thing with Dr. Junmyeon was frustrating him.

"Hyung?" he asked after recovering from his round of whining from the couch. The older answered with a questioning hum from the kitchen. “Dr. Junmyeon had not said anything about me, right?”

"Huh?"

"I mean, he didn’t particularly say he hated me and he wants you to keep me away from him, right?"

“What are you? A high schooler with a crush?” Jonghyun laughed as he returned with a glass of juice in hand. Jongdae glared at him as the older occupied the seat next to him. “Why would he even talk about you when he obviously doesn’t give a damn about you?”

Point taken, but it still hurt to know Dr. Junmyeon didn’t give a damn about him.

#

Aside from Kim Jongdae being an actual genius—twice accelerated in his academic life—he was one hell of a persistent individual. Contrary to popular (hospital) belief in which he was painted as a cool, very matured guy to the point of being too individualistic, he could actually get caught and worked up on something he had put his mind into. The previous cases of his obsessiveness were well-tucked given that they were mostly involving material things—he had memorized different washing machine models from different brands for one, and he had an extensive collection of drama DVDs spanning two decades starting from the early 90’s on another—but this time was different.

And his obsession was apparent to the people around him. Not that he cared because he knew by himself he was already obsessing on Kim Junmyeon—of course, it shouldn’t be misunderstood as him being a stalker or delving into unhealthy levels of sick obsession, let it just be said that Jongdae preferred the term as there was no other word to describe his current emotional state involving the other doctor.



"What are you doing here?" the first-year resident asked upon finding Jongdae occupying the farthest bed in the genitourinary department’s storage room. He might or might not have pulled strings to gain access into the sacred room but oh well, as if it would greatly matter in the long run.

"It seems like this is now the only way for me to get closer to you."

Literally. In an obtrusive, bordering-creepy way of approaching the other. But Jongdae was left with no other choice. Also, he wasn’t planning anything bad. He was just—

"Waiting to ambush someone in the only remaining place in the hospital they could relax in?" Dr. Junmyeon asked.

Well—well said.

"Nap, and we’ll find out whether you’d want to be friends with me later," he said as he tugged on the other’s arm to join him on the bed.

“I won’t give up this bed. If you want to take a nap here, you can use either of the two,” Dr. Junmyeon said as he gestured to the unoccupied bed behind him, toeing off his hospital slip-ons and climbing next to Jongdae. In a matter of seconds, the guy was already asleep with his back turned on him.

And though he was previously warned of the usage of the third cot, Jongdae returned the next day on it, accidentally falling asleep only to wake up an hour later with the other doctor snoozing beside him. He wasn’t pushed off the bed nor the other showed signs of giving the bed up, so he continued to occupy it the following day, and the day after that, and in another day, until it went on for a full month with them sharing a bed together in the most wholesome way—with Jongdae being contented with the fact that the other had not once put up a fight, promising to keep quiet and keep his comments to himself, while Dr. Junmyeon remained passive as ever, not once complaining about Jongdae being annoying or something worse than that.



Two weeks into another month of being sleep-buddies, Jongdae had somehow noticed that every turn of the season, the other would get to spend his breaks nursing a slight fever. The sudden change in temperature and fatigue mixing in caused lethargy to the resident in training. He then took it to himself to keep a stock of over-the-counter medicines plus hot packs and cold patches in a small box he set aside under their favorite bed.

"You’re not feeling well." Duh. He had to judge himself for stating the obvious but then, Jongdae didn’t really know what to say given that he could count the number of times they had small talk and they mostly spent the time together just sleeping.

"Not really," Dr. Junmyeon muttered.

"We aren’t allowed to get sick."

"The reason why I’m resting. I’ve already drunk meds before coming here so please don’t nag. And I don’t want you getting sick as well so please sleep on the next cot. Or somewhere else."

"I won’t," Jongdae said, an answer to the two requests. If it were a normal day, he could have earned a hard shove from the other but his remark was only met with a gaze, supposedly piercing but Dr. Junmyeon’s eyes were teary due to the fever, leaving Jongdae holding his breath as he watched, the other’s eyes fluttering to a close and breaths slowing down at regular intervals.

Once sure the other was asleep, he carefully grabbed for his medicine box, pulling out and sticking a fever patch on the other doctor’s forehead before taking nap.



March breaks were a blessing to Jongdae who would occasionally get to enjoy some small talk with Dr. Junmyeon from time to time. It wasn’t that the relationship [Jongdae meant that in a general sense] had not blossomed at all, it was just that he thought the pace of how it was progressing so far was well-suited for them. Sometimes they get to wake up tangled up in each other but it was something which held no other meaning aside from, well, attributing it to a very comfortable rest.

"I heard about the surgery,” Jongdae said one day. It wasn’t that he just heard, he actually watched the surgery being performed by Dr. Junmyeon and technique-wise, the first-year resident had improved once again. “Good job," he said, trying his hardest to not overdo the praises.

"Thank you," Dr. Junmyeon murmured, his back facing Jongdae as usual. "Do your best in your coming surgery with Dr. Zhang."

Jongdae had to hide a grin because he wasn’t expecting that the other would be interested enough with his own schedule. And the surgery was a simple one, in fact, some kind of a refresher for him and Dr. Zhang who were both working on specialized surgeries for months.

"Do I get a reward if it’s a success?" he asked, a little bit hopeful with the other’s answer.

"You get to save another life. And you get to do it with your best friend," Dr. Junmyeon said, earning an amused chuckle from Jongdae.



Jongdae shouldn’t brag, he really shouldn’t when the procedure was a simple appendectomy. But a success was still a success and though Dr. Junmyeon didn’t promise him anything, Jongdae was soon dragging the other home right after both of their shifts ended, earning some hoots and cheers from the other staff.

"What are you doing?" the other resident asked as he was soon brought to Jongdae’s room.

"Getting my reward?" Jongdae intoned as he took off his scrubs and tossed them to the laundry basket.

"Dr. Kim Jongdae I did not agree to anything and I won’t do anything with you!" Dr. Junmyeon shouted, his voice almost hysterical.

"Relax. I just wanted to know how napping with you outside the hospital feels like,” he said as he opened his closet to get two pairs of pyjamas—one for him and the other for his guest. Jongdae then handed the pair to Dr. Junmyeon, gesturing for the older to change as well.

When the other’s scrubs had joined his in the basket, Dr. Junmyeon remained standing in the corner. The guy was some form of an awkward but nice kind of interior decoration.

"Look, have I done anything you don’t like before? I haven’t, right?" Jongdae asked as he climbed into his bed. “My bed’s super nice, I’m super nice. So what are you waiting for?" He patted his comforter with both hands for emphasis. When Dr. Junmyeon refused to budge, he resorted to pulling the older to his bed and tucking him to sleep.

The morning after a good night’s rest was the best of all—or it was at that point where Jongdae was donning a rose-colored filter to everything involving Dr. Junmyeon. And it would be the first time he got to see the other’s sleeping face clearly, made extra special with some natural warm filter from the window that had Dr. Junmyeon glowing in Jongdae’s rather biased vision.

Sunyoung was the first person he found beautiful. Junmyeon would be the first person he found ethereal. The two were different, and he could not ever compare them to each other, but he knew they were both very special to him.

"Maybe we should do this more often," he greeted when the other finally woke up, foregoing the usual ‘good morning.’

There was no better answer than a shy smile which slowly worked on the newly awoken guy’s lips and nod in agreement.

#

~One Year Later~

The ring he got as an anniversary gift from Sunyoung, the one he had been regularly wearing for years, flew off the hospital rooftop. He and Junmyeon were having a talk over lunch about the vacuum cleaner they were planning to purchase for the weekend (because the one he had met its demise when Junmyeon attempted to clean his apartment) when all of a sudden, he threw the ring he was playing with on his finger.

It glinted and fell somewhere far, the other doctor running towards the barricade trying to look for where it possibly landed. It would be impossible to find now, considering the vast sea of green below, when they had a good view of the hospital garden from their current location.

"Why did you do that?" Junmyeon screeched. “Your ring! That was from Sunyoung, right?”

“Because Sunyoung had always wanted that,” he said, remembering his promise. “And I have you now.”

The last line sure shut the other up. But Jongdae wasn’t done with his agenda in the sudden rooftop meeting, yet.

“Junmyeon, let’s make it official. Please go out with me.”

#

~Two Years Later~

Rest days during summer were spent together in the apartment with the spare electric fan turned on to the highest, with all the windows to the apartment opened, including the sliding door leading to the veranda. They were seated in their loveseat, legs tangled as they each had a bowl of ice cream to finish. The Beach Boys’ Wouldn’t It Be Nice started playing on the stereo which added to the nostalgic feeling of the afternoon.

And wouldn't it be nice to live together… In the kind of world where we belong…

“Ow!” Junmyeon grimaced as he held his cheek.

“What’s the matter?” Jongdae asked, watching as his boyfriend spat something solid out of his mouth. “What’s that?” he continued asking, craning his neck to see the thing on the other’s cupped palm.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up… In the morning when the day is new?

“A ring… In my ice cream…?” Junmyeon gaped, looking at him for answers. “Jongdae―”

“Are you hurt?” He reached out to cup Junmyeon’s cheeks and check his mouth for cuts. But he couldn’t do it properly when it was a mess of green-white inside his boyfriend’s mouth.

“Come here,” Jongdae said as he pulled Junmyeon to the kitchen sink, leaving the bowls behind on the coffee table. When he had the other wash his mouth and made sure there were not cuts, he brought his boyfriend’s sticky hands to the tap to clean them as well.

“What is this even?” he mumbled as he held the ring up after having washed and toweled it dry with Junmyeon’s hands. “It looks good, though. How about you try it?” he asked the other, which Junmyeon only returned with a confused gaze.

“Jongdae―”

“Would you look at that! It fits!” he exclaimed with the ring snugly settled on the other’s ring finger. “Remember those small surprises in candies when we were kids? Maybe it’s something like this,” Jongdae said as his attention didn’t leave his boyfriend’s hand.

“Jongdae?”

“Hm?”

“Does this ring come with a question?” Junmyeon carefully asked, his eyes were already teary by the time Jongdae looked up to to face him.

“Shall we pawn it?” he supplied.

The other only whimpered in protest as Jongdae smiled wider in amusement. “Nooo… Something like―”

“Like?”

“I don’t know, ’Will you marry me?’” Junmyeon answered.

“Yes?” Jongdae grinned, the tip of his tongue peeking between his teeth to tease. He wasn’t expecting Junmyeon would easily fall for his antics but it was a pleasure to witness how his boyfriend’s eyes rounded after realizing their exchange.

“Jongdae wait―What―”

“Ask it again, ask it again!” he coaxed the other with some stomping of feet involved. At least he wanted to answer with conviction.

“Which one?” Junmyeon asked with his brows furrowed in confusion.


“Will you marry me!” Jongdae could only gasp when Junmyeon started chuckling his adorable ugly, airy, chuckle and his sickeningly sweet victory beam was painted on his face. Because Jongdae was played in his own game.

A simple “yes” was the only word Junmyeon could summon when he was on the verge of tears, laughing and Jongdae didn’t wait for long to catch the older’s lips with his own for a job well done. Their job well done.

We could be married... And then we'd be happy

(Goodnight oh baby sleep tight oh baby goodnight)

# # # # # # # # # #

---

Thank you to the awesome #TEAMFUNKY 2.0 for hosting another round and being so understanding to the moon and back though I suck at meeting the deadline. To A who helped me out in reading, checking and suggesting some parts, thank you so much! I’d also take this chance to have an additional thank you to the mods for accommodating my request for updating the fic [if you get to read this now, it means you were spared from my ridiculous mistakes in an earlier version a lot of earlier readers were subjected to].

Prompter, I hope you’ve somehow liked this and thank you for the awesome prompt, as well.

There might be a lot of inconsistencies when it came to medical terms and the whole system since I only made do with what I could research in time to be able to write this. I really apologize for all the mistakes missed.

And yes, there’s an extra for ver. 2.0. ;-) Thank you so much reading~

---

#

“My name is Kim Junmyeon. I'm a doctor. When I was a kid, I used to play Pokemon a lot. Do you know Bulbasaur? He's my favorite,” Junmyeon said with enthusiasm as he fixed the tie on his neck in front of the mirror.

Arms wrapped around him and as Jongdae’s grin became visible from the casted reflection.

“What are you doing?” his husband asked as Junmyeon turned to him, leaving the the necktie tying to Jongdae.

“Practicing, obviously.”

“For a moment I thought you were planning to attend some anime and gaming convention in those―” Jongdae trailed off. Sure, one of Junmyeon’s choices in clothing was a set of smart casual clothes but he decided against it. Maybe it was a good decision since his husband couldn’t even start describing them.“So why are you practicing your self introduction again?”

“For Mark,” he answered as he reached for the comb on their bedside dresser and combed the other’s hair.

“Hey, we haven't forgotten Mark being a seven-month old baby, right?” reminded Jongdae, attention not leaving on his current task on Junmyeon’s collar. “A seven-month old baby won't appreciate such a stiff introduction meant for old, balding men in drab suits. And I'd be scared shit if he answers your question that early.”

“Who knows? Maybe he's as smart as you. He's our baby in the first place.”

“Nah, no one can beat me on that.”

“Well of course. Our Jongdae is a genius,” praised Junmyeon. Of course, his husband being a genius would always be something to be proud of.

“No not that,” said Jongdae absently as he softly patted the knot of the tie in place.

“Then what?”

“Being your baby,” Jongdae murmured, his expression serious until his tongue was peeking between his teeth and the curl of his lips was just teasing Junmyeon to kiss it off. He couldn’t stop himself from chuckling and the other flashed a victorious smirk before talking again. “I see that you're relaxed now.

“On second thought, leave the necktie,” instructed Jongdae as he undid it and pulled it from Junmyeon’s neck. “Shall we get going, daddy?”

“Stop being silly, Jongdae.”

“What, have I unlocked your daddy kink?” His beloved husband smirked at him. “I'm just getting us used to the new names. We've agreed you'd be the ‘daddy’ while I'd be the ‘papa’ right? For Mark's sake, daddy.”

Junmyeon just had to groan as he followed Jongdae out of their room to head outside. They shouldn’t keep the new addition to their small family waiting any longer.

Please return to our LiveJournal to leave the author a lovely comment! ♡

Comments

Love it !!

[(Anonymous)]

This was sooo good idk how I didnt stumble upon this gem earlier but ugh the FEELS